Needing a Firm Hand

This morning I got a spanking for problems with over-eating (and generally not taking care of myself) while I was out of town. It hurt, I cried, we cuddled and talked afterward and I felt better. Later I realized that I still wasn’t ready to let it go. Lash was napping, so I climbed in bed with him again and we talked some more.

I finally realized that it wasn’t enough to be spanked to get rid of the guilt and to say “OK, you can start over now“. Starting over usually meant several days of good intentions and then relapse into bad habits. I’m just not very self-motivated - I never have been. I work best if given boundaries and deadlines but I can procrastinate and rationalize ‘til the cows come home if it’s left up to me. Setting my own goals and boundaries just hasn’t worked.

On certain other issues Lash has been very, very strict about what is NOT allowed and knowing that his stand was firm really helped me when I was tempted to stray. I needed to know that the issue of my self-neglect/abuse was important to him in the same way that other issues were. I needed to hear him say that my behavior was not acceptable - that he would not tolerate it and that he would be not only disappointed, but angry, if it continued. I suppose my punishment might be more severe, but the main issue for me was his putting his foot down, taking a stand and sticking to it. The stronger his demand for obedience, the more I respect him and want to obey. I know it will help me with all those pesky personal health issues like diet, medication, exercise, meditation, weighing, etc.

Lash calls it ”starting a new chapter“ and I suppose we are. It’s a little like we’re writing our own DD manual as we go along. This chapter will go along for a while and then we’ll revise it or maybe delete it or maybe go on to a new chapter, leaving it ”as is“. I like making it up as we go along. It’s more personalized, more ”us“. And ”us“ is what it’s all about!