Tuesday, June 30
Sunday, June 28
Friday, June 26
Wednesday, June 24
Tuesday, June 23
Thursday, June 18
I’ve been thinking about my last post and want to elaborate on it. We’ve all probably heard of the three behaviors we should avoid: Disrespect, Dishonesty and Disobedience (the 3 Ds). I want to focus on the things we should be giving: Respect, Honesty and Obedience (or Rho like the Greek letter ρ).
First, Respect! In the past I was sometimes (or often) critical or judgmental about things that Lash did or said. I belittled him by my words, actions or attitude. Now I choose the option of silence, non-interference or expressing approval - whatever the situation calls for. If he tries to help, but doesn’t do it the way I would do it, any of the above options are better than criticism. If he asks me a stupid question, I can answer respectfully rather than with sarcasm. These are big steps for me. But I want to go a step farther. I want to show my respect actively. I want him to know that I always think of him with respect and don’t just give it grudgingly when he demands it. How can I do this? I can offer praise and gratitude for the things he does - going to work every day, living on his own, taking care of me, being a good father, looking after my car, etc. I can let him know that I appreciate how hard it is to make the transition from husband to Husband in a DD relationship. (We use Husband rather than HOH.) When he spanks me - after I get done crying and “ouching” and pouting - I can thank him and let him know that even though it hurt, I love feeling his strength and masculine energy. I can kneel in front of his chair for a hug, I can go to meet him when I hear him coming home, I can compliment him for his efforts, successful or not. I can keep Respect for him in my heart every day.
Next, Honesty! It’s more than just not telling lies. I need to keep in mind the things he wants to know about my thoughts, my feelings and my life. I need to remember that he is not a mind reader. I need to confess the things I’ve done wrong and the things I’ve done right, letting him share my triumphs as well as my failures. I need to be open about my sorrow and my joy. I need to let him know when my needs aren’t being met and when he does just the right thing. I need to open my mind and heart to him, trusting that he won’t stumble around, but will tread carefully. I need to let Honesty be a beacon to light the way for him to know me better.
Finally, Obedience! Early in our DD life, I realized that I had been disobedient every day of our marriage. He gave no orders, but I knew what he wanted in his heart - the kind of wife he wished for and deserved. Every time I acted in a way that opposed those wishes, I was disobeying. Now I want to grant the wish in his heart and be the wife he deserves by obeying his rules, his orders, his suggestions. I also want to anticipate his needs, think ahead to try to please him and watch out for the little ways I can serve him.
None of this is in any way demeaning or one-sided for me. In return, I get his Respect, Honesty and a sense of Order that comes from his dominance. So we both rho, rho, rho our boat together. I’m not sure where the shore is, but we are enjoying the water.
Wednesday, June 17
1. Do you feel valued, respected, loved and cherished?
2. Is your life enhanced?
3. Are you becoming more self confident over time?
4. Is your self-respect increasing?
5. Are you growing as a person and a partner?
6, Can you say NO and be heard if you need to?
"If the answer to all those things is not YES, then the relationship at best is flawed and at worst is abusive."
Sara was writing about the abuse of the woman in the relationship, but what I realized - what hit me right between the eyes - was that for many years it was not one of my goals to help Lash answer YES to those questions. Did I show him that I valued, respected and cherished him? Did my behavior enhance his life? Did I help him become more self-confident and build his self-respect? Was I dedicated to his growth as a person and as my husband? Could he say NO to me and be heard? Hmmmm, I don't think so.
I don't like to look at some of my actions and attitudes in the 37 years of our marriage. The early years are a blur - work, moving, kids, family, etc. Did I ever think of these questions? Maybe vaguely or intermittently. The middle years were when it was easier to look at those "inner" issues, to discuss feelings and "growth", but I focused mostly on my own growth, my own feelings. The last few years have been dedicated to establishing ourselves in a new town, with new friends, frequent job changes, grown children, aging parents. He had his set of problems and I had mine and we didn't want to rock the boat by looking too deeply at the stagnant state of our marriage.
So, were we abusive to each other? Sometimes - emotionally. Was our marriage flawed? Often - as often as most marriages are flawed by the onslaught of everyday dramas and traumas. Does DD give us a framework to heal the effects of abuse and lessen the frequency of those flaws? Thank God, Yes!!
I've seen people write that DD saved their marriage. I can't say that, but I can say that it has made stale vows fresh after 37 years and stagnant emotions vibrant again. It's like spice on a bland meal, rain after a long dry spell and forgiveness after an argument. For us it is a Blessing!
Tuesday, June 16
I'm going to focus on one "T" word today because it's been on my mind lately. I had it in my original ABC list as Alpine TUNDRA. There are 2 kinds of TUNDRA - Arctic and Alpine and since I live in the mountains I get to see the Alpine TUNDRA. It's found at elevations over 10,000 feet and there are only 200 plants that survive there. It is treeless and appears barren, but very soon there will be wildflowers carpeting the ground. I love to hike above treeline in July because it is as beautiful as a well-kept garden. The colors are breathtaking and it is all miniature - only about 4-6 inches high. Look in the sidebar to see some of the alpine wildflowers. I hope some of you have had a chance to see this marvel of the Alpine TUNDRA!!
Sunday, June 14
I've been re-reading some of the Stephanie Plum mystery series by Janet Evanovich and thinking about her two romantic heroes, Joe Morelli and Ranger. They are two very hot, very dominant guys and I can see either one giving Stephanie a good spanking!
I also love the Amelia Peabody mysteries by Elizabeth Peters. Amelia is very opinionated and bossy, but will often give in to Emerson (her husband). She usually draws a veil over their private moments, while indicating that they are very much mutually satisfying. I like to think that there could be a private DD element to their marriage.
Here's my question: Do you have favorite fictional characters that hint at a DD relationship or could benefit from a little D/s in their lives? Who would make a good dominant or HoH? Books, movies, TV? Anything goes!
Tuesday, June 9
Sunday, June 7
For an extreme introvert (me), it was a challenge. For an incurable caretaker (also me), it was a chance to help people, solve their problems, see them smile when I had their meal tickets, get a hug when I found their registration folders, find out we went to the same college, coo at the babies, meet new friends and get to know old ones better. It was a great experience and I'm exhausted!
Lash was incredibly supportive. He had a take-out salad ready when I came home Saturday night and took me out for something to eat when I was finished today. Last night he held me in his arms until I could relax and sleep and today he held me while I cried out my tension and exhaustion and then became the strict husband I needed to spank me hard for messing up my diet. Although...... how could I resist a Snickers when I had to walk past them several times a day and I was sooooooo in need of energy?!? (OK, it didn't work with Lash either.)
A week ago I asked Lash to help me stay on track with my health decisions and I've felt him with me every step of the way this week -- until the Snickers...... and one bag of chips. The fact that he didn't let me off just because it was an unusual circumstance made me feel that he really means it. He loves me enough to put my health first and hold me to my promises. It's worth having a sore bottom (on top of sore feet, a sore back and a headache) to know that I'm not in this alone.
Friday, June 5
Thursday, June 4
Mrs M asked about privacy issues in one of her comments. Since we're empty nesters, the issue of children doesn't come up, and our house is quite private. But........ when we're in the condo where Lash lives part-time we worry about the neighbors. Lash thinks one of them is a rookie cop (or in training?) so we really don't want him to think there's abuse going on.
We usually turn on all the loud appliances and fans before we start and retire to the bedroom which is over our garage stall. At one time, we searched for quiet implements, but Lash prefers the original pervertible - his own hand. We tried a loopy johnny and a silicone spoon which were both pretty quiet, but not as satisfying for us as flesh on flesh. The problem from my point of view is feeling a little inhibited about making noise. I'm not usually very loud, but I like to feel free to sob loudly if I need to and that hasn't happened in the condo.
We all have certain situations where privacy is impaired: visiting relatives, children in the house, hotel rooms or nosy neighbors combined with thin walls. Any suggestions from the more experienced? Implements? Techniques? Alternatives to spanking?
Tuesday, June 2
Redwoods: I love their size, their history, their scent!
Robin Hood: So dashing and daring!
Rationalization: I use it all the time!
Restaurants: I hate to cook!
Roofs: It's great to have one over our heads!
Riches: Not gold or silver, but the people we love!
Monday, June 1
In searching for a book recommended on someone's profile, I ran across a book of fiction about DD. There were 3 short reviews that touched on the type of story and writing style and 1 long review that used the following phrases: diseased author, sickness, abusive physical correction (spanking), beating (again, spanking with the hand), freakishly disgusting portrait of a marriage. In the comment section, she used the words "bizarre" and "underside of society". On her profile page she describes herself as "open minded" and, btw, is in her early 20s.
She is, of course, entitled to her opinion, but it reinforced in my mind the reasons that Lash is so concerned about privacy and anonymity. There are probably many people in his line of work who would feel exactly as this reviewer does and could force him out of his job and his profession.
Since I've been reading blogs and writing this one, I've run across some of the nicest, open-minded, NORMAL people in the world. Whether we're into DD, D/s, BDSM, M/s or any other label doesn't matter. We can still be good neighbors, good lawyers, good plumbers, good teachers, etc. I've almost forgotten that there are people out there who view us as "freakishly disgusting".
Thanks to everyone in this little community who welcomed us with open minds and open arms. I'll remember this as another Life's Lesson: Be very, very careful what you share with people. Bye-bye from the Underside of Society!