You either "get it" or you don't when it comes to kink. I can appreciate, admire or envy what others do or I can sit here, reading blogs, and be perplexed, confused and turned off. I don't say disgusted or repelled, because #1) I believe that adult consensual play is very different from abuse or exploitation, which would disgust me, and #2) there are places I just don't go, things I have no interest in reading. Non-consent and non-adult fall into a very different category, of course, and I'm not addressing that. Role-playing is one area that seems to be fun or exciting for a lot of people. I just don't "get" it. There is no little thrill inside when I think of dressing up or acting. I have no desire to pretend to be someone I'm not in order to get a spanking. I'm kind of "color blind" in this area. It just seems gray and unappealing to me. That may be why age-play in all it's forms - child/parent, student/teacher, etc. - is mystifying to me. A lot of role-playing seems to be a re-playing of times in our lives when we had no power or control over events. I really don't want to go there. I hated being subject to the whims of adults when I was a child and I hated being seen as "less than" by authority figures because I was an adult female. Probably it's because I hated being powerless in the past that I need to work out the dynamics of powerlessness now. Now, many vanilla outsider would see me being spanked by my husband as role-playing or age-play (or disgusting). Some people involved with ttwd might see it that way. Heck, I have sometimes had trouble defining it to my own satisfaction. Maybe that's what I'm trying to do here. To me, spanking is an adult activity that allows me to voluntarily give up control and power to another person, not because it is easy or fun for me but because it is the hardest thing I do. It can't be temporary, as in a "scene". It can't be on and off whenever I feel like it. It has to be real and mutually beneficial and done with the one person I trust to use that power wisely. It touches something deep inside that I thought I would never explore. It is emotional and also spiritual, in that I believe that I grow spiritually when I visit those dark, frightening, secret places and open them to the light. It has nothing to do with past abuse - there was none. It has everything to do with my own way of dealing with the world. I have been passive, avoiding conflict, holding my thoughts and feelings to myself, staying away from power exchange situations, nursing my fears inside and above all, not trusting anyone - even Lash - to see those fears. Entering into a DD relationship of my own free will meant changing basic life-long habits and traits. Spanking is one of the means to this end, but the major factor is my willing submission and obedience, placing enough trust in another person to give him these gifts and risk their rejection. I read the blogs of many women who concentrate on the dominance of their partner as the Holy Grail of DD. And that is a personal situation that I can't judge. For me it is my voluntary submission that is the biggest hurdle I face. Even when Lash is working in a distant state, I can work on my submission because that battle is inside me, always with me. I love feeling his dominance but he doesn't force me into submission, I have to reach deep and find it within. This is a long way from my comparison with role-playing. I think it would be fun... sometime. I think, if I didn't have Lash to work on this with me, I might consider it as a way of getting inside to deal with these issues - but it seems like a heavy weight to put on some random top! Anyway, to those who do it - Have Fun! Thanks to all those who read this far in a long and rambling post. Hugs to all!
Last week I posted about a problem with our maintenance/reminder/stress relief spankings. After being out of town and then not feeling well, we finally got a chance - yesterday and today - to try out some new techniques. Lash used only his hand both days and interspersed spanking with rubbing and talking. I was able to be much more relaxed and, as I relaxed today, the tears came. This was a wonderful feeling and helped relieve the stress and anxiety that always seem to lurk beneath the surface. The spankings still hurt but it was something that I could absorb and recognize as an act of love. I could be present and engaged instead of withdrawn and tense as I had been before. That made all the difference. I think we're on the right path and will continue to explore. PS: CD at Cultivated Discipline and Chloe at She Obeys have joined in the conversation about where we all fit into this blogging world. I'm enjoying everyone's point of view!
Thanks to all who commented on my last two posts, here and here. Most people responded with the advice that it's My Blog and I can write what I want and don't worry about who reads it and what they think. I agree about writing what I want and need to say. One reason that I entered the blogging world was to have an outlet for all those feelings that I can't express to folks here in Realityville. I love the sense of community online and the support for each other concerning TTWD. Maryann took this idea a step further on her blog. Lately, after reading a lot of very diverse points of view, I started feeling exactly the way I sometimes feel offline: like there's no one out there like me, that I'm hopelessly out of touch, that stating how I feel is somehow wrong. I get these periods of self-doubt and it's good to have a place to express them. They always pass, but it's good to know I'm not alone in these feelings. Thanks to Janet, Sarah, Measha, Hermione, Katia, Daisy, Maryann, Ally, Chloe, pb, Ronnie, PK, lil miss trouble, Florida Dom, Sara and Mick. You all made my day brighter by your comments! I also want to say that the list of "things I don't do" in my rant wasn't a list of things I disapprove of or don't like. Some of them are things I just don't have the talent, time or inclination to do like writing erotic fiction, going to parties or using harsher implements. Others just aren't a turn-on for me or just don't fit the style of this blog. I really do enjoy reading all the blogs out there - many more than I can list in my blogroll. One last thing about Florida Dom's post about genital shaving - I made a second comment to this post which I'll quote here because it's been on my mind: "FD, This a touchy subject for me - the blurring of the lines between women and children. I know most people don't see genital shaving in that light and I'm happy for them. The flip side of the problem is children who dress and behave as adults. I really hate to see a 10 year old girl dressed in a skimpy top and skin tight jeans. I guess I'm lucky that my daughters weren't into that, but some of their friends were and it was very sad. One more note: Do any guys out there shave "down there"? I've had my share of pubic hair in the mouth and I guess I can live with it as long as it goes both ways. Maybe another topic for you, FD?"
I've decided to leave my last post online but post again to say I'm feeling better and will stop whining! Thanks to those who commented and encouraged me to keep blogging or take a break if I needed one.
I think I'm coming down with a cold - I hope that's all, I haven't had my flu shot yet. When I started catching up on blogs this morning, everything I read just made me feel so old and hopelessly behind the times. That always gets me into a funk and makes everything look bleak. Lash was out of the house - at the doctor's office for a long-lasting cough - and I got into self-pity and some self-disgust kind of thinking. So.... whine, rant, pout and you know the rest!
Part of the self-disgust came from overeating while we were on our mini-vacation and gaining back some of the weight I'd taken all summer and fall to lose. Today it's high fiber, low carb protein shakes all day and a regular meal tonight. Being hungry makes me whine and pout, too!
Lash came home and gave me lots of hugs and I got cyber hugs from some online friends and a new "delurker", Janet! I was reminded that I don't have to be or do anything to be part of this community and I don't have to feel "less than" because I'm different. I spent too much of my life doing that!
As Daisy said in her comment, some people have the ability to write posts that sizzle and I certainly enjoy reading them, but ours just perks along without much razzle-dazzle. I'm happy with my life the way it is - a couple of old fogies with an added twist! I just needed the reminder of how lucky I am! Thanks!!
I may just be in a bad mood and I may delete this right after I post it, but I'm feeling like I have nothing to say that could possibly be of interest to people out there. We don't play publicly at parties or privately with other people. We don't use harsh implements. We don't post about our intimate sex life. I don't feel the desire to shave myself to look like a 10 year old. (After reading comments on Florida Dom's most recent post, I must be the only one!) I don't post pictures of naked women (or men). I don't have multiple doms or multitple sex partners. I don't publish erotic fiction. I obviously don't have a problem if other people do all of the above since I read your blogs, but how many times can I post about our everyday, boring life and spankings? This is a very diverse group of people and I enjoy reading your blogs, but how interesting is it to read about us? I see a few blogs out there with couples in a similar situation to ours, but not many. We're not flashy, we're not daring, we're not young and we're certainly not keeping up with everything new and exciting. I may be back to post tomorrow or I may need to take a break for a while. I'm just feeling alienated at the moment!
On Thursday Lash and I left home for a weekend mini-vacation and drove 3 hours to the city where our pregnant daughter lives. Friday morning the three of us drove across the state so that she could visit her husband at his job site. The weather was beautiful - not a cloud in the sky, temps in the low 70s and fantastic fall color. We left her with her hubby and drove on to another town for the weekend. Today we visited a National Park and had a great time. One thing we did was have our first National Park outdoor spanking! It was at an exhibit like this one (in the picture) and we found ourselves all alone. So Lash leaned me over the railing and gave me several moderately hard hand spanks. It stung enough even through my jeans that I could feel it while we sat on a nearby park bench for lunch. We hope it's the first of many! One of our ideas was to spank in every National Park! I wonder how many that is? Then we thought of National Monuments, State Parks, County Parks, City Parks, etc. This could be fun! I packed the LJ again this trip, but we've been exhausted from driving or hiking or sight-seeing every evening. Our diets haven't been going too well while we're traveling, but we can get back on track. We pick up our daughter for the trip home tomorrow and then get back to our house on Monday. I want to thank everyone who responded to my last post. Things are great with us. We've talked a lot and will try to implement some new spanking tactics when we get settled back at home. It was never a problem between Lash and me, but a problem that we both wanted to work out. I know we will! So.... if you're at a National Park and you see a couple sneaking off for a spanking, wave and say "Hi!" It's just Meow and Lash spanking around America.
This morning before we left for the weekend we had a spanking session and I reacted in an unusual way. Lash has been upping the ante with our maintenance spankings and they are getting quite painful for me. When we started doing this a few months ago, I asked Lash to push my limits and this is what he's been doing.
Now here's the thing.... I'm a pretty stoic person and can tolerate a lot of pain when I'm injured or sick. But I'm finding that what works in everyday life to keep me going, doesn't work during a spanking. When the pain gets to be too much, I tense my muscles and shut down my emotions. It takes me longer and longer to relax and let go after a spanking when the spanking is more painful. This morning it took a very long time and when Lash talked about pushing my limits even more, I started crying. I was scared and confused.
So.... we talked.
We talked about our expectations and why we do spanking at all. One of the reasons we both agreed on was to help me get in touch with my emotions and be able to cry. I feel very cleansed after I cry and I love being held by Lash when I cry - and he loves to comfort me. Crying helps me put emotions into words so that I can share them with Lash. Crying helps heal old hurts and keeps new fears and angry reactions from eating away at me. Crying releases all the stress-filled energy I store in my body. I feel like I really need this in my life but I don't let myself do it.
Lash has been hoping that harder spankings would get me over that edge, help me find the trigger that would allow me to cry. It hasn't been working. Now I don't know what intensity of pain others can tolerate. I just know that I don't enjoy it for it's own sake. I guess I'm not really a masochist or a pain slut or whatever. If spanking at this intensity would help me to cry, to release emotions, I would not complain - I'd welcome it. But for now it doesn't seem to be what I need.
So, we'll keep talking. We'll try less intense but longer spankings. We'll try more talking before, during and after. We'll try a lot of things and see what works. We'll keep loving each other and we'll keep spanking in our marriage because we love what it has done for us. I trust that eventually we will find another level of depth - a new way of knowing what we both need and new ways of satisfying those needs. We can be patient and we can be creative and we can admit when something doesn't work. Most of all we talk, talk, talk until we understand each other and that's what keeps us from giving up!
I started lurking on the old A.S.S. and S.S.S. newsgroups back in the 90's and didn't progress to commenting on blogs until 2009. It's never too late! Read my Lurk No More notice in the right hand column and give it a try! I've met the nicest people on these blogs and had a lot of fun and gotten a lot of feedback. Stop by one of your favorite blogs today and just say "Hi!"!
As Lash posted on his blog, we're having some unseasonable winter weather and planned, in part, to spend the weekend in front of the fire with good books and each other. The other part of the plan was for some spanking, etc. and both happened this afternoon (the spanking and the etc.). Our usual spankings include cuddling but nothing more than a few caresses. Today we had time and energy for a good hard spanking and a lot of caressing followed by an unusually vocal orgasm on my part. So now I sit here on a smarting bottom, extremely satisfied, purring like mad! What more could any cat want?
Ever since I was very young, maybe 3 years old, I've been fascinated by spanking. By the time I was 13 or so, it was my major sexual fantasy and that continued throughout my life. When Lash and I occasionally used spanking during foreplay, it was pleasurable but I still had an undercurrent of embarrassment that kept me from experiencing it as I fantasized. When we started using spanking as part of DD in January, I began to concentrate so hard on the relationship aspect that suddenly spanking wasn't sexual any longer. It was exactly the opposite of what I had hoped for and expected. I was so serious about each spanking, concentrating so hard on the submission, the obedience, the mindset I was trying to change, that I lost track of the joy. Those first spankings weren't very hard and it took us a long time to adjust to what I needed and what was comfortable for Lash. Gradually the spankings and whippings got harder and more painful and I began to concentrate on enduring the pain and and learning to let my emotions out through crying. This was satisfying and relaxing but still not sexual. We kept using spanking as part of foreplay, but I now had mixed feelings about it. I felt that I had lost something that had been part of my life since.... forever. Reality and Fantasy had met and Reality had won! Real spankings hurt and, although I enjoyed the intimacy, I missed the Thrill. Lately, though, when Lash says to meet him in the bedroom for a spanking, that little thrill has been evident again. Before and after and even during the spanking, I feel the excitement that spanking used to have for me. I've become more accepting of the pain, more aware of Lash's role as a spanking husband and dominant man. The idea of a man who actually enjoyed spanking me was always a very big turn-on and I'm letting myself be more aware of Lash's feelings of confidence, masculinity and pleasure when he spanks me. I enjoy HIS enjoyment and that makes me want him all the more. My question is this: Has anyone else gone through this? Do you have any trouble changing gears from spanking as punishment to spanking as foreplay? Have your feelings about spanking changed over time? I'd like to know I'm not alone in this and my curiosity is piqued.
for asking me to list 10 honest things about myself.
They may not be Interesting, but they're Honest!
1. I’m an extreme introvert. That doesn’t mean I’m shy. I have no problem interacting with people and actually love to speak before groups, but I need a lot of “alone” time to regenerate energy before I can be out with people again.
2. If I could have one talent, I’d love to be able to sing really well. I come from a family of singers on my Dad’s side and I can sing OK, but I’d love to be able to REALLY SING!
3. If I could have one superpower, I’d be able to become invisible at will. How handy for an introvert to be able to go out in public but just observe and not interact.
4. I love to do research in old libraries or archives full of dusty old books and papers. I love history and especially genealogy.
5. I don’t mind cooking but hate planning to cook and picking food for other people. I don’t like to deal with raw meat, especially if it has bones in it or looks like it came from an animal. Lash cooks the Thanksgiving turkey at our house!
6. I’m practically blind without my glasses and can’t wear contacts, so I have spare glasses in the car and in my travel bag, etc.
7. Maybe TMI, but I’ve only been married to one man, slept with one man and been spanked by one man - all the same man - Lash. I’m not bragging or complaining but I’m satisfied to have missed what I missed and gotten what I have!
8. I was always tall and skinny when I was young. Now I’m tall and not skinny but trying to get back to a healthy weight. It was a pain to be taller than all the boys in school, but now I like being able to reach the high cupboard shelves.
9. I’ve lived in 4 states and on a Native American Reservation. I grew up in a town of only 500 people and had 42 people in my High School class. I went to a State University and got much better grades after I started dating Lash - we did a lot of study dates with “perks” after the studying!
10. I like to read fiction, mostly mysteries, and watch B&W movies from the 40s and 50s. I like quirky dark humor - I loved “Fargo” - and like to watch old 50s Sci Fi movies like “The Thing” and “Them!”
11. Usually I stick to the rules and follow all laws but once in a while I get sassy with Lash or rebellious or stubborn or make a list of 11 items when I’m asked to list 10!
This summer has been frustrating! I've been on a plateau with my weight loss for about 2 months, but finally had a major breakthrough to a new level on Friday. Lash offered a "Good Girl" spanking, which I had hoped to get at the end of July. Better late than never, I suppose! In July, I had been fantasizing about a long spanking with multiple implements, trying out some new pervertibles and bringing out some we'd tried before. I was thinking: easy and gentle! But, when Lash left it up to me, my only request was that he start and end with his hand and I left the middle part up to him. After our cuddle, he started gently and built up to a nice sting with his hand, mixing in some pleasant rubbing and some talking which is rare for him. By the time he stopped to switch to the strap, he was in good form and brought tears to my eyes. He finished with a really hard hand spanking that left me struggling to stay in position. (Btw, his right hand is definitely healed from surgery!) It was exactly what I needed. It was a reaffirmation of his quiet, subtle dominance and a chance for me to revel in my submission to him. I've felt very affectionate ever since - I can't keep my hands off him and want to be close to him all the time. It has made me think about how little our marriage has changed outwardly and how much it has changed the way I feel inside. We don't have many overt signs of his dominance - no collar, no list of rules, no implements left in plain sight, few implements at all. He doesn't give orders or force me to submit or call me names or treat me roughly or make me kneel. We've tried most of those things and will probably experiment occasionally when we feel like it, but the only thing I really need from him is the knowledge that he is now the "owner" of all things related to spanking. An example: A few days ago, he told me to be ready to be spanked that morning. I wasn't really in the mood but I obeyed. An hour later, he changed his mind, no reason, no explanation. And I was really OK with both decisions. I've completely given up expectations and the desire to control spanking at our house! I'm amazed!! I feel a deep satisfaction and contentment with our way of using DD. Spankings happen on an irregular basis depending on our schedules and our health (Lash has had a nasty cold) averaging 2-3 per week. They can happen in the morning, afternoon or evening but they are always a time of intimacy, affection and relaxation for us. When I am lying over Lash's knee with my legs being held securely by his leg, I feel like I have found my home, the place I've been longing for all these years. With my naked ass in the air, vulnerable and available to him, I feel safe and loved in spite of the fact that I will soon be protesting and struggling against the pain he inflicts. This is the time for him to be the man he's always had to hide and for me to be the woman I've never been allowed to show. This is where we can open ourselves to each other in ways that the world doesn't want to see. Who cares about the world - we have each other!!