Drifting Away

     I've been drifting away on some inner sea of emotion for a few days.  I've read blogs but haven't commented, thought about posting but couldn't write.  I turned inward, away from Lash, away from life.  A simple visit to my doctor set me adrift.
     My blood pressure has been a little high for a while and I finally made an appointment to see my internist.  While I was there I asked about stopping my hormones and possibly starting anti-depressants.  A couple of years ago, I had problems when I stopped taking hormone replacements which I blogged about here and problems with depression posted here.  A flood of memories and feelings has overwhelmed me since I started talking about this to Lash and my doctor.  I keep remembering my mother's depression and suicide attempt while I was in college.  Not wanting to feel the bad feelings that were coming up, I pulled away from Lash and the good feelings, too.  
     This morning, I was quiet and withdrawn when we walked.  I really didn't want to be spanked which usually follows when we get home.  Actually, I didn't want to be held in his arms, to talk quietly, to feel vulnerable and open - which precedes the spanking.  Sure enough, the cuddling, the talking, the vulnerability brought on tears - but also relief to be able to share with Lash and ask for help. I needed Lash to be the one who pulled me back and let me know he wouldn't allow me to get lost.  I asked him to be strong for me, to be firm and unmovable when I try to withdraw.  
     I know I can handle my current problems, physical and emotional, with help from Lash and my doctor.  And I know that Lash will hold steady on the course we've chosen in our marriage.  If I start to drift away, he'll be the firmly set anchor that keeps me safe.
     Yes,  I got the spanking I needed, one of the hardest Lash has ever given me.  I cried long and hard but they were tears of relief as the thought kept repeating itself in my mind, "He won't let me drift away!"  An old habit, an old way of reacting simply won't work for me because we have a way to deal with it and Lash will not allow it to happen.  As for me, I'd much rather sit on a humming bottom all day than feel that distance between us for one minute.