Spanking
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Spanking Meow has been an evolving process. When Meow first said she wanted
a serious spanking-to and through tears-my first reaction was negative.
Seeing ...
12 years ago
Sunday, July 17
Random Thoughts on Spanking
I really like this morning's post by His First Mate about mixing spanking and sex. I love the way she describes the intimacy that is created by spanking. I also understand (not necessarily agree with) the advice that she cited about not mixing punishment and sex. I have read comments by women new to DD to the effect that their partners seemed to spank them only when they wanted sex and didn't seem to get the idea of discipline being a separate situation. I think it is good, if you want a DD relationship, to at least understand the difference - and that distinction can be difficult for a man who is new to DD and stimulated by spanking his wife. We all come to practice our own flavor of TTWD eventually, but I think that some guidance (from a variety of sources) can be helpful.
I was also thinking about Sara's post on dominant and domineering. It made me consider the difference between voluntary, active submission and obedience and being made to submit and obey. At one point, I half-jokingly asked Lash whether he would like me to resist a little when he spanked me - if subduing me would bring out his dominance. His response was that he wanted my voluntary obedience, that he loved to see me submit to a spanking without fuss or hesitation, to accept whatever he decided. We don't want any part of a "forced" submission. Just as my love for Lash is a choice I make, even when the "in love" feeling rises and falls - so is the choice I make to be obedient, even when I don't feel like it. To be coerced by words or physical actions into submitting would break the trust between us and destroy all that we have built.
L (@ Trying to do this thing we do), a new blogger just this month, wrote in her post today that her backside was "humming slightly" from a recent spanking. I absolutely love that idea! Before, I've thought of it as stinging, burning, itching, aching or other words that imply pain, but my bottom really is happily humming a little satisfied tune as I recall this morning's spanking. Hmmm! Hmmm! Hmmm!
PS: Do you know that Spellcheck recognizes Hmmm as a word but not Hmmmm? Funny old Spellcheck!
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13 comments:
"Humming"...I like that too!
And I do understand the reasons behind separating discipline from sex, mnost especially for newer Dd-ers, but I don't think anoyone of us should be handing out 'rules' on DD. To me, "TTWD" inplies a "We" that is Grant and I, and while we may do some things the same, some are tailored to just us.
I also really like that you are blogging again. I am glad you're back! :) Sara
Thanks, Sara! I missed having people to talk to about this stuff even if the talk is via posts and comments. I like the emphasis on the WE also, but I remember how we struggled at first, impatient to find our way. We found a lot of good ideas on other blogs, but avoided self-appointed gurus. There are some nuts out there!
Thanks Meow! I really did not mean for my post to be controversial at all, and I agree with everyones arguments and statements they have made.
I agree that many spankings (maintenance, stress relief etc)do have sexual undertones.
But I was focusing primarily on punishment spankings and why I felt that it was okay to be turned on after them, and why i thought that would occur in a person like me, who does not get any kind of pleasure from true pain.
I am truly surprised at the comments I have gotten and hope I did not offend anyone!
First Mate, I wan't offended at all, it just reminded me of what some other women had said about the spanking/sex connection and I wanted to say more than would fit in a comment. I thought your post was lovely and thought-provoking. I also get turned on after - not during - a punishment spanking. Meow
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" I also understand (not necessarily agree with) the advice that she cited about not mixing punishment and sex. I have read comments by women new to DD to the effect that their partners seemed to spank them only when they wanted sex and didn't seem to get the idea of discipline being a separate situation. I think it is good, if you want a DD relationship, to at least understand the difference - and that distinction can be difficult for a man who is new to DD and stimulated by spanking his wife. "
This is my favorite part. I understand that advice as well. However- i think that can be dangerous advice to give. after a punishment spanking in the beginning my husband was aroused and very upset about the fact b/c he had read somewhere that the 2 should not mix. I told him that in 90% of the blogs I read it was a common occurrence and if I was okay with it, that was all that mattered. I think the 2 do need to be seperate to a point for the reason you stated but that we should not be made to feel dirty for mixing the 2
I know you were not offended, and i loved your comment and post, but i feel like I may have offended some.not my intention.
Great post. I want a dd relationship, or at least that's what I've always thought I wanted. Nick doesn't seem to want that, so compromises are made.
He has a few thing he will claims he will help me with by holding me to a few rules - but unfortunately not consistently. It's not that I think that there is anything wrong with sex following spankings - even discipline. But I keep trying to explain to him how much some discipline (spanking with no sex involved) would mean to me. How much I need it to feel cared for and protected. Sometimes he starts out letting me think we are doing discipline then only a few minutes in it all turns to sex. So yes, I feel that the only time or reason he spanks are when he wants sex. When that happens I feel that my emotional needs are being ignored and it was all done because he was in the mood for sex. My mind and emotions were in a completely different place and when it happens over and over I end up feeling misunderstood and sad.
First Mate, I think you hit on the key when there is disagreement or confusion about ttwd. Communicate! You talked about it, reassured him and moved on to the way that suits you best.
PK, I understand what you mean. Punishment is an entirely different emotional dynamic from sexy spankings and we need to have both. Can you have punishment spankings in a different place? Or somehow make them less sexy to him?
I wanted to say that I concur with you about getting aroused after a punishment spanking...that happens to me, also;)!
Kitty
Hummming - what a great description - I love it too.
Needless to say Im humming quite loudly today hehehe
So far, and I am not that far into this journey I will admit , but sex does usually follow punishment.
But not last night....
.....Last night I was punished, and before hand, he was getting prepared and i have to sit there and watch him get everything ready, which is a really strange feeling, I bravely told him that I didnt want to have sex afterward, he said oh just straight foward punishment? I nodded, kind of embarrassed, but he was more than OK with that.
The difference this time? Well I simply told him what I needed.
I dont think there is a right or wrong way - whatever works for the couple is the right way.
I do get turned on even in a punishment. Before, while I am waiting and watching him get prepared, not so much during, my mind is on other things at the time, afterwards when we are cuddling and he is making sure I am ok, and then the next day - the little sore reminder is what gets me going.
PK, i hear your pain in your comment "big hugs" i know exactly how you are feeling, i wish there was something i could do to help.
Davey said that he wanted me to willingly submit to spanking, since it was me who introduced him to the whole concept.
But, I am turned on by the feeling of having "no control" (even though I have a safe word, lol) and to willingly submit, (though I do sometimes depending on the situation) kind of takes something from the sexual excitement for me. So we blend the two! Sometimes, (usually for maintenance)I submit willingly, but on other occasions (often fun spankings, occasionally punishment if I am angry!) I resist; he then "forces" me; but underneath, we both know I could stop it with the safe word....!
If I feel I deserve a punishment spanking, I submit, genuinely remorseful; occasionally if I am still angry with him over a disagreement, I resist, and think, "to hell with it..and you!" He then spanks the anger from me, and once calm (and sore!) I can see his point and annoyingly, he is right...so I apologise and we cuddle. After a really serious punishment, we do not usually have sex immediately after; it depends on the situation and both our feelings at the time, and not whether we "should or not"!
Great, inspiring post! xxx
Kitty, Funny how that works!
Kiwigirliegirl, Congrats for speaking out about what you needed. I know what you mean about that soreness the next day making me think about sex - even if we had it right afterward. (grin)
Daisy, I think it could be very sexy to struggle a little and be "overcome" but its not what Lash wants so we don't do it.
Meow
Oooooh thanks Meow, I feel so proud that you've mentioned me in your post today, how exciting! Btw I've been hummimg a happy tune today again :-)
L, I thought your idea of a "humming" bottom was worth spreading around. Everyone seems to like it!
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