Official Meltdown Post

I haven't written on this blog for a while.

For a week or two after Lash started spanking again (after his first surgery) I was having trouble focusing - both focusing on each spanking and focusing on the whole DD thing. Why did I want to do this in the first place? I could barley remember what my feelings were 6 months ago when I first brought up the subject. I couldn’t feel any emotions or cry when I was being spanked. I went through the motions - he spanked and I submitted but something was missing. We were able to talk seriously about it, to joke about it, to try different approaches but……. nothing. I just stopped feeling the desire to please him, to submit, to obey, to get spanked.

Last week I started getting very tense, irritable, distant and withdrawn. Some days were better than others, but a lot of days were horrible! I had a big 3 day fundraiser over the weekend, Lash’s 2nd surgery on Monday, hosted a social gathering for 50 women on Tuesday, had a painter in the house on Wednesday and an appointment to get the car serviced today.

Before I even had breakfast this morning, Lash said he was ready to try a left-handed spanking - with the strap. We cuddled and talked beforehand and I gave the right answers but with no enthusiasm. So he spanked with his hand and with the strap…... and I started crying….. and I couldn’t stop. I literally cried all morning and half the afternoon and am still weepy on and off this evening.

First of all, I don’t blame Lash - at all. He’s been doing his part of DD and I agree that we need to keep doing it even when one of us loses focus. I want him to and I’m glad he does it. I’m not mad at him and love him so much!! This is just the risk we take when we open ourselves to another person on a very deep level. We can uncover some fears and anger and sadness that have been buried for years.

Now the background: I stopped taking my hormones about 5 weeks ago and the shit finally hit the fan this week. I’d been symptom-free for 5 blissful years (except for the problems that led to quitting the hormones and having surgery last month). Now I’ve had the “Return of the Hot Flashes” and - yes - it could be the scariest horror movie of all time! I’ve been seriously wondering if life was worth living if this is what the next 20 or 30 years might be like. Being tense and withdrawn was my way of holding onto my sanity and not saying all the hateful things that were in my head.

I grew up at a time and place where no one talked about this stuff. Some women just quietly had “nervous breakdowns” and went away for a while to get “fixed”. My mom tried to commit suicide 4 years after her hysterectomy. Late 1960’s, small midwestern town, so much shame, so little real help available! All this lived in the back of my head as I suffered through these past few weeks. Today the dam broke!

I’m starting back on the hormones again and will have a serious talk with my gynecologist as soon as I can get an appointment. I could get breast cancer or uterine cancer or I could live with menopause for the next 20 years and still get breast cancer! I say “Fuck it!” Today is the day I’m living right now and I may be dead of something else next week. I refuse to live in fear, I refuse to relive my mother’s sadness, I refuse to take out my anger on my wonderful husband. If I have to cry another day or two or another week until I get it all out, I will. If it takes more spankings to help me get in touch with the feelings, I’m ready. If you’re sick of hearing about menopause, me too!! I’m getting on with my life, starting NOW!!!!!