I read a post on another blog about depression and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. The experience of the blogger was what a lot of people would equate with serious clinical depression and included suicidal thoughts, sadness, tears, inability to function and desperation. One comment talked about the side effects of antidepressants, sometimes taking away the highs as well as the lows and removing some of what makes us…. US.
I commented that my experience of depression was just the opposite of this. I was unable to function a good part of the time (as she was), but I was numb, without much feeling at all, going through the motions of life with no highs or lows, unable to care deeply about anything - and this went on for years! I couldn’t understand how other people had energy, how they got so much done and, above all, how they could care so deeply about everything. I was truly perplexed and annoyed that a friend was so grief-stricken when her parents died.
For me, antidepressants gave me back my life and my relationships and my feelings. It was truly a great blessing to me that I could grieve and cry when my father died. I had been afraid that even death couldn’t make me feel human. I had faked being a wife and mother for such a long time - I had faked being human when I felt like a lump of nothing. I actually thought of myself sometimes as the “living dead”. Suicide would have been redundant - it never entered my mind. The meds finally made me feel something... anything… everything! I began to feel love again, not just duty to my family. I felt loss when my kids left home. I felt joy when they succeeded. I actually missed people when they were gone! I felt compassion for friends in trouble.
After a couple of years I went off the pills and things stayed good for me. I’ve never gone back to the depths of apathy that had claimed me for so long. But as the years go by, I still struggle to find a balance. There are lots of times that I feel that I’m on the edge of that abyss and I have to pull myself back. A second try at antidepressants a couple of years ago didn’t work - I started to have suicidal thoughts which scared the shit out of me! I quit the meds and have been working on myself in other ways. I try to keep healthy, keep my energy balanced, exercise, be with the people I love and with friends. I keep busy in the community and try to do things that are creative in some way.
Now to the point of this post, finally! I think that DD has helped me stay real in this struggle. I have to deal with people and events in my life honestly. I am accountable to Lash for taking care of myself. We talk about everything including my bouts of apathy. And… and spanking leads us into areas of intense sensation, intense emotion and intense intimacy. It takes me to feelings that I didn’t know I had. When I cry afterward it is not about the pain - it’s about that unknown depth of experience that I long for. I crave the ability to let go of my peaceful facade and plunge into what seems like madness - that desire to be out of control in every way! With Lash’s help we are exploring this path, tentatively and cautiously at first because, to me, it is like hiking on the edge of a steep drop-off. At least I feel that I’m on the right path, at last. And I'm not alone.
10 comments:
Meow, this was a very open, honest and interesting post - thank you so much for sharing.
I myself suffered from depression a couple of years ago and can completely understand what DD can bring to ones life or make better, but more than anything (and as in my case) what a good, decent, loving and caring man can do for you.
I am so glad you managed to overcome your depression with Lash's help, and I think it's always important to remember the strength inside every one of us to cope and deal with things that effect us in life - there is always a light at the end of every dark tunnel if you just seek to find it!
A very touching post...
Mrs M
Meow, I'm so glad you wrote this, it's honest and very insightful.
:)
And yes, you are not alone on the edge of the abyss. I think many/most of us struggle there sometimes. :)
{{{big hugs}}}
Thank you for writing this. I don't know why it affects me so when I read something so human and bone-honest but there it is; it just does. :) Bless you.
Mrs M, It's good to know that others have been through depression - in fact, so many others. Since deciding against using medication, I've reached inside to find ways to stay out of depression and Lash has supported everything I've tried. Meow
Amber, I was very moved by the original item I read on "She Obeys" and this post just gushed out of me in response. Suddenly some things clicked inside and I saw connections between my depression and my search for deeper stronger sensations and emotions through DD. Thanks for your response and Bless you, also! Meow
Meow, it's great that the intimacy of your spankings helps you deeal with your depression. And it helps that Lash is being supportive. Good luck in dealing with the depression in the future.
Meow, as both a sufferer of depression and a professional psychotherapist, I known how horrible the pain of depression can be. People do suffer needlessly and medications are so very available and effective today...it's a shame. It is also true that medications sometimes need to be adjusted or changed as our bodies do, so don't rule that out as an option should you ever feel the need in the future. At the same time, I do think the close connection of a DD marriage, not to mention the spike in seratonin from spanking is a helpful antidote for many people. True depression (not reactive) has to do with brain chemistry, as does the 'high' of a spanking. Whatever you use, apparently it is now working, which is wonderful. If more people talked openly about this stuff, it would reduce the stigma and might help so many! Thank you for doing that!
Florida Dom, Lash's support means everything to me.
Sara, I would always consider going back on meds if I needed to. I think of spanking as a way to explore the intensity of feeling I missed out on for so many years. I both crave this intensity and fear it but with Lash, I feel safe trying new things. Thanks for understanding!
Meow
Dear Meow,
What a lovely post. Thank you.
Maryann
Thanks Maryann! I'm glad you stopped by! Meow
Meow,
I am just now catching up but like many others, I too suffered from depression. Being a control freak of sorts, and not able to admit I have no control over something plus fear of meds had me putting off seeing a doctor. I've seen drug addiction all around me, and know people who absolutely can not function without meds, in whatever form, and that was not something I wanted to become.
I am very low on the emotion scale. For a long time, I did not believe that i could "feel". Like you, I was baffled at how so many people had so much energy, got tons of things done, jumped in feet first, and genuinely seemed to care about everything around them! My reactions were abnormal to certain situations. Sure, sometimes I put on the appropriate "face"....but inside was blank, dull...I recall a funeral for the father one one of my son's classmates and going and feeling....nothing.
Well, that's not entirely true. I felt fear....for the possibility of being where these kids' mother was. And because emotional expression is something I just can not force myself to do when intense feelings are involved, I sat stone still in the corner of the room and offered no sympathy, being logical in my mind and pushing that fear I was feeling way, way down like I did every other emotion that made me numb inside.
I digress (and this is long, sorry)....I took ant depressants for about 6 months once and found it did not make much difference for me. Well, actually, it made me not care even more. I never had suicidal thoughts, or anything, but I found myself ambivalent about a lot of life. I ditched the meds. No change, no meds.
Later, tho, I progressed to a mental breakdown and was forced, once more, to seek a doctor. No meds this time, as I expressed my reluctance towards them, just some therapy. I ditched that too after a few months....it seemed senseless to sit in a chair across from someone who did not know me, who truly really didn't care about me, to whom I could not be fully honest about my life (like the spanko side of it)and they asked rote questions, gave cliche answers.
I ended up gradually getting better through the help of many friends, both vanilla and spanko, who knew who I was, all about me, had a vested interest in my well being and several had professional psychological backgrounds.
Now to circle back --- I found that spanking did indeed help in a therapeutic way. We use it as such if it's needed, and over the last few years it has been farther between. But therapeutic spanking, so to speak, helped me come out of the breakdown (along with tons of unwavering support). While I still suffer from bouts of anxiety and periodic depression, for the first time I am actually content with my life fully. :) I've gotten rid of the many things that I believe contributed to how I was (and am still to a degree) and what I believe also affects others. (I won't go into it - maybe I'll do a blog post too!!) :) But i have also realized, through more self awareness, that what i thought was an abnormal expression to intense emotion is actually part of my personality traits. So I feel less abnormal about that, which also created much distress. :)
sorry for the book....great post!
g.
ginger, Thanks for the long comment! It's comforting to know that others have survived similar situations. For many years, I felt seriously flawed because of some of my personality traits, but now I can accept them and myself. What a relief! It's OK to just be me! Meow
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