Domestic Harmony

Lash and I have been talking lately about terms used for ttwd.  Although I don't like to get stuck on labels, I think that words have power and that naming something can shape our actions and color our feelings about it.  

discipline1 train, drill, teach, coach;2 control, restrain, regulate, govern;3 punish, penalize, reprimand, rebuke, chastise;A Domestic Discipline relationship would seem, by definition, to include training, controlling and/or punishing.  There is an implication that one of the partners requires teaching, regulating and chastising and that the other partner should be responsible for carrying this out.  In some ways this polarizes the relationship.I've read several blogs lately that, with humor, celebrate the adversarial nature of a disciplinary marriage.  With a dramatic "he said, then I said" style, we get a glimpse into marriages in which "the girls", try to outwit and trick their husbands to avoid punishment.  Of course, it never works and ends in tears when a husband, at the end of his patience, administers a punishment in anger.  The humorous style belies the serious message being delivered:  it's "us" against "them".I know I'm the "old fuddy-duddy granny" of bloggers.  I'm 2-3 times as old and have been married (at least) 2-3 times as long as many beginners.  We've only been doing ttwd for 2 1/2 years but we bring a lifetime of experience in our marriage.  We've been through the wars, have learned some hard lessons and can show the scars.I think Domestic Discipline is not the Holy Grail.  It's only the first step on this journey.  Next comes Domestic Self-Discipline.  When we take that step, we bring ourselves back from the edge of Disrespect or Dishonesty or Disobedience before he even knows we are there.  We choose to give our Respect, Honesty and Obedience voluntarily, with joy and love.  We avoid deliberate provocation and angry retaliation.  We feel a sense of fulfillment and peace in our submission and our obedience is a source of happiness.  This is never 100%, of course, and it requires self-discipline from both partners.  We come to this over a long period of self-examination, hard work and communication.  But the rewards are priceless!To us, the true goal is Domestic Harmony.  We both work toward this every day.  Over the years we become attuned to one another, aware of small discordant notes.  When this happens, we are willing to do what it takes to bring the harmony back to our marriage.  Sometimes that requires that we go back to a disciplinary approach, sometimes we need to renew our commitment to self-discipline, but what we crave is embodied in the definition of harmony:
harmony1 balance, symmetry, congruity, consonance, coordination, compatibility2 accord, agreement, peace, peacefulness, amity, amicability, friendship, fellowship, cooperation, understanding, consensus, unity, sympathy, rapport, like-mindedness; unison, union, concert, oneness, synthesis; concord.
To my mind, this is the Holy Grail and it's well worth a life-long Quest!

Tears

A comment to my last post:  "You mention that you cry almost every time. Since, as you said, Lash rarely talks or scolds, and there are very few discipline spankings, what is it that makes you cry? I ask because I have yet to reach the place of emotional release during a spanking -- whether it involves tears or not. I think it has to do with my pride and something I'm still hanging onto, afraid to let go of. Do you have any suggestions for me? Katherine"
     As long as we've had ttwd in our marriage, I've longed for emotional release, especially tears, during a spanking.  We tried various methods in the past to get me to that point - longer, harder, different implements - but nothing worked.  I could usually cry during a punishment, but that almost always came from my own remorse and shame and not from any severity on Lash's part.  I could sometimes get misty-eyed and sniffly but it didn't provide any resolution to the emotions I carried inside.  Spanking harder with a strap, just made me fearful, tense and resistant.  
     When we restarted our spankings in June, I was suddenly able to let go and cry and I encouraged Lash to spank me longer, while I sobbed.  Somewhere in the 4 month hiatus after my surgery, I lost the fear, lost the tension and stopped resisting.  One element of letting go of all that was my forced dependence on Lash during my recovery.  I was very fearful of being completely immobile and helpless for so many weeks and I had to work through a lot of those feelings.
     Some of it goes back over 60 years.  When I was a baby, my father came down with a crippling illness that kept him in the hospital for months and in a wheelchair or crutches for years.  It put an end to his ability to farm, so my mother, at barely 21, had a 3 month old baby, a husband on the verge of death and no income.  Over the next few years, they regained some financial stability but I had three younger siblings, and never felt that I could be the one in the family who was dependent, helpless, babied.  There was always a greater "need" than mine due to illness, stress, infancy or poverty.  
     I knew that Lash loved me for my maturity, independence and inner strength.  I hesitated to show my needier side, but after surgery I had no choice.  I learned that I could be loved for my needs, my vulnerability.  I found something softer and less fearful inside.  I could show the tears without feeling embarrassed or awkward.  A part of me that I thought was unloveable became valued and cherished.  
     Lash posted about this on his blog and came up with a great analogy - deep, painful massage.  I now welcome the hardest of spankings because it brings me to that point of releasing pride and stubbornness and crying freely.  It happens to different degrees with each spanking, but I know it's waiting for me when I need it - and I'm no longer afraid to need it.  

A spanking a day......

     I've mentioned our daily spankings on this blog and a couple of people have asked about how it works for us.  When we first started DD about 2 1/2 years ago, Lash was working and living out of town about half-time. It was hard to maintain any kind of routine, so we decided to do maintenance spankings every day whenever we were together.  Some days we just didn't have the energy or interest.  Still, daily spankings made us feel closer, more intimate - that was our goal.
     After a 4 month hiatus (I had surgery) and with Lash retired, we suddenly had the time, the interest and the energy to begin daily spankings again.  We usually get up early, walk for 30-45 minutes, get cleaned up and then, as Lash says, he "takes care of his wife".
     Ever since our early days with DD, we've had the same spanking routine.  We snuggle in bed, talk and get relaxed.  It's my time to get into a submissive frame of mind.  On the rare occasions when there is a punishment due, we talk about it and I nearly always cry before the spanking even begins.  Usually we just talk about any little issues that might have come up for us.
     I lie over a pillow across one of Lash's legs while he sits up in bed.  His other leg holds my legs in place and he reaches out with his left hand so that I can hold onto it.  Lash spanks me with his right hand and never scolds or says much.  He gives a good warm up that covers my thighs and bottom.  As the spanks get harder, he concentrates on my sit spot so that I'll feel it for a while.  Lately, I've been able to cry most of the time and he's learning to spank me while I cry which helps release tension and stress for both of us.
     Lash never spanks in anger, never spanks until after we've cuddled and talked and never leaves marks or bruises.  After the spanking, we snuggle again and he soothes my tears and my stinging bottom.  I usually feel very submissive and we often talk about our feelings and what we are discovering about ourselves and about each other.  Sometimes we make love, sometimes we just snuggle and sometimes we get right up to start the day.  
     For a long time, I thought that I wanted disciplinary spankings. The idea is still a hot one for me, but we've discovered that it's really the intimacy, the sense of unity and the expression of that dominant/submissive dynamic that drives our need for spanking.  We don't really use it to modify my behavior or make me obey.
     Our routine of "cuddle/talk, spank, cuddle/talk" is very intimate, very relaxing and yet, very energizing.  It gives me a sense of serenity and fulfillment and, without it, the day just doesn't feel right.  
     I hope this has given some insight into how our version of DD works and why we both love it.

A spanking carved in stone

Today we went to a museum with our daughter and one of the exhibits was gem carvings.  And one of the gem carvings was a Russian sauna scene with a man using birch switches on a naked woman.  Lash whispered a suggestive comment and I was weak-kneed for the rest of the morning.  Sorry about the blurred image.  I couldn't take a photo in front of my daughter and got this from the internet.  His left arm has just birched her back and his right is raised to strike her buttocks.  Spanking really is everywhere!

Subtlety

subtle |ˈsətl|    adjective 

1. so delicate or precise as to be difficult to analyze or describe
Lately our experience of DD has been one of subtlety and nuance.  We seldom raise our voices to each other or slam doors or stomp out of the house angry.  Of course, we have done all these things in the past and may do them again, but for the present they have faded away.  Lash does not chase me around the house with a raised paddle, trying to catch me to turn my bottom black and blue.  That will probably never happen.  We are not a volatile, out-spoken, short-fused couple so there will be little drama on this blog.
Our last few spankings have happened because of very subtle signals we have noticed inside ourselves.  In one instance, I felt tiny pockets of resistance in my submission and asked for a second spanking to help me feel like the wife I wanted to be.  Another time,  I began to pull away slightly and needed to be reminded to lean on Lash when I am troubled.
Yesterday, we didn't have time for our usual walk and spanking routine in the morning.  It wasn't a bad day.  We didn't fight or even grow distant, but Lash felt a subtle change inside himself, something not-quite-right.  So before we went to bed, he took me in his arms and told me that he needed to spank me.  My response was:  "I'm yours!"  
It was a change for us.  We seldom spank outside of our usual daily maintenance.  He couldn't explain why he needed it - he didn't have to.  He knew I would comply and I never considered refusing.  His need was enough for me.  My obedience was all he asked.  So he spanked (and dang! that man loves my sit spot!)  I went to bed with a bottom that not only hummed, but sang out loud all night.  Of course, I got my usual morning spanking today.  Owwwwie!
We've been toying with the idea of a little "warm up" of my bottom with the strap before bedtime.  Lash likes me to sleep in the nude and we both like the idea of my having a tingle in my bottom - another subtle reminder to think of him all night.  I'll let you know if this plan works out.  If last night was any indication, it might.  We both really liked it!

Drifting Away

     I've been drifting away on some inner sea of emotion for a few days.  I've read blogs but haven't commented, thought about posting but couldn't write.  I turned inward, away from Lash, away from life.  A simple visit to my doctor set me adrift.
     My blood pressure has been a little high for a while and I finally made an appointment to see my internist.  While I was there I asked about stopping my hormones and possibly starting anti-depressants.  A couple of years ago, I had problems when I stopped taking hormone replacements which I blogged about here and problems with depression posted here.  A flood of memories and feelings has overwhelmed me since I started talking about this to Lash and my doctor.  I keep remembering my mother's depression and suicide attempt while I was in college.  Not wanting to feel the bad feelings that were coming up, I pulled away from Lash and the good feelings, too.  
     This morning, I was quiet and withdrawn when we walked.  I really didn't want to be spanked which usually follows when we get home.  Actually, I didn't want to be held in his arms, to talk quietly, to feel vulnerable and open - which precedes the spanking.  Sure enough, the cuddling, the talking, the vulnerability brought on tears - but also relief to be able to share with Lash and ask for help. I needed Lash to be the one who pulled me back and let me know he wouldn't allow me to get lost.  I asked him to be strong for me, to be firm and unmovable when I try to withdraw.  
     I know I can handle my current problems, physical and emotional, with help from Lash and my doctor.  And I know that Lash will hold steady on the course we've chosen in our marriage.  If I start to drift away, he'll be the firmly set anchor that keeps me safe.
     Yes,  I got the spanking I needed, one of the hardest Lash has ever given me.  I cried long and hard but they were tears of relief as the thought kept repeating itself in my mind, "He won't let me drift away!"  An old habit, an old way of reacting simply won't work for me because we have a way to deal with it and Lash will not allow it to happen.  As for me, I'd much rather sit on a humming bottom all day than feel that distance between us for one minute.  

A Man's Perspective

Lash is starting to write some posts about his experiences as a man in a DD marriage.  I'll be putting up links on our page: A Man's Perspective.  They will also be at the top of my sidebar.  Here is the first.

In the Beginning......

It Takes a Village

     I've read some comments about how nice it is to exchange ideas here in cyberspace with like-minded folks - especially when we can't talk about it to anyone in real life.  That's one of the things that brought me back to blogging.  I seem to remember, back on the old SSS or ASS newsgroups that they had an imaginary village where people had imaginary houses and businesses, all spanko related, of course!
     Wouldn't it be nice if there was an isolated village where we could each have a vacation cottage?  We could meet and visit and no one would think twice if some one gave "the look" or pulled out a paddle or if you heard smacking sounds from every window.  Some people do go to spanking get-togethers, but it's not like having your own little private town of spankos.  Well, I can dream!
     Back to reality!  Right now, I can't imagine going public with family or friends.  I can't even imagine going public at a spanking gathering.  I can only come here to say what's on my mind - to share what it's like to be a spanked wife and happy about it.  I don't have to put up with raised eyebrows, horrified frowns or sympathetic advice to "get help".  I usually feel more "normal" here than I do in the "normal" world because I don't have to hide certain parts of myself.  This area of our life is becoming increasingly important to us.  I really didn't realize how much it helps to share it until I was away from it for a year.  Thanks for being here when I came back and for not forgetting us!

Random Thoughts on Spanking

  
     I really like this morning's post by His First Mate about mixing spanking and sex.  I love the way she describes the intimacy that is created by spanking.  I also understand (not necessarily agree with) the advice that she cited about not mixing punishment and sex.  I have read comments by women new to DD to the effect that their partners seemed to spank them only when they wanted sex and didn't seem to get the idea of discipline being a separate situation.   I think it is good, if you want a DD relationship, to at least understand the difference - and that distinction can be difficult for a man who is new to DD and stimulated by spanking his wife.  We all come to practice our own flavor of TTWD eventually, but I think that some guidance (from a variety of sources) can be helpful.
     I was also thinking about Sara's post on dominant and domineering.  It made me consider the difference between voluntary, active submission and obedience and being made to submit and obey.  At one point, I half-jokingly asked Lash whether he would like me to resist a little when he spanked me - if subduing me would bring out his dominance.  His response was that he wanted my voluntary obedience, that he loved to see me submit to a spanking without fuss or hesitation, to accept whatever he decided.  We don't want any part of a "forced" submission.  Just as my love for Lash is a choice I make, even when the "in love" feeling rises and falls - so is the choice I make to be obedient, even when I don't feel like it.  To be coerced by words or physical actions into submitting would break the trust between us and destroy all that we have built.
     L (@ Trying to do this thing we do), a new blogger just this month,  wrote in her post today that her backside was "humming slightly" from a recent spanking.  I absolutely love that idea!  Before, I've thought of it as stinging, burning, itching, aching or other words that imply pain, but my bottom really is happily humming a little satisfied tune as I recall this morning's spanking.  Hmmm! Hmmm! Hmmm!

PS:  Do you know that Spellcheck recognizes Hmmm as a word but not Hmmmm?  Funny old Spellcheck!

Blogs & Posts & Comments! Oh my!

Like Dorothy, I've been wandering through the Land of (spanko)OZ with a sense of wonder and amazement at the strange, colorful, engrossing and  informative assortment of blogs.  After being away from my blog for over a year, I needed to edit my blogroll and delve into the new writers who had joined the community.  It's made me think about what I really like to read and what I'd rather not spend my time on.  
I like to read posts and comments by:
     1.  People who have some experience with a DD partnership, who are thoughtful about their relationship, always striving to learn and grow, keeping in mind what's important to them as a couple.
     2.  Newcomers, who are trying out different approaches, feeling their way along this journey, not always getting it "right" but sincerely trying to deepen their knowledge and experience. 
     3.  People who are struggling - within themselves, with a partner who is just not "getting it", with loneliness, sadness, hectic lives, irritating relatives, children, illness, jobs and all the real life difficulties.
     4.  People who share their playful spanking adventures, go to spanko gatherings, write fun and erotic fiction, make me laugh, ask interesting questions and keep it light.
     5.  People who just pop in to comment but always say something helpful or positive.
     6.  People who live a different form of TTWD, who delve into areas where I can't (or won't) go, who dare to live their dreams and desires.
     7.  People who share the joys and sorrows of their everyday lives so that we can know each other better.


And what I don't like?
     1.  Blogs that describe what seems like abuse.
     2.  Blogs that are all drama and no insight.
     3.  One-size-fits-all comments like:  "I'd like to spank your ass."  No kidding?
     4.  Blogs that "ick" me out.  I have a pretty high tolerance, but I do draw the line.
     5.  Blogs written in hard-to-read fonts.  My age is showing!  

I'd love to hear what other readers like, dislike and want to read about.

A Tale of Two Spankings

I got my spanking this morning but it didn't come about exactly as I had hoped.  Lash started the morning with a comment that I took as blame and criticism.  I felt irritated and defensive and argued this issue in my mind while we went for our morning walk.  I asked him to clarify and he said that he had not meant it that way.  I believed him but still had several sarcastic comments spinning around in my head.
  
OK, some lessons I've learned over the years:
     1.  Everything in my head doesn't have to come
          out of my mouth!
     2.  Our marriage is more important than being
          "right".
     3.  In some rare cases, Lash may be "right".
     4.  Holding on to resentment is just my ego acting
          up.
     5.  Letting go of resentment makes me feel so
          much better!


To continue:  I worked on letting go when we got home, I showered and went to wait for Lash in bed.  We cuddled, he spanked long and hard, I cried, we cuddled again and....... something wasn't right.  I knew that I was holding back part of myself.  I also knew that it would bother me all day if I didn't say something.  So I told him about it - told him that I wasn't back to being the wife he deserved, the person I deserve to be.


So, he spanked again - in a position I hate - hard spanks that hit very tender areas.  He showed me that he won't tolerate having a fraction of my submission or a portion of my obedience.  I have promised them to him and he has a right to a wife who doesn't give them grudgingly.  I also have a right to that heavenly feeling when there is nothing standing between us, no walls in my heart.


It wasn't a punishment spanking.  It was given and received in the spirit of love, in order to insure that something as small as a misunderstanding will never come between us again.  I'm sitting on a very sore bottom but I feel lighter, clearer, happier.  I know that this works for us.

Pouting

     I'm not really too unhappy, but have been feeling the lack of spanking for a few days.
     I had a colonoscopy yesterday which, of course, involves viewing of my bottom by at least a couple of relative strangers.  Therefore, no spanking on Tuesday or Wednesday so as to leave said bottom free of marks and redness.  Lash had to go out of town today, so no spanking this morning.  We've also had workers in the house this week so I'm not even sure about tomorrow unless we get an early start to the day.  So today, I'm an unhappy Meow as far as spanking goes.  I'll let you know about tomorrow. 
     PS:  I know, I know!  Poor me, who gets a good spanking nearly every day.  I shouldn't complain, right?  But it's my blog and I'll pout if I want to.  (Thanks to Leslie Gore's "Its My Party" for the inspiration!  A blast from my past.)

Passive vs. Submissive

     The idea for this post came to me while reading profiles of some bloggers in DD marriages or trying to start DD relationships.  Some of them described themselves as sassy or feisty or hard to handle or similar phrases.  I wondered how hard it was to define yourself that way and then try to be submissive and obedient to a dominant partner as many of them say they hope to become.  It seemed to me that it meant changing your entire self-image.  So I started to think about it.     I spent most of my life in passive mode:  compliant, unassertive, detached, malleable, uninvolved.  Part of that has to do with my personality.  I'm very introverted, tend to be an observer rather than a participant, prefer to follow rather than lead and hate to make decisions.  Passivity also made it easier to get along growing up in my family, church, school and the society of the 1950s.     Since submissive and obedient fall under one of the definitions of passive, they should have been easy for me, right?  Guess again!  I came to learn that my outward passivity covered up inward rebellion.  I went along with what authority taught but believed what I wanted to believe and just kept it inside.  Of course it came out in a million passive-aggressive behaviors from sarcasm to forgetting to "accidents".       Since Lash and I started using our form of DD, with expectations of some degree of submission and obedience on my part, I've had to come to terms with that inward rebellion. I could have complied outwardly, acting the part of a good wife and rebelling inwardly.  Or I could really, truly change the way I thought of myself and my relationship with authority in the form of my husband.     It has been a long journey to put that inner rebel in her proper place.  She still lives inside and I think of her as a friend who keeps me from acting out in destructive ways.  I retain the right to think my own thoughts and believe what I believe without necessarily expressing them when it could hurt a friend or family member.  I also do not let her come between me and my husband.  Inside of me also lives that good wife who actually wants to please, wants to obey, wants to submit.  I can treat my husband with respect, honor, honesty, obedience and love and I can do those things actively, not passively!  I can work at keeping the rebel and the good wife both alive and healthy inside.  They aren't enemies, but coexist peacefully.  I need them both.       I believe that we don't have to give up being who we are when we enter a DD relationship.  We grow, we stretch the limits of who we are.  We learn new behaviors, thoughts and emotions and become less controlled by our former self-image.  We gain freedom by submitting and gain independence by obeying simply because we choose to do both.
     

Can't Help Lovin' that Woman of Mine

I was so overwhelmed by Meow's blog Thursday that I cried for a long time, and certainly couldn't blog then. It brought up so many years of hidden guilt and remorse, always feeling that I hadn't made the best decisions for my wife and children.

I've read Mick's and Stormy's blogs and comments. I identified so much with Mick's blog.

I have always felt that my profession was my "calling", what God intended me to do. After 4 years of post-doctoral training my profession was far more than just a job. I was torn between profession, wife, children and home for 38 years. So many hours with my peers whose goals were the McMansions, boats, planes, world travel, etc. augmented some of my own desires for these things. I usually did have the honesty to know that it wasn't all "just for my family". I knew I had my own demons about wanting those things too. It was always Meow's loving input about values that helped me make the good decisions that I did. Maybe there were times when Meow wasn't understanding about work, but she was always there with absolute support helping me make those very scary leaps of faith. I always knew that our marriage and family were far more important to her than money.

These past few months of retirement have been such a blessing. I cannot imagine ever again giving up our daily love and intimacy for money. Meow, you are really stuck with me now!  Love,  Lash

Can't Help Lovin' that Man of Mine

     Stormy wrote a beautiful post here and it really made me think about Lash's job and our ups and downs.  When we were first married, I was lonely a lot when he worked late, but I also worked odd hours and we got used to our evenings and nights alone.
     When it was time to settle down in his career, he chose a job that paid less but offered shorter work hours and more vacation.  Our kids were young then and he was able to spend more time with his family.
     Gradually, decisions were made at work that meant longer work hours for him and less time with family.  It was hard on him in many ways and the stress took its toll on all of us.
     Finally, about 10-12 years before retirement, he decided to chuck that job and begin free-lance consulting so that he could work about half-time.  It had some drawbacks but it made sense for us and allowed us to spend more time together and with our kids and parents.
     Today I thanked Lash for making those decisions to put family first.  It wasn't easy to go against the tide of  work-addiction and money-hunger that drove so many of those around him.  We were very comfortable financially, but we didn't have the McMansions, boats, planes, world travel, private schools, etc. that many of his peers felt were necessary.  We were satisfied without them.
     And here I need to put in a good word for myself.  Some of the pressure to perform and earn came from spouses who never seemed to have enough.  I refused to have anything to do with them and tried to let Lash know that I didn't want more "stuff" but more of his time.  I encouraged him to quit that poisonous job situation and work for himself.  I encouraged him to retire when consulting became too stressful.  These were scary leaps of faith.  We still don't know if retirement will work for us financially, but we're willing to walk into an unknown future as long as we can do it together.
     I'm certainly not saying that I didn't complain, cry, pout and make his life miserable at times because of my objections to his work.  I tried to be supportive, but fell short so many times.  Looking back, I can see how impossible his situation was and how well he coped with pressure from all directions.
     Thank you, Lash, for providing for your family in every way possible!  I love you!!

Yin and Yang

When I recently returned to blogging, I re-read some of my older posts and found things that I had written and totally forgotten.  One of them was our experiment with using a strap and tawse when Lash had hand surgery.  At that time, I was asking to be "pushed" toward crying and was having a hard time relaxing and letting go.  I was tense and afraid of the pain.

     Recently, after a 4 month hiatus, we started spanking again and I'm suddenly finding myself able to tolerate and even welcome the pain - and to cry much more easily.  Lash spanks hard (with his hand) and it hurts, but somehow it doesn't make me tense.  I am much more open and receptive to the spanking. 

     Lash has been training in a field of body/energy healing and is very aware of energy  movement and blockages in my body.  He tells me that when I am tense during a spanking, he feels as though I'm obstructing a flow of energy.  When I begin to cry hard, it breaks down that block and he feels the energy flowing from him, through me, freely.  And for my part, I feel a huge release of tension when Lash spanks me through the tears.

     For us, one of the main reasons we like spanking, and spanking frequently, is that it releases this masculine/feminine energy and makes us feel like two halves of one whole - Yin and Yang.  It centers us, grounds us and gives us both strength and peace.  

     Of course, we still have playful spankings and punishment spankings and spankings where one or the other of us just can't relax, but when the Yin/Yang works it is a joyous experience!