Domestic Harmony

Lash and I have been talking lately about terms used for ttwd.  Although I don't like to get stuck on labels, I think that words have power and that naming something can shape our actions and color our feelings about it.  

discipline1 train, drill, teach, coach;2 control, restrain, regulate, govern;3 punish, penalize, reprimand, rebuke, chastise;A Domestic Discipline relationship would seem, by definition, to include training, controlling and/or punishing.  There is an implication that one of the partners requires teaching, regulating and chastising and that the other partner should be responsible for carrying this out.  In some ways this polarizes the relationship.I've read several blogs lately that, with humor, celebrate the adversarial nature of a disciplinary marriage.  With a dramatic "he said, then I said" style, we get a glimpse into marriages in which "the girls", try to outwit and trick their husbands to avoid punishment.  Of course, it never works and ends in tears when a husband, at the end of his patience, administers a punishment in anger.  The humorous style belies the serious message being delivered:  it's "us" against "them".I know I'm the "old fuddy-duddy granny" of bloggers.  I'm 2-3 times as old and have been married (at least) 2-3 times as long as many beginners.  We've only been doing ttwd for 2 1/2 years but we bring a lifetime of experience in our marriage.  We've been through the wars, have learned some hard lessons and can show the scars.I think Domestic Discipline is not the Holy Grail.  It's only the first step on this journey.  Next comes Domestic Self-Discipline.  When we take that step, we bring ourselves back from the edge of Disrespect or Dishonesty or Disobedience before he even knows we are there.  We choose to give our Respect, Honesty and Obedience voluntarily, with joy and love.  We avoid deliberate provocation and angry retaliation.  We feel a sense of fulfillment and peace in our submission and our obedience is a source of happiness.  This is never 100%, of course, and it requires self-discipline from both partners.  We come to this over a long period of self-examination, hard work and communication.  But the rewards are priceless!To us, the true goal is Domestic Harmony.  We both work toward this every day.  Over the years we become attuned to one another, aware of small discordant notes.  When this happens, we are willing to do what it takes to bring the harmony back to our marriage.  Sometimes that requires that we go back to a disciplinary approach, sometimes we need to renew our commitment to self-discipline, but what we crave is embodied in the definition of harmony:
harmony1 balance, symmetry, congruity, consonance, coordination, compatibility2 accord, agreement, peace, peacefulness, amity, amicability, friendship, fellowship, cooperation, understanding, consensus, unity, sympathy, rapport, like-mindedness; unison, union, concert, oneness, synthesis; concord.
To my mind, this is the Holy Grail and it's well worth a life-long Quest!

Tears

A comment to my last post:  "You mention that you cry almost every time. Since, as you said, Lash rarely talks or scolds, and there are very few discipline spankings, what is it that makes you cry? I ask because I have yet to reach the place of emotional release during a spanking -- whether it involves tears or not. I think it has to do with my pride and something I'm still hanging onto, afraid to let go of. Do you have any suggestions for me? Katherine"
     As long as we've had ttwd in our marriage, I've longed for emotional release, especially tears, during a spanking.  We tried various methods in the past to get me to that point - longer, harder, different implements - but nothing worked.  I could usually cry during a punishment, but that almost always came from my own remorse and shame and not from any severity on Lash's part.  I could sometimes get misty-eyed and sniffly but it didn't provide any resolution to the emotions I carried inside.  Spanking harder with a strap, just made me fearful, tense and resistant.  
     When we restarted our spankings in June, I was suddenly able to let go and cry and I encouraged Lash to spank me longer, while I sobbed.  Somewhere in the 4 month hiatus after my surgery, I lost the fear, lost the tension and stopped resisting.  One element of letting go of all that was my forced dependence on Lash during my recovery.  I was very fearful of being completely immobile and helpless for so many weeks and I had to work through a lot of those feelings.
     Some of it goes back over 60 years.  When I was a baby, my father came down with a crippling illness that kept him in the hospital for months and in a wheelchair or crutches for years.  It put an end to his ability to farm, so my mother, at barely 21, had a 3 month old baby, a husband on the verge of death and no income.  Over the next few years, they regained some financial stability but I had three younger siblings, and never felt that I could be the one in the family who was dependent, helpless, babied.  There was always a greater "need" than mine due to illness, stress, infancy or poverty.  
     I knew that Lash loved me for my maturity, independence and inner strength.  I hesitated to show my needier side, but after surgery I had no choice.  I learned that I could be loved for my needs, my vulnerability.  I found something softer and less fearful inside.  I could show the tears without feeling embarrassed or awkward.  A part of me that I thought was unloveable became valued and cherished.  
     Lash posted about this on his blog and came up with a great analogy - deep, painful massage.  I now welcome the hardest of spankings because it brings me to that point of releasing pride and stubbornness and crying freely.  It happens to different degrees with each spanking, but I know it's waiting for me when I need it - and I'm no longer afraid to need it.  

A spanking a day......

     I've mentioned our daily spankings on this blog and a couple of people have asked about how it works for us.  When we first started DD about 2 1/2 years ago, Lash was working and living out of town about half-time. It was hard to maintain any kind of routine, so we decided to do maintenance spankings every day whenever we were together.  Some days we just didn't have the energy or interest.  Still, daily spankings made us feel closer, more intimate - that was our goal.
     After a 4 month hiatus (I had surgery) and with Lash retired, we suddenly had the time, the interest and the energy to begin daily spankings again.  We usually get up early, walk for 30-45 minutes, get cleaned up and then, as Lash says, he "takes care of his wife".
     Ever since our early days with DD, we've had the same spanking routine.  We snuggle in bed, talk and get relaxed.  It's my time to get into a submissive frame of mind.  On the rare occasions when there is a punishment due, we talk about it and I nearly always cry before the spanking even begins.  Usually we just talk about any little issues that might have come up for us.
     I lie over a pillow across one of Lash's legs while he sits up in bed.  His other leg holds my legs in place and he reaches out with his left hand so that I can hold onto it.  Lash spanks me with his right hand and never scolds or says much.  He gives a good warm up that covers my thighs and bottom.  As the spanks get harder, he concentrates on my sit spot so that I'll feel it for a while.  Lately, I've been able to cry most of the time and he's learning to spank me while I cry which helps release tension and stress for both of us.
     Lash never spanks in anger, never spanks until after we've cuddled and talked and never leaves marks or bruises.  After the spanking, we snuggle again and he soothes my tears and my stinging bottom.  I usually feel very submissive and we often talk about our feelings and what we are discovering about ourselves and about each other.  Sometimes we make love, sometimes we just snuggle and sometimes we get right up to start the day.  
     For a long time, I thought that I wanted disciplinary spankings. The idea is still a hot one for me, but we've discovered that it's really the intimacy, the sense of unity and the expression of that dominant/submissive dynamic that drives our need for spanking.  We don't really use it to modify my behavior or make me obey.
     Our routine of "cuddle/talk, spank, cuddle/talk" is very intimate, very relaxing and yet, very energizing.  It gives me a sense of serenity and fulfillment and, without it, the day just doesn't feel right.  
     I hope this has given some insight into how our version of DD works and why we both love it.

A spanking carved in stone

Today we went to a museum with our daughter and one of the exhibits was gem carvings.  And one of the gem carvings was a Russian sauna scene with a man using birch switches on a naked woman.  Lash whispered a suggestive comment and I was weak-kneed for the rest of the morning.  Sorry about the blurred image.  I couldn't take a photo in front of my daughter and got this from the internet.  His left arm has just birched her back and his right is raised to strike her buttocks.  Spanking really is everywhere!

Subtlety

subtle |ˈsətl|    adjective 

1. so delicate or precise as to be difficult to analyze or describe
Lately our experience of DD has been one of subtlety and nuance.  We seldom raise our voices to each other or slam doors or stomp out of the house angry.  Of course, we have done all these things in the past and may do them again, but for the present they have faded away.  Lash does not chase me around the house with a raised paddle, trying to catch me to turn my bottom black and blue.  That will probably never happen.  We are not a volatile, out-spoken, short-fused couple so there will be little drama on this blog.
Our last few spankings have happened because of very subtle signals we have noticed inside ourselves.  In one instance, I felt tiny pockets of resistance in my submission and asked for a second spanking to help me feel like the wife I wanted to be.  Another time,  I began to pull away slightly and needed to be reminded to lean on Lash when I am troubled.
Yesterday, we didn't have time for our usual walk and spanking routine in the morning.  It wasn't a bad day.  We didn't fight or even grow distant, but Lash felt a subtle change inside himself, something not-quite-right.  So before we went to bed, he took me in his arms and told me that he needed to spank me.  My response was:  "I'm yours!"  
It was a change for us.  We seldom spank outside of our usual daily maintenance.  He couldn't explain why he needed it - he didn't have to.  He knew I would comply and I never considered refusing.  His need was enough for me.  My obedience was all he asked.  So he spanked (and dang! that man loves my sit spot!)  I went to bed with a bottom that not only hummed, but sang out loud all night.  Of course, I got my usual morning spanking today.  Owwwwie!
We've been toying with the idea of a little "warm up" of my bottom with the strap before bedtime.  Lash likes me to sleep in the nude and we both like the idea of my having a tingle in my bottom - another subtle reminder to think of him all night.  I'll let you know if this plan works out.  If last night was any indication, it might.  We both really liked it!

Drifting Away

     I've been drifting away on some inner sea of emotion for a few days.  I've read blogs but haven't commented, thought about posting but couldn't write.  I turned inward, away from Lash, away from life.  A simple visit to my doctor set me adrift.
     My blood pressure has been a little high for a while and I finally made an appointment to see my internist.  While I was there I asked about stopping my hormones and possibly starting anti-depressants.  A couple of years ago, I had problems when I stopped taking hormone replacements which I blogged about here and problems with depression posted here.  A flood of memories and feelings has overwhelmed me since I started talking about this to Lash and my doctor.  I keep remembering my mother's depression and suicide attempt while I was in college.  Not wanting to feel the bad feelings that were coming up, I pulled away from Lash and the good feelings, too.  
     This morning, I was quiet and withdrawn when we walked.  I really didn't want to be spanked which usually follows when we get home.  Actually, I didn't want to be held in his arms, to talk quietly, to feel vulnerable and open - which precedes the spanking.  Sure enough, the cuddling, the talking, the vulnerability brought on tears - but also relief to be able to share with Lash and ask for help. I needed Lash to be the one who pulled me back and let me know he wouldn't allow me to get lost.  I asked him to be strong for me, to be firm and unmovable when I try to withdraw.  
     I know I can handle my current problems, physical and emotional, with help from Lash and my doctor.  And I know that Lash will hold steady on the course we've chosen in our marriage.  If I start to drift away, he'll be the firmly set anchor that keeps me safe.
     Yes,  I got the spanking I needed, one of the hardest Lash has ever given me.  I cried long and hard but they were tears of relief as the thought kept repeating itself in my mind, "He won't let me drift away!"  An old habit, an old way of reacting simply won't work for me because we have a way to deal with it and Lash will not allow it to happen.  As for me, I'd much rather sit on a humming bottom all day than feel that distance between us for one minute.  

A Man's Perspective

Lash is starting to write some posts about his experiences as a man in a DD marriage.  I'll be putting up links on our page: A Man's Perspective.  They will also be at the top of my sidebar.  Here is the first.

In the Beginning......

It Takes a Village

     I've read some comments about how nice it is to exchange ideas here in cyberspace with like-minded folks - especially when we can't talk about it to anyone in real life.  That's one of the things that brought me back to blogging.  I seem to remember, back on the old SSS or ASS newsgroups that they had an imaginary village where people had imaginary houses and businesses, all spanko related, of course!
     Wouldn't it be nice if there was an isolated village where we could each have a vacation cottage?  We could meet and visit and no one would think twice if some one gave "the look" or pulled out a paddle or if you heard smacking sounds from every window.  Some people do go to spanking get-togethers, but it's not like having your own little private town of spankos.  Well, I can dream!
     Back to reality!  Right now, I can't imagine going public with family or friends.  I can't even imagine going public at a spanking gathering.  I can only come here to say what's on my mind - to share what it's like to be a spanked wife and happy about it.  I don't have to put up with raised eyebrows, horrified frowns or sympathetic advice to "get help".  I usually feel more "normal" here than I do in the "normal" world because I don't have to hide certain parts of myself.  This area of our life is becoming increasingly important to us.  I really didn't realize how much it helps to share it until I was away from it for a year.  Thanks for being here when I came back and for not forgetting us!

Random Thoughts on Spanking

  
     I really like this morning's post by His First Mate about mixing spanking and sex.  I love the way she describes the intimacy that is created by spanking.  I also understand (not necessarily agree with) the advice that she cited about not mixing punishment and sex.  I have read comments by women new to DD to the effect that their partners seemed to spank them only when they wanted sex and didn't seem to get the idea of discipline being a separate situation.   I think it is good, if you want a DD relationship, to at least understand the difference - and that distinction can be difficult for a man who is new to DD and stimulated by spanking his wife.  We all come to practice our own flavor of TTWD eventually, but I think that some guidance (from a variety of sources) can be helpful.
     I was also thinking about Sara's post on dominant and domineering.  It made me consider the difference between voluntary, active submission and obedience and being made to submit and obey.  At one point, I half-jokingly asked Lash whether he would like me to resist a little when he spanked me - if subduing me would bring out his dominance.  His response was that he wanted my voluntary obedience, that he loved to see me submit to a spanking without fuss or hesitation, to accept whatever he decided.  We don't want any part of a "forced" submission.  Just as my love for Lash is a choice I make, even when the "in love" feeling rises and falls - so is the choice I make to be obedient, even when I don't feel like it.  To be coerced by words or physical actions into submitting would break the trust between us and destroy all that we have built.
     L (@ Trying to do this thing we do), a new blogger just this month,  wrote in her post today that her backside was "humming slightly" from a recent spanking.  I absolutely love that idea!  Before, I've thought of it as stinging, burning, itching, aching or other words that imply pain, but my bottom really is happily humming a little satisfied tune as I recall this morning's spanking.  Hmmm! Hmmm! Hmmm!

PS:  Do you know that Spellcheck recognizes Hmmm as a word but not Hmmmm?  Funny old Spellcheck!

Blogs & Posts & Comments! Oh my!

Like Dorothy, I've been wandering through the Land of (spanko)OZ with a sense of wonder and amazement at the strange, colorful, engrossing and  informative assortment of blogs.  After being away from my blog for over a year, I needed to edit my blogroll and delve into the new writers who had joined the community.  It's made me think about what I really like to read and what I'd rather not spend my time on.  
I like to read posts and comments by:
     1.  People who have some experience with a DD partnership, who are thoughtful about their relationship, always striving to learn and grow, keeping in mind what's important to them as a couple.
     2.  Newcomers, who are trying out different approaches, feeling their way along this journey, not always getting it "right" but sincerely trying to deepen their knowledge and experience. 
     3.  People who are struggling - within themselves, with a partner who is just not "getting it", with loneliness, sadness, hectic lives, irritating relatives, children, illness, jobs and all the real life difficulties.
     4.  People who share their playful spanking adventures, go to spanko gatherings, write fun and erotic fiction, make me laugh, ask interesting questions and keep it light.
     5.  People who just pop in to comment but always say something helpful or positive.
     6.  People who live a different form of TTWD, who delve into areas where I can't (or won't) go, who dare to live their dreams and desires.
     7.  People who share the joys and sorrows of their everyday lives so that we can know each other better.


And what I don't like?
     1.  Blogs that describe what seems like abuse.
     2.  Blogs that are all drama and no insight.
     3.  One-size-fits-all comments like:  "I'd like to spank your ass."  No kidding?
     4.  Blogs that "ick" me out.  I have a pretty high tolerance, but I do draw the line.
     5.  Blogs written in hard-to-read fonts.  My age is showing!  

I'd love to hear what other readers like, dislike and want to read about.