Tears

A comment to my last post:  "You mention that you cry almost every time. Since, as you said, Lash rarely talks or scolds, and there are very few discipline spankings, what is it that makes you cry? I ask because I have yet to reach the place of emotional release during a spanking -- whether it involves tears or not. I think it has to do with my pride and something I'm still hanging onto, afraid to let go of. Do you have any suggestions for me? Katherine"
     As long as we've had ttwd in our marriage, I've longed for emotional release, especially tears, during a spanking.  We tried various methods in the past to get me to that point - longer, harder, different implements - but nothing worked.  I could usually cry during a punishment, but that almost always came from my own remorse and shame and not from any severity on Lash's part.  I could sometimes get misty-eyed and sniffly but it didn't provide any resolution to the emotions I carried inside.  Spanking harder with a strap, just made me fearful, tense and resistant.  
     When we restarted our spankings in June, I was suddenly able to let go and cry and I encouraged Lash to spank me longer, while I sobbed.  Somewhere in the 4 month hiatus after my surgery, I lost the fear, lost the tension and stopped resisting.  One element of letting go of all that was my forced dependence on Lash during my recovery.  I was very fearful of being completely immobile and helpless for so many weeks and I had to work through a lot of those feelings.
     Some of it goes back over 60 years.  When I was a baby, my father came down with a crippling illness that kept him in the hospital for months and in a wheelchair or crutches for years.  It put an end to his ability to farm, so my mother, at barely 21, had a 3 month old baby, a husband on the verge of death and no income.  Over the next few years, they regained some financial stability but I had three younger siblings, and never felt that I could be the one in the family who was dependent, helpless, babied.  There was always a greater "need" than mine due to illness, stress, infancy or poverty.  
     I knew that Lash loved me for my maturity, independence and inner strength.  I hesitated to show my needier side, but after surgery I had no choice.  I learned that I could be loved for my needs, my vulnerability.  I found something softer and less fearful inside.  I could show the tears without feeling embarrassed or awkward.  A part of me that I thought was unloveable became valued and cherished.  
     Lash posted about this on his blog and came up with a great analogy - deep, painful massage.  I now welcome the hardest of spankings because it brings me to that point of releasing pride and stubbornness and crying freely.  It happens to different degrees with each spanking, but I know it's waiting for me when I need it - and I'm no longer afraid to need it.