Passive vs. Submissive

     The idea for this post came to me while reading profiles of some bloggers in DD marriages or trying to start DD relationships.  Some of them described themselves as sassy or feisty or hard to handle or similar phrases.  I wondered how hard it was to define yourself that way and then try to be submissive and obedient to a dominant partner as many of them say they hope to become.  It seemed to me that it meant changing your entire self-image.  So I started to think about it.     I spent most of my life in passive mode:  compliant, unassertive, detached, malleable, uninvolved.  Part of that has to do with my personality.  I'm very introverted, tend to be an observer rather than a participant, prefer to follow rather than lead and hate to make decisions.  Passivity also made it easier to get along growing up in my family, church, school and the society of the 1950s.     Since submissive and obedient fall under one of the definitions of passive, they should have been easy for me, right?  Guess again!  I came to learn that my outward passivity covered up inward rebellion.  I went along with what authority taught but believed what I wanted to believe and just kept it inside.  Of course it came out in a million passive-aggressive behaviors from sarcasm to forgetting to "accidents".       Since Lash and I started using our form of DD, with expectations of some degree of submission and obedience on my part, I've had to come to terms with that inward rebellion. I could have complied outwardly, acting the part of a good wife and rebelling inwardly.  Or I could really, truly change the way I thought of myself and my relationship with authority in the form of my husband.     It has been a long journey to put that inner rebel in her proper place.  She still lives inside and I think of her as a friend who keeps me from acting out in destructive ways.  I retain the right to think my own thoughts and believe what I believe without necessarily expressing them when it could hurt a friend or family member.  I also do not let her come between me and my husband.  Inside of me also lives that good wife who actually wants to please, wants to obey, wants to submit.  I can treat my husband with respect, honor, honesty, obedience and love and I can do those things actively, not passively!  I can work at keeping the rebel and the good wife both alive and healthy inside.  They aren't enemies, but coexist peacefully.  I need them both.       I believe that we don't have to give up being who we are when we enter a DD relationship.  We grow, we stretch the limits of who we are.  We learn new behaviors, thoughts and emotions and become less controlled by our former self-image.  We gain freedom by submitting and gain independence by obeying simply because we choose to do both.