Sunday, July 31

Domestic Harmony

Lash and I have been talking lately about terms used for ttwd.  Although I don't like to get stuck on labels, I think that words have power and that naming something can shape our actions and color our feelings about it.  

disciplinetraindrillteachcoach;controlrestrainregulategovern;punishpenalizereprimandrebukechastise;A Domestic Discipline relationship would seem, by definition, to include training, controlling and/or punishing.  There is an implication that one of the partners requires teaching, regulating and chastising and that the other partner should be responsible for carrying this out.  In some ways this polarizes the relationship.I've read several blogs lately that, with humor, celebrate the adversarial nature of a disciplinary marriage.  With a dramatic "he said, then I said" style, we get a glimpse into marriages in which "the girls", try to outwit and trick their husbands to avoid punishment.  Of course, it never works and ends in tears when a husband, at the end of his patience, administers a punishment in anger.  The humorous style belies the serious message being delivered:  it's "us" against "them".I know I'm the "old fuddy-duddy granny" of bloggers.  I'm 2-3 times as old and have been married (at least) 2-3 times as long as many beginners.  We've only been doing ttwd for 2 1/2 years but we bring a lifetime of experience in our marriage.  We've been through the wars, have learned some hard lessons and can show the scars.I think Domestic Discipline is not the Holy Grail.  It's only the first step on this journey.  Next comes Domestic Self-Discipline.  When we take that step, we bring ourselves back from the edge of Disrespect or Dishonesty or Disobedience before he even knows we are there.  We choose to give our Respect, Honesty and Obedience voluntarily, with joy and love.  We avoid deliberate provocation and angry retaliation.  We feel a sense of fulfillment and peace in our submission and our obedience is a source of happiness.  This is never 100%, of course, and it requires self-discipline from both partners.  We come to this over a long period of self-examination, hard work and communication.  But the rewards are priceless!To us, the true goal is Domestic Harmony.  We both work toward this every day.  Over the years we become attuned to one another, aware of small discordant notes.  When this happens, we are willing to do what it takes to bring the harmony back to our marriage.  Sometimes that requires that we go back to a disciplinary approach, sometimes we need to renew our commitment to self-discipline, but what we crave is embodied in the definition of harmony:
harmonybalancesymmetrycongruityconsonancecoordinationcompatibilityaccordagreementpeacepeacefulnessamityamicabilityfriendshipfellowshipcooperationunderstandingconsensusunitysympathyrapportlike-mindednessunisonunionconcertonenesssynthesisconcord.
To my mind, this is the Holy Grail and it's well worth a life-long Quest!

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Meow,

Your post is right on! My husband is NOT the enemy and I don't try to hide things from him. He is also not perfect and he apologizes if he's messed up. We are very new to M/s and DD(just a few months), but he expects me to do what I'm supposed to do and I usually do.

Kitty

findingsara said...

Amen, Meow! As long as there is a him against me mentality, the marriage is never going to reach the level of harmony and peace that is possible. But to reach that, the ego has to be put aside on both sides, and the investment in the "we" take precedence.

Personally I think of the d in Dd as mostly being about living a disciplined life. Grant and I have learned that it takes us both committing to doing the very best we can by each other and for each other to make our marriage as good as it can be. We are sure not perfect, but we keep trying. So yes, it is about self discipline, and mostly about commitment to discipline. The other meaning of discipline is "behavior in accord with rules of conduct". We live our marriage with order in order to have as much harmony as possible.

I feel the same way when I read about the games people play in the name of Dd. Thanks for writing about this! Sara

His First Mate said...

Beautiful post meow! And "fuddy duddy granny you are not! wise sweet ol granny maybe :)

Anonymous said...

Meow,

You are so right on the money. I have read so much about husbands being so frustrated with their wives' behavior that they spank in anger. That is not a good setup for improving a relationship. I believe it just leads to anger, resentment, and, in the long run, fear.

It is so important for couples practicing Dd to realize it is an early small stepping stone to domestic harmony.

Thanks for taking the time to write this most excellent and timely post.

Sky

baby girl said...

I love your post!

I think the Holy Grail should be what the two people involved says it should be.

Our partners aren't all the exact same make and model -- why should the manual be the same for them all?

--baby girl

Meow said...

Thanks for your comments!

Kitty, You seem to be working toward the relationship you want!

Sara, I agree. When both partners work toward that "we" feeling, it's a big step on the path to harmony.

First Mate, Thanks, I think! (grin)

Sky, Anger and frustration can build walls that are hard to break down.

baby girl, We all start at different points and work toward different goals. I speak for myself and Lash.
But I sometimes wish there was a manual. (grin)

Meow

Katherine said...

Right on the money, Meow!

"When we take that step, we bring ourselves back from the edge of Disrespect or Dishonesty or Disobedience before he even knows we are there."

I still have a long way to go on this Dd journey, but when I read this, I realized that I am doing this more and more. When I catch myself and bring myself back from the edge, I know I'm making progress.

Thanks so much for putting it so well. The maturity level in marriage that you speak of is something we all should aspire to, IMHO.

Katherine

K's sweetie said...

I love the term "domestic harmony"...you are exactly right! Thanks for the great advice.

Meow said...

Katherine and K's sweetie, Thanks for the encouragement. We still go back and forth between these levels of "maturity" but it's a road map for us and we have a destination in mind! Meow

Daisychain said...

Lovely post, Meow! xxx

Ally said...

oh Meow, I love this post!
BTW, I don't think of you as the fuddy duddy granny, not at all

Meow said...

Thanks, Daisy!

Ally, So many very young couples are starting DD and in a way I envy them - having this tool for their marriage when they are just beginning. I also know how hard it is to juggle all the difficult stuff in your 20s & 30s - jobs, kids, pms, childhood issues, parents, privacy. I try to show a viewpoint from the other end of life. Not that we're at the End (grin)!

His First Mate said...

Meow, definitely was a compliment. Your blog is one of my favorites and i was so glad to see you return to blogging!

Candy said...

Meow,

I really enjoy your blog and loved this post! I understand the me against him mentality.... I think it's something people go through when they are figuring all of this out. I mean, it's one thing to want the man to take charge, but it's another figuring out how to live with it! So we go through the steps of avoidance, and trying to wrap our brains around it, and eventually settle into it. It all changes doesn't it once you start working with him rather than against him?! :D Harmony!

Meow said...

Thanks Candy, You're right on the mark! Meow

Elysia said...

My husband loves to tease and bait me at times, and I love to playfully stir him up. We both know when it's a game and a tease. This is far different than practicing Dd as if it were only a game. I suppose that some like it that way, but we are *real* in our interactions except for those few rare times. Our marriage is important to us, and we don't make light of each others feelings.
I so enjoyed reading this post. We also relish Domestic Honesty and that was the perfect way to say it. Elysia

Stormy said...

Your wisdom certainly shows, and is a benefit to all of us. And since you address my blog, I will respond in kind. I use writing to help me work through some of my emotional growing pains, and I use humor to try to pull myself along and normalize the daily ins and outs of our fledgling journey. The holy Grail is indeed domestic harmony. I'm happy when we achieve that along the way. I definitely don't think of my husband as the enemy, and I share my values about meeting his needs, loyalty, intimacy, vulnerability, compassion, perseverance, selflessness. But it IS a journey and I'm honest about my baby steps.

Stormy

Meow said...

Stormy, Thanks for your comment and I must say that I often find myself at the baby step stage, too. I sure haven't achieved my goal but keep working toward it as we all do. I think all kinds of writing make this little community a better place and you have such talent. I guess I sometimes tend to see the pain underneath the humor and wonder if everything is really OK. (I see this on several blogs, not just yours.) There is so much that we can never know when we just read an occasional post. Lives are complicated and so is ttwd. Living it and writing about it in your own way is what counts!
Meow

Stormy said...

Meow, thank you. You are very astute- sometimes there is pain underneath, it's not always an easy road..and sometimes I feel overwhelmed. I grow frustrated with my baby steps and wish for perfection. It's a silly wish but still I wish for it. I have to remind myself to look back and see the growth, and take pride in it.

Anonymous said...

Domestic Harmony...yes, exactly what we're on the quest for as well! The Holy Grail. I like that. :)