All my life I've been encouraged or forced to be independent and strong. I could handle anything that came up. I faced things myself and didn't ask for help unless the situation was dire. Since Lash has been home this week, we've been spending more time together and it's the little things that are taking their toll on my tower of strength. He drives me places - I'm used to driving. He handles appointments and phone calls - I'm used to doing that. He makes decisions about what we do and when we do it - you guessed it, I'm used to being in charge. I've been getting daily maintenance spankings and getting in touch with feelings like guilt, worry, fear, resentment and weakness. Actually, I'm liking it!
It came to a head for me yesterday when we were dealing with our cell phone carrier. We were in their office and I was set to do battle, but Lash was there. I decided to wait in the car and let him handle it and he did - brilliantly, I might add! LASH: 1 AT&T: 0! Afterward we went to get a bite to eat and I got all teary-eyed in the restaurant. I felt weak. I felt like I was letting someone down by not taking care of the problem myself. I felt like a failure because I was being all feminine and emotional. I didn't know how to make the transition between competent, in-charge woman and submissive, let-him-be-in-charge wife. I FELT WEAK!
Today we had a chance to talk about it and several things came out:
1. He gets a major surge of masculine energy when I am able to show weakness and tears.
2. I don't have to be strong all the time.
3. Weakness isn't bad - we all have times of strength and times of weakness.
4. The areas I see as weakness are just aspects of myself that have never been allowed to develop.
5. I can develop my more emotional, more feminine side without losing my ability to "handle" things when I need to.
6. I like it when he takes care of me.
7. I need to give myself time to learn how to make the transition smoothly.
DD has brought about the chance to work on things that have been "problem" areas in my life. It has given us a framework to communicate, explore and deal with emotional issues. It is working for us in ways I never imagined when we started only 5 months ago. It's working - what a surprise!
6 comments:
I like your revelations you listed; a LOT! Good for you two.
"DD has brought about the chance to work on things that have been "problem" areas in my life. It has given us a framework to communicate, explore and deal with emotional issues."
That is such a telling statement. Yes, that is what DD can facilitate if you let it. I am also really ambivalent at times about letting go of my power, allowing myself to be more 'feminine' too. I think we were (I was) raised with ideals that said all that was bad stuff, and to be denied and resisted. But my husband likes seeing that in me, and feels empowered in his masculinity when I can be less take charge and allow myself to need him. He loves taking care of me and us...but it's hard and can trigger guilt, continues to be an inner struggle for me at times.
Thanks Amber, They did feel like revelations!
Sara, It's so nice to know that others struggle with this issue, too. Letting go of the desire to be strong, to be in charge, to be the caretaker is very hard for me, but I know this is the time that I have to start doing it! And knowing that it makes Lash feel good is a big incentive!
Meow
Meow: How appropriate that you're bringing out Lash's masculine energy. This lifestyle seems to be doing great things for both of you.
Good luck.
This was a lovely post to read about Meow, thank you so much for sharing.
I absolutely understand where you are coming from, and I think the transition is harder for those of us who have been as you mentioned in the post incredibly independant from a young age!
I love the positive list you came up with together, and am pretty sure I will be revisiting what you have said in this post from time to time also as encouragement...
I really do enjoy seeing how you both are progressing within DD, and knowing that others face these kinds of issues too!
(hugs)
Mrs M
Florida Dom, The boost to Lash's masculine energy has been one of those hoped for but unexpectedly strong side effects of DD. We're both enjoying it!
Mrs M, Thanks for the words of encouragement and I'm glad you found the list helpful. It seems that so many of us face these issues!
Meow
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