When I read what Sara and Grant wrote on "Finding Sara" (Tuesday), something really hit me! I've re-phrased the questions they asked at the end so they aren't gender specific. (I hope this is OK, Sara.)1. Do you feel valued, respected, loved and cherished?
2. Is your life enhanced?
3. Are you becoming more self confident over time?
4. Is your self-respect increasing?
5. Are you growing as a person and a partner?
6, Can you say NO and be heard if you need to?
"If the answer to all those things is not YES, then the relationship at best is flawed and at worst is abusive."
Sara was writing about the abuse of the woman in the relationship, but what I realized - what hit me right between the eyes - was that for many years it was not one of my goals to help Lash answer YES to those questions. Did I show him that I valued, respected and cherished him? Did my behavior enhance his life? Did I help him become more self-confident and build his self-respect? Was I dedicated to his growth as a person and as my husband? Could he say NO to me and be heard? Hmmmm, I don't think so.
I don't like to look at some of my actions and attitudes in the 37 years of our marriage. The early years are a blur - work, moving, kids, family, etc. Did I ever think of these questions? Maybe vaguely or intermittently. The middle years were when it was easier to look at those "inner" issues, to discuss feelings and "growth", but I focused mostly on my own growth, my own feelings. The last few years have been dedicated to establishing ourselves in a new town, with new friends, frequent job changes, grown children, aging parents. He had his set of problems and I had mine and we didn't want to rock the boat by looking too deeply at the stagnant state of our marriage.
So, were we abusive to each other? Sometimes - emotionally. Was our marriage flawed? Often - as often as most marriages are flawed by the onslaught of everyday dramas and traumas. Does DD give us a framework to heal the effects of abuse and lessen the frequency of those flaws? Thank God, Yes!!
I've seen people write that DD saved their marriage. I can't say that, but I can say that it has made stale vows fresh after 37 years and stagnant emotions vibrant again. It's like spice on a bland meal, rain after a long dry spell and forgiveness after an argument. For us it is a Blessing!
9 comments:
Meow, OF COURSE it's OK!!! One of the really nice things about blogging (for me) is the dialogue that develops between blogs as ideas bounce around between us. You are right on target with this. I didn't address it because my focus was respect towards submissives, but me too...I was not very focused or even aware of how I treated Grant in the past. So many mistakes...so many things I just didn't get at the time! DD has helped us both learn to be better people and partners.
Meow, I would say you must be doing something right to have made it 37 years. Not many can claim those many anniversaries these days. The DD may just be the spice in the cake recipe ;-)
Hugs,
kitten
Meow,
This is a really great perspective. Often we do speak to these points but always from the viewpoint of submissive partners and their responsibilities. Almost as if the dominant partner is not experiencing this relationship at the same time.
DD hopefully helps reveal our hearts and allows for inner acceptance and change. Dominant partners can command submission, obedience -- but not love and respect. We are accountable for extending that grace to them.
CD
I LOVE this post!!!! It addresses one of the concerns Dante has had for years and I've only recently began to appreciate... that everyone has to respect and discipline themselves in their own life before expecting anyone else to do it!
Throws a big curve in many people's views of D/s to be sure, but it is much more real and practical and beneficial when approached this way!
Love you for this!
Thankyou to sara and meow to bring these questions to Bears and my attention, they are very thort provoking, I can say yes to all of them even though that we are in the first stages of our relationship and DD relationship, and im hoping that my actions will allow Bear to say yes to.
It helps you to be less selfish in the relationship, and remember that there is 2 in there not just yourself.
Thankyou again a very good post,
hugs
Bear and Penfold xx
Really good points about the husband's side of things; there is so much bitching by women about *our* side and *our* feelings and how we're ignored or whatever but what about our mens' feelings? They are just as important as ours. And yet, so many women just discount them out of hand. Whether because most men don't talk about it as much or we've been taught we have the "right" to complain because we're women, I don't know.
But it certainly goes both ways. Good points, Meow!
This is such a wonderful post (I know, I sound redundant!) This is something I too struggle with...I often forget to look and ask these questions of how it is for Zed. Does he feel valued? Respected? self confident? He says "yes", many times....but when I think about myself and my own behaviors sometimes, I wonder how....
g.
Ditto to all! While DD didn't "save" my marriage it certainly kept us from concentrating on our own paths which crossed only when it was convenient. It has certainly made me more aware of how my behavior affects K and want to change it accordingly.
~N
Thank you for the thought provoking comments!
Sara, My focus was on me, me, me for most of my life. What I could spare, went to the kids. But now its on us, us, US!
kitten, I do love spice cake!!
CD, It's good to remember that there are two of us in this together.
Tiggs, It seems more real and practical to me when I keep it in the front of my mind all the time and not just as an afterthought. Hugs!
Thanks,Penfold! Btw, I was driving today and saw the name Penfold on a sign and thought of you. Hope all is well!
Amber, Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, I guess! And it does make me feel saucy!
ginger, I know about that self-doubt that creeps in even when Lash says I've changed. I still think of the "old days" sometimes.
~N, I can relate to the "marriage of convenience" and taking my own way when it wasn't convenient.
Love & peace to all, Meow
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