I read a post on another blog about depression and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. The experience of the blogger was what a lot of people would equate with serious clinical depression and included suicidal thoughts, sadness, tears, inability to function and desperation. One comment talked about the side effects of antidepressants, sometimes taking away the highs as well as the lows and removing some of what makes us…. US.
I commented that my experience of depression was just the opposite of this. I was unable to function a good part of the time (as she was), but I was numb, without much feeling at all, going through the motions of life with no highs or lows, unable to care deeply about anything - and this went on for years! I couldn’t understand how other people had energy, how they got so much done and, above all, how they could care so deeply about everything. I was truly perplexed and annoyed that a friend was so grief-stricken when her parents died.
For me, antidepressants gave me back my life and my relationships and my feelings. It was truly a great blessing to me that I could grieve and cry when my father died. I had been afraid that even death couldn’t make me feel human. I had faked being a wife and mother for such a long time - I had faked being human when I felt like a lump of nothing. I actually thought of myself sometimes as the “living dead”. Suicide would have been redundant - it never entered my mind. The meds finally made me feel something... anything… everything! I began to feel love again, not just duty to my family. I felt loss when my kids left home. I felt joy when they succeeded. I actually missed people when they were gone! I felt compassion for friends in trouble.
After a couple of years I went off the pills and things stayed good for me. I’ve never gone back to the depths of apathy that had claimed me for so long. But as the years go by, I still struggle to find a balance. There are lots of times that I feel that I’m on the edge of that abyss and I have to pull myself back. A second try at antidepressants a couple of years ago didn’t work - I started to have suicidal thoughts which scared the shit out of me! I quit the meds and have been working on myself in other ways. I try to keep healthy, keep my energy balanced, exercise, be with the people I love and with friends. I keep busy in the community and try to do things that are creative in some way.
Now to the point of this post, finally! I think that DD has helped me stay real in this struggle. I have to deal with people and events in my life honestly. I am accountable to Lash for taking care of myself. We talk about everything including my bouts of apathy. And… and spanking leads us into areas of intense sensation, intense emotion and intense intimacy. It takes me to feelings that I didn’t know I had. When I cry afterward it is not about the pain - it’s about that unknown depth of experience that I long for. I crave the ability to let go of my peaceful facade and plunge into what seems like madness - that desire to be out of control in every way! With Lash’s help we are exploring this path, tentatively and cautiously at first because, to me, it is like hiking on the edge of a steep drop-off. At least I feel that I’m on the right path, at last. And I'm not alone.
