Spanking and Role-Playing

     You either "get it" or you don't when it comes to kink.  I can appreciate, admire or envy what others do or I can sit here, reading blogs, and be perplexed, confused and turned off.  I don't say disgusted or repelled, because #1) I believe that adult consensual play is very different from abuse or exploitation, which would disgust me, and #2) there are places I just don't go, things I have no interest in reading.  Non-consent and non-adult fall into a very different category, of course, and I'm not addressing that.  
     Role-playing is one area that seems to be fun or exciting for a lot of people.  I just don't "get" it.  There is no little thrill inside when I think of dressing up or acting.  I have no desire to pretend to be someone I'm not in order to get a spanking.  I'm kind of "color blind" in this area.  It just seems gray and unappealing to me.  That may be why age-play in all it's forms - child/parent, student/teacher, etc. - is mystifying to me.
     A lot of role-playing seems to be a re-playing of times in our lives when we had no power or control over events.  I really don't want to go there.  I hated being subject to the whims of adults when I was a child and I hated being seen as "less than" by authority figures because I was an adult female.  Probably it's because I hated being powerless in the past that I need to work out the dynamics of powerlessness now.
     Now, many vanilla outsider would see me being spanked by my husband as role-playing or age-play (or disgusting).  Some people involved with ttwd might see it that way.  Heck, I have sometimes had trouble defining it to my own satisfaction.  Maybe that's what I'm trying to do here.  
     To me, spanking is an adult activity that allows me to voluntarily give up control and power to another person, not because it is easy or fun for me but because it is the hardest thing I do.  It can't be temporary, as in a "scene".  It can't be on and off whenever I feel like it.  It has to be real and mutually beneficial and done with the one person I trust to use that power wisely.  It touches something deep inside that I thought I would never explore.  It is emotional and also spiritual, in that I believe that I grow spiritually when I visit those dark, frightening, secret places and open them to the light.
     It has nothing to do with past abuse - there was none.  It has everything to do with my own way of dealing with the world.  I have been passive, avoiding conflict, holding my thoughts and feelings to myself, staying away from power exchange situations, nursing my fears inside and above all, not trusting anyone - even Lash - to see those fears.  Entering into a DD relationship of my own free will meant changing basic life-long habits and traits.  Spanking is one of the means to this end, but the major factor is my willing submission and obedience, placing enough trust in another person to give him these gifts and risk their rejection. 
     I read the blogs of many women who concentrate on the dominance of their partner as the Holy Grail of DD.  And that is a personal situation that I can't judge.  For me it is my voluntary submission that is the biggest hurdle I face.  Even when Lash is working in a distant state, I can work on my submission because that battle is inside me, always with me.  I love feeling his dominance but he doesn't force me into submission, I have to reach deep and find it within.
     This is a long way from my comparison with role-playing.  I think it would be fun... sometime. I think, if I didn't have Lash to work on this with me, I might consider it as a way of getting inside to deal with these issues - but it seems like a heavy weight to put on some random top!  Anyway, to those who do it - Have Fun!  Thanks to all those who read this far in a long and rambling post.  Hugs to all!