A Man's Perspective

Lash is starting to write some posts about his experiences as a man in a DD marriage.  I'll be putting up links on our page: A Man's Perspective.  They will also be at the top of my sidebar.  Here is the first.

In the Beginning......

It Takes a Village

     I've read some comments about how nice it is to exchange ideas here in cyberspace with like-minded folks - especially when we can't talk about it to anyone in real life.  That's one of the things that brought me back to blogging.  I seem to remember, back on the old SSS or ASS newsgroups that they had an imaginary village where people had imaginary houses and businesses, all spanko related, of course!
     Wouldn't it be nice if there was an isolated village where we could each have a vacation cottage?  We could meet and visit and no one would think twice if some one gave "the look" or pulled out a paddle or if you heard smacking sounds from every window.  Some people do go to spanking get-togethers, but it's not like having your own little private town of spankos.  Well, I can dream!
     Back to reality!  Right now, I can't imagine going public with family or friends.  I can't even imagine going public at a spanking gathering.  I can only come here to say what's on my mind - to share what it's like to be a spanked wife and happy about it.  I don't have to put up with raised eyebrows, horrified frowns or sympathetic advice to "get help".  I usually feel more "normal" here than I do in the "normal" world because I don't have to hide certain parts of myself.  This area of our life is becoming increasingly important to us.  I really didn't realize how much it helps to share it until I was away from it for a year.  Thanks for being here when I came back and for not forgetting us!

Random Thoughts on Spanking

  
     I really like this morning's post by His First Mate about mixing spanking and sex.  I love the way she describes the intimacy that is created by spanking.  I also understand (not necessarily agree with) the advice that she cited about not mixing punishment and sex.  I have read comments by women new to DD to the effect that their partners seemed to spank them only when they wanted sex and didn't seem to get the idea of discipline being a separate situation.   I think it is good, if you want a DD relationship, to at least understand the difference - and that distinction can be difficult for a man who is new to DD and stimulated by spanking his wife.  We all come to practice our own flavor of TTWD eventually, but I think that some guidance (from a variety of sources) can be helpful.
     I was also thinking about Sara's post on dominant and domineering.  It made me consider the difference between voluntary, active submission and obedience and being made to submit and obey.  At one point, I half-jokingly asked Lash whether he would like me to resist a little when he spanked me - if subduing me would bring out his dominance.  His response was that he wanted my voluntary obedience, that he loved to see me submit to a spanking without fuss or hesitation, to accept whatever he decided.  We don't want any part of a "forced" submission.  Just as my love for Lash is a choice I make, even when the "in love" feeling rises and falls - so is the choice I make to be obedient, even when I don't feel like it.  To be coerced by words or physical actions into submitting would break the trust between us and destroy all that we have built.
     L (@ Trying to do this thing we do), a new blogger just this month,  wrote in her post today that her backside was "humming slightly" from a recent spanking.  I absolutely love that idea!  Before, I've thought of it as stinging, burning, itching, aching or other words that imply pain, but my bottom really is happily humming a little satisfied tune as I recall this morning's spanking.  Hmmm! Hmmm! Hmmm!

PS:  Do you know that Spellcheck recognizes Hmmm as a word but not Hmmmm?  Funny old Spellcheck!

Blogs & Posts & Comments! Oh my!

Like Dorothy, I've been wandering through the Land of (spanko)OZ with a sense of wonder and amazement at the strange, colorful, engrossing and  informative assortment of blogs.  After being away from my blog for over a year, I needed to edit my blogroll and delve into the new writers who had joined the community.  It's made me think about what I really like to read and what I'd rather not spend my time on.  
I like to read posts and comments by:
     1.  People who have some experience with a DD partnership, who are thoughtful about their relationship, always striving to learn and grow, keeping in mind what's important to them as a couple.
     2.  Newcomers, who are trying out different approaches, feeling their way along this journey, not always getting it "right" but sincerely trying to deepen their knowledge and experience. 
     3.  People who are struggling - within themselves, with a partner who is just not "getting it", with loneliness, sadness, hectic lives, irritating relatives, children, illness, jobs and all the real life difficulties.
     4.  People who share their playful spanking adventures, go to spanko gatherings, write fun and erotic fiction, make me laugh, ask interesting questions and keep it light.
     5.  People who just pop in to comment but always say something helpful or positive.
     6.  People who live a different form of TTWD, who delve into areas where I can't (or won't) go, who dare to live their dreams and desires.
     7.  People who share the joys and sorrows of their everyday lives so that we can know each other better.


And what I don't like?
     1.  Blogs that describe what seems like abuse.
     2.  Blogs that are all drama and no insight.
     3.  One-size-fits-all comments like:  "I'd like to spank your ass."  No kidding?
     4.  Blogs that "ick" me out.  I have a pretty high tolerance, but I do draw the line.
     5.  Blogs written in hard-to-read fonts.  My age is showing!  

I'd love to hear what other readers like, dislike and want to read about.

A Tale of Two Spankings

I got my spanking this morning but it didn't come about exactly as I had hoped.  Lash started the morning with a comment that I took as blame and criticism.  I felt irritated and defensive and argued this issue in my mind while we went for our morning walk.  I asked him to clarify and he said that he had not meant it that way.  I believed him but still had several sarcastic comments spinning around in my head.
  
OK, some lessons I've learned over the years:
     1.  Everything in my head doesn't have to come
          out of my mouth!
     2.  Our marriage is more important than being
          "right".
     3.  In some rare cases, Lash may be "right".
     4.  Holding on to resentment is just my ego acting
          up.
     5.  Letting go of resentment makes me feel so
          much better!


To continue:  I worked on letting go when we got home, I showered and went to wait for Lash in bed.  We cuddled, he spanked long and hard, I cried, we cuddled again and....... something wasn't right.  I knew that I was holding back part of myself.  I also knew that it would bother me all day if I didn't say something.  So I told him about it - told him that I wasn't back to being the wife he deserved, the person I deserve to be.


So, he spanked again - in a position I hate - hard spanks that hit very tender areas.  He showed me that he won't tolerate having a fraction of my submission or a portion of my obedience.  I have promised them to him and he has a right to a wife who doesn't give them grudgingly.  I also have a right to that heavenly feeling when there is nothing standing between us, no walls in my heart.


It wasn't a punishment spanking.  It was given and received in the spirit of love, in order to insure that something as small as a misunderstanding will never come between us again.  I'm sitting on a very sore bottom but I feel lighter, clearer, happier.  I know that this works for us.

Pouting

     I'm not really too unhappy, but have been feeling the lack of spanking for a few days.
     I had a colonoscopy yesterday which, of course, involves viewing of my bottom by at least a couple of relative strangers.  Therefore, no spanking on Tuesday or Wednesday so as to leave said bottom free of marks and redness.  Lash had to go out of town today, so no spanking this morning.  We've also had workers in the house this week so I'm not even sure about tomorrow unless we get an early start to the day.  So today, I'm an unhappy Meow as far as spanking goes.  I'll let you know about tomorrow. 
     PS:  I know, I know!  Poor me, who gets a good spanking nearly every day.  I shouldn't complain, right?  But it's my blog and I'll pout if I want to.  (Thanks to Leslie Gore's "Its My Party" for the inspiration!  A blast from my past.)

Passive vs. Submissive

     The idea for this post came to me while reading profiles of some bloggers in DD marriages or trying to start DD relationships.  Some of them described themselves as sassy or feisty or hard to handle or similar phrases.  I wondered how hard it was to define yourself that way and then try to be submissive and obedient to a dominant partner as many of them say they hope to become.  It seemed to me that it meant changing your entire self-image.  So I started to think about it.     I spent most of my life in passive mode:  compliant, unassertive, detached, malleable, uninvolved.  Part of that has to do with my personality.  I'm very introverted, tend to be an observer rather than a participant, prefer to follow rather than lead and hate to make decisions.  Passivity also made it easier to get along growing up in my family, church, school and the society of the 1950s.     Since submissive and obedient fall under one of the definitions of passive, they should have been easy for me, right?  Guess again!  I came to learn that my outward passivity covered up inward rebellion.  I went along with what authority taught but believed what I wanted to believe and just kept it inside.  Of course it came out in a million passive-aggressive behaviors from sarcasm to forgetting to "accidents".       Since Lash and I started using our form of DD, with expectations of some degree of submission and obedience on my part, I've had to come to terms with that inward rebellion. I could have complied outwardly, acting the part of a good wife and rebelling inwardly.  Or I could really, truly change the way I thought of myself and my relationship with authority in the form of my husband.     It has been a long journey to put that inner rebel in her proper place.  She still lives inside and I think of her as a friend who keeps me from acting out in destructive ways.  I retain the right to think my own thoughts and believe what I believe without necessarily expressing them when it could hurt a friend or family member.  I also do not let her come between me and my husband.  Inside of me also lives that good wife who actually wants to please, wants to obey, wants to submit.  I can treat my husband with respect, honor, honesty, obedience and love and I can do those things actively, not passively!  I can work at keeping the rebel and the good wife both alive and healthy inside.  They aren't enemies, but coexist peacefully.  I need them both.       I believe that we don't have to give up being who we are when we enter a DD relationship.  We grow, we stretch the limits of who we are.  We learn new behaviors, thoughts and emotions and become less controlled by our former self-image.  We gain freedom by submitting and gain independence by obeying simply because we choose to do both.
     

Can't Help Lovin' that Woman of Mine

I was so overwhelmed by Meow's blog Thursday that I cried for a long time, and certainly couldn't blog then. It brought up so many years of hidden guilt and remorse, always feeling that I hadn't made the best decisions for my wife and children.

I've read Mick's and Stormy's blogs and comments. I identified so much with Mick's blog.

I have always felt that my profession was my "calling", what God intended me to do. After 4 years of post-doctoral training my profession was far more than just a job. I was torn between profession, wife, children and home for 38 years. So many hours with my peers whose goals were the McMansions, boats, planes, world travel, etc. augmented some of my own desires for these things. I usually did have the honesty to know that it wasn't all "just for my family". I knew I had my own demons about wanting those things too. It was always Meow's loving input about values that helped me make the good decisions that I did. Maybe there were times when Meow wasn't understanding about work, but she was always there with absolute support helping me make those very scary leaps of faith. I always knew that our marriage and family were far more important to her than money.

These past few months of retirement have been such a blessing. I cannot imagine ever again giving up our daily love and intimacy for money. Meow, you are really stuck with me now!  Love,  Lash

Can't Help Lovin' that Man of Mine

     Stormy wrote a beautiful post here and it really made me think about Lash's job and our ups and downs.  When we were first married, I was lonely a lot when he worked late, but I also worked odd hours and we got used to our evenings and nights alone.
     When it was time to settle down in his career, he chose a job that paid less but offered shorter work hours and more vacation.  Our kids were young then and he was able to spend more time with his family.
     Gradually, decisions were made at work that meant longer work hours for him and less time with family.  It was hard on him in many ways and the stress took its toll on all of us.
     Finally, about 10-12 years before retirement, he decided to chuck that job and begin free-lance consulting so that he could work about half-time.  It had some drawbacks but it made sense for us and allowed us to spend more time together and with our kids and parents.
     Today I thanked Lash for making those decisions to put family first.  It wasn't easy to go against the tide of  work-addiction and money-hunger that drove so many of those around him.  We were very comfortable financially, but we didn't have the McMansions, boats, planes, world travel, private schools, etc. that many of his peers felt were necessary.  We were satisfied without them.
     And here I need to put in a good word for myself.  Some of the pressure to perform and earn came from spouses who never seemed to have enough.  I refused to have anything to do with them and tried to let Lash know that I didn't want more "stuff" but more of his time.  I encouraged him to quit that poisonous job situation and work for himself.  I encouraged him to retire when consulting became too stressful.  These were scary leaps of faith.  We still don't know if retirement will work for us financially, but we're willing to walk into an unknown future as long as we can do it together.
     I'm certainly not saying that I didn't complain, cry, pout and make his life miserable at times because of my objections to his work.  I tried to be supportive, but fell short so many times.  Looking back, I can see how impossible his situation was and how well he coped with pressure from all directions.
     Thank you, Lash, for providing for your family in every way possible!  I love you!!

Yin and Yang

When I recently returned to blogging, I re-read some of my older posts and found things that I had written and totally forgotten.  One of them was our experiment with using a strap and tawse when Lash had hand surgery.  At that time, I was asking to be "pushed" toward crying and was having a hard time relaxing and letting go.  I was tense and afraid of the pain.

     Recently, after a 4 month hiatus, we started spanking again and I'm suddenly finding myself able to tolerate and even welcome the pain - and to cry much more easily.  Lash spanks hard (with his hand) and it hurts, but somehow it doesn't make me tense.  I am much more open and receptive to the spanking. 

     Lash has been training in a field of body/energy healing and is very aware of energy  movement and blockages in my body.  He tells me that when I am tense during a spanking, he feels as though I'm obstructing a flow of energy.  When I begin to cry hard, it breaks down that block and he feels the energy flowing from him, through me, freely.  And for my part, I feel a huge release of tension when Lash spanks me through the tears.

     For us, one of the main reasons we like spanking, and spanking frequently, is that it releases this masculine/feminine energy and makes us feel like two halves of one whole - Yin and Yang.  It centers us, grounds us and gives us both strength and peace.  

     Of course, we still have playful spankings and punishment spankings and spankings where one or the other of us just can't relax, but when the Yin/Yang works it is a joyous experience!