Meow Learns about Life

Holding Hands

2011-09-27T20:00:00.000-06:00

Yes, this really is us! We were on our way back from walking in our neighborhood when I snapped this with my phone. When Lash and I walk we always hold hands and he gently guides me where he wants to go. Sometimes I stop to look at something or to catch my breath on a hill and he stops with me, but he always takes my hand again and shepherds me safely back home.
My mom says that you could always tell 2nd marriages among their retired friends because they held hands. Maybe, since starting DD, we're in the 2nd phase of our marriage! Whatever the reason, I like being led by my Husband.... on a walk and in life.

Feeding our Marriage

2011-09-23T11:31:00.000-06:00

This morning, I got my first spanking in about 2 weeks. Lash hadn't wanted to pass on his cold before my sleep study and he really felt pretty ill, too. So today we got back to our normal routine.
I couldn't help thinking that our marriage is like a living thing. A plant needs nourishment, moisture, sunlight and room to grow. So does our marriage. We feed it with Love and Respect. We give it room to grow when we are Honest and Trusting and Trustworthy. We let in light when we show Kindness, Sympathy and Strength. I look at DD as the water for our living marriage. Some need a little, some a lot. Some can go for long periods without it and then can be rescued just before they wilt. Some wither and die when they can't get what they need. Each couple has to find the mix of rules, dominance, connection, spanking, obedience, punishment and submission that will help their relationship thrive.
We survived our little drought because we had a healthy living marriage to work with. It grows better when we take care of it diligently every day and I hope we can keep nurturing it in the way we both love best - daily spankings, subtle signs of his dominance and my consistent obedience to the few rules we have. The reward is a healthy, blooming thing of beauty.
PS: My sleep study is over and I should get my results in about 3 weeks.
PPS: We're going to visit our moms in the midwest next week and will be on the internet only sporadically depending on how things go.

Taking a Break from DD?

2011-09-16T08:44:00.002-06:00

His First Mate wrote about taking a break from DD and I began to think about our current health-related "break" and wondered if others have a story to tell about this subject.

Have any of you deliberately taken a break from DD (or ttwd in any form)?

Have you been forced to stop for a while because of real life issues? Health? Privacy? Separation?

Have you ever decided DD wasn't for you but then chosen to try it again? Did it work better the second time?

Do you think your husband (HOH, Master, partner, wife, etc.) would agree to a break if you asked for one?

If you took a break was it harder or easier to start again?

Any thoughts?

Time to start shopping?

2011-09-14T09:39:00.000-06:00

After seeing the creative ad on Hermione's blog today,

I remembered this ad for shirts that will turn your man

into a daring, audacious, bold, passionate Spanko!

And all because he has pastel shirts to wear!

Anyone else up for a shopping trip?

Just one more story.....

2011-09-12T08:15:00.000-06:00

To our grandson, we are Oma and Opa although he's a little confused about which is which. On Saturday, our daughter called to say that he kept running to the computer and saying "Oma, Oma". She finally figured out that he wanted to see us on the computer. So, we Skyped and he seemed happy! He'll be Skyping and emailing as soon as he can reach the keyboard, I bet! My generation barely had TVs and learned to use computers as adults. He won't even have to "learn" - it will be 2nd nature to him.
I'm glad I live in the computer age and I appreciate it because I lived without it for so long. Being kinky and being isolated was hard and many of us have found our true selves through the online community. Without it I could never have "come out" to my husband or discovered a whole world of people who like ttwd. Hooray for the internet and instant access to it anywhere we go!

9/11

2011-09-11T06:57:00.001-06:00

Pray for Peace on Our Small Planet

Party Over!

2011-09-09T10:39:00.002-06:00

The Pity Party's over! Thanks for attending. Seriously, it did me a lot of good to read your comments and know that people really do care. In my vanilla life, I haven't talked to anyone but Lash about what's going on and it's too easy to get self-involved and depressed when I don't talk about things. Writing about it gets it out so that I can look at it objectively.

Spankings did me a lot of good when I was tense, nervous and anxious about everything. I had a couple of really good "weeps" and Lash doesn't let me get too far out of line with my rebellion against medical orders. I can get very stubborn when I want to resist something, but after a while I turn the stubbornness into determination and use it to stick to my diet, exercise and health plan. Sometimes I need a reality check from Lash to know when it's time to make that switch! Right now, one big drawback is that Lash feels like he's coming down with a cold and, since I can't do the sleep test if I can't breathe through my nose, he's avoiding me - no hugs, no spankings. He even is sleeping in the guest room for a few nights. I hope it turns out to be just allergies. I miss my man!!

We spent last weekend, all three days, with our daughters, son-in-law and grandson and it was so fun! Our grandson is 20 months old and can reach doorknobs but not turn them. He wanted us to open them for him and threw a fit when we said "no". But he's also discovered a new word - stuck. So now, every door that won't open is "stuck" and he's just fine with that. In fact, if a door is open he wants to make it "stuck". Not a temper tantrum all weekend since he learned this new concept! Language skills to the rescue! I feel like I'm coming "unstuck", so maybe a new word will help me get back to normal, too!

Vanilla Whining Post

2011-09-08T13:44:00.000-06:00

I have been battling health issues lately.

About 6 weeks ago I went to my doctor. There was one lab test that she wanted to check further and I did a test at home which measured my blood oxygen level while I slept. It was abnormal and I am scheduled for a full sleep study at the hospital in two weeks. This would all be understandable if I had typical sleep apnea which involves snoring and closure of the throat during sleep resulting in low oxygen. But.... Lash swears that I do not snore.
This puts the problem into a different category which is harder to diagnose and treat.
We won't get the results until 3 weeks after the test, so there is a lot of waiting which is hard on my patience. I am relapsing into my usual magical thinking about my health: "Oh, it will all just go away on its own!"
This time, I'm looking at something that may need to be treated for the rest of my life and not with just a pill or two. My doctor already put me on oxygen at night which involves a big machine at the bedside with several feet of tubing ending at my nose. Further treatment could involve an even more intrusive machine.
My mind keeps shouting, "But I'm too young, I'm always healthy! This isn't Me!! There has to be some mistake!!! Hey, maybe the second test will turn out to be normal." Didn't I say my thinking was in fantasy-land?
Lash has helped with hugs, a listening ear and spankings to relieve tension and help me get my head on straight. I just needed to vent here and explain why I've been absent lately. I spend most of my online time researching sleep apnea and, since I don't sleep well at night, I'm fatigued and unable to concentrate during the day. I can't get into any abstract writing about ttwd. One thing I am learning about myself is that my submissiveness does not include obeying my doctors without question. I am going down this path kicking and screaming and looking for ways to escape my fate - actually the opposite of how I approach a spanking! ;-)
I've been reading so many good things on your blogs! When I'm more myself, I'll start commenting again.

Catching Up!

2011-08-22T14:04:00.000-06:00

That's what I'm doing in this post and that's what we've been doing for the past two weeks.
1. Our Library sale made over $31,000 and that was a record! We had almost 100 new memberships which I need to process since I'm the membership chair.
2. Lash is getting more involved in his volunteer work and is loving it.
3. We're having our house painted which means almost daily discussions and decisions: color choices, where does the trim paint go, what does the painter need to have moved, opened, closed or not touched.
4. We went to visit daughter #1, SIL and grandson last weekend. Yippee!! We had loads of fun and helped our daughter with lots of cleaning which usually comes far down on her to-do list (after her husband, son and job). Her hubby has been studying for a test which will mean more pay and better jobs and he passed it on Saturday! We're so happy for them.
5. Daughter #2 is dissatisfied with her job. They've been on mandatory overtime for months and she's getting worn down with the 12 hour days and weekend work. We try to be supportive but we worry - that's what parents do, right?
6. Our moms are hanging in there. My mom ran out of savings and applied for some VA assistance which has taken months to come through but is now approved. Another Yippee!! It will allow her to stay in assisted living which is where she is safe and happy. We're keeping our fingers crossed for her cancer checkup in September. Lash's mom seems to be OK but is a little lost since her close friend moved away. She'll be 91 soon!
7. Hay fever has made us both miserable but I think the weed and grass allergen levels are getting lower (or so says AccuWeather).
8. I've been trying to stay on a strict diet and exercise plan so that my doctor won't start me on a bunch of medication. When I saw her today, I'd lost 7# (in three weeks) so another Yippee!! I have one more test to see if I'm getting enough oxygen at night. We live at 8000 feet so it's not uncommon to have this problem.
9. TTWD: It's been hard to find time with travel, allergies and an inconvenient paint crew hanging around outside the windows. My attitude has slipped but we've had a few chances to get back on track. Lash said I was "pissy" this morning about my doctor's appointment but I think I was just being "proactive"!
10. I'm trying to catch up on reading blogs but with over 13 million (or thereabouts) waiting in Google Reader I'm pretty far behind so I probably will just read and not comment. I've read some really good posts in the last 2 weeks and have to say that this community has the most insightful, sensitive and wise bloggers! Reading them has kept me from going crazy when I was fussing about all of the above! Now a few more good spankings and I'll be nearly normal!

So that's why.....

2011-08-10T13:41:00.000-06:00

.......I feel soooo cute right now!

Anyone else feeling "cute" today?

The Path of the Paddle

2011-08-05T12:33:00.001-06:00

I just have a couple of minutes but wanted to show you what I unpacked at the book sale this morning: this book and one called the Way of the Paddle. Look on Amazon and you will also see The Song of the Paddle and The Thrill of the Paddle. Too bad they're not about....... you know.

MIA & BIB

2011-08-04T14:03:00.000-06:00

I'll be MIA for a few days because I'll be BIB (Buried in Books). This weekend is the annual book sale for an organization where I serve on the Board. Every year we fill a Ballroom at the local event center with around 40,000 books that have been donated and sell them all weekend. At the end, we give away the leftovers and start all over for next year. Another 40,000 donations will come in during the year and our town only has a population of about 10,000 (year round). We raise over $30,000 annually for our local library. I'm proud of our little town and the talented hard-working people who live here.
So no blogging or commenting from me for a few days, but I'll try to read when I can. Have a great weekend everyone! And support you Local Library!

On a lighter note!

2011-08-02T13:44:00.002-06:00

This was started by K's Sweetie @ Surrender to Submission

What is your screen name?
Meow, it stands for My Ever-lovin' Obedient Wife"

How long have you been practicing TTWD?
2.5 years

What is your astrological sign?
Pisces

In what part of the country do you live?
Rocky Mountains

Do you have children?
Yes, 2 grown daughters

Do you have grandchildren?
1, he's 18 months old

What is your favorite color?
Purple

Morning or Evening?
Definitely Morning

Favorite Ice Cream?
Haagen Dazs Dulce de Leche

First person who welcomed you to blogging?
Daisy and Davey

Title of your first blog entry?
"Hi!"

What are you wearing on your feet right now?
Sandals

What are you listening to right now?
Typing on my laptop

Chocolate or Vanilla?
Is kinky a flavor?

Coffee or Tea?
Tea

Favorite non-alcoholic drink?
Water, am I boring or what?

Favorite alcoholic drink?
White wine

Favorite vacation spot?
We retired to our favorite spot, so right here

Favorite season?
autumn

Place you want to visit?
Where my grandson lives

If you had to start all over again, would you
still choose TTWD?
Absolutely!

Best piece of advice you can pass on about
TTWD?
One word for beginners: Patience!

Domestic Harmony

2011-07-31T10:21:00.001-06:00

Lash and I have been talking lately about terms used for ttwd. Although I don't like to get stuck on labels, I think that words have power and that naming something can shape our actions and color our feelings about it.

discipline1 train, drill, teach, coach;2 control, restrain, regulate, govern;3 punish, penalize, reprimand, rebuke, chastise;A Domestic Discipline relationship would seem, by definition, to include training, controlling and/or punishing. There is an implication that one of the partners requires teaching, regulating and chastising and that the other partner should be responsible for carrying this out. In some ways this polarizes the relationship.I've read several blogs lately that, with humor, celebrate the adversarial nature of a disciplinary marriage. With a dramatic "he said, then I said" style, we get a glimpse into marriages in which "the girls", try to outwit and trick their husbands to avoid punishment. Of course, it never works and ends in tears when a husband, at the end of his patience, administers a punishment in anger. The humorous style belies the serious message being delivered: it's "us" against "them".I know I'm the "old fuddy-duddy granny" of bloggers. I'm 2-3 times as old and have been married (at least) 2-3 times as long as many beginners. We've only been doing ttwd for 2 1/2 years but we bring a lifetime of experience in our marriage. We've been through the wars, have learned some hard lessons and can show the scars.I think Domestic Discipline is not the Holy Grail. It's only the first step on this journey. Next comes Domestic Self-Discipline. When we take that step, we bring ourselves back from the edge of Disrespect or Dishonesty or Disobedience before he even knows we are there. We choose to give our Respect, Honesty and Obedience voluntarily, with joy and love. We avoid deliberate provocation and angry retaliation. We feel a sense of fulfillment and peace in our submission and our obedience is a source of happiness. This is never 100%, of course, and it requires self-discipline from both partners. We come to this over a long period of self-examination, hard work and communication. But the rewards are priceless!To us, the true goal is Domestic Harmony. We both work toward this every day. Over the years we become attuned to one another, aware of small discordant notes. When this happens, we are willing to do what it takes to bring the harmony back to our marriage. Sometimes that requires that we go back to a disciplinary approach, sometimes we need to renew our commitment to self-discipline, but what we crave is embodied in the definition of harmony:
harmony1 balance, symmetry, congruity, consonance, coordination, compatibility2 accord, agreement, peace, peacefulness, amity, amicability, friendship, fellowship, cooperation, understanding, consensus, unity, sympathy, rapport, like-mindedness; unison, union, concert, oneness, synthesis; concord.
To my mind, this is the Holy Grail and it's well worth a life-long Quest!

Tears

2011-07-30T14:22:00.002-06:00

A comment to my last post: "You mention that you cry almost every time. Since, as you said, Lash rarely talks or scolds, and there are very few discipline spankings, what is it that makes you cry? I ask because I have yet to reach the place of emotional release during a spanking -- whether it involves tears or not. I think it has to do with my pride and something I'm still hanging onto, afraid to let go of. Do you have any suggestions for me? Katherine"
As long as we've had ttwd in our marriage, I've longed for emotional release, especially tears, during a spanking. We tried various methods in the past to get me to that point - longer, harder, different implements - but nothing worked. I could usually cry during a punishment, but that almost always came from my own remorse and shame and not from any severity on Lash's part. I could sometimes get misty-eyed and sniffly but it didn't provide any resolution to the emotions I carried inside. Spanking harder with a strap, just made me fearful, tense and resistant.
When we restarted our spankings in June, I was suddenly able to let go and cry and I encouraged Lash to spank me longer, while I sobbed. Somewhere in the 4 month hiatus after my surgery, I lost the fear, lost the tension and stopped resisting. One element of letting go of all that was my forced dependence on Lash during my recovery. I was very fearful of being completely immobile and helpless for so many weeks and I had to work through a lot of those feelings.
Some of it goes back over 60 years. When I was a baby, my father came down with a crippling illness that kept him in the hospital for months and in a wheelchair or crutches for years. It put an end to his ability to farm, so my mother, at barely 21, had a 3 month old baby, a husband on the verge of death and no income. Over the next few years, they regained some financial stability but I had three younger siblings, and never felt that I could be the one in the family who was dependent, helpless, babied. There was always a greater "need" than mine due to illness, stress, infancy or poverty.
I knew that Lash loved me for my maturity, independence and inner strength. I hesitated to show my needier side, but after surgery I had no choice. I learned that I could be loved for my needs, my vulnerability. I found something softer and less fearful inside. I could show the tears without feeling embarrassed or awkward. A part of me that I thought was unloveable became valued and cherished.
Lash posted about this on his blog and came up with a great analogy - deep, painful massage. I now welcome the hardest of spankings because it brings me to that point of releasing pride and stubbornness and crying freely. It happens to different degrees with each spanking, but I know it's waiting for me when I need it - and I'm no longer afraid to need it.

A spanking a day......

2011-07-28T10:05:00.001-06:00

   I've mentioned our daily spankings on this blog and a couple of people have asked about how it works for us. When we first started DD about 2 1/2 years ago, Lash was working and living out of town about half-time. It was hard to maintain any kind of routine, so we decided to do maintenance spankings every day whenever we were together. Some days we just didn't have the energy or interest. Still, daily spankings made us feel closer, more intimate - that was our goal.
   After a 4 month hiatus (I had surgery) and with Lash retired, we suddenly had the time, the interest and the energy to begin daily spankings again. We usually get up early, walk for 30-45 minutes, get cleaned up and then, as Lash says, he "takes care of his wife".
   Ever since our early days with DD, we've had the same spanking routine. We snuggle in bed, talk and get relaxed. It's my time to get into a submissive frame of mind. On the rare occasions when there is a punishment due, we talk about it and I nearly always cry before the spanking even begins. Usually we just talk about any little issues that might have come up for us.
   I lie over a pillow across one of Lash's legs while he sits up in bed. His other leg holds my legs in place and he reaches out with his left hand so that I can hold onto it. Lash spanks me with his right hand and never scolds or says much. He gives a good warm up that covers my thighs and bottom. As the spanks get harder, he concentrates on my sit spot so that I'll feel it for a while. Lately, I've been able to cry most of the time and he's learning to spank me while I cry which helps release tension and stress for both of us.
   Lash never spanks in anger, never spanks until after we've cuddled and talked and never leaves marks or bruises. After the spanking, we snuggle again and he soothes my tears and my stinging bottom. I usually feel very submissive and we often talk about our feelings and what we are discovering about ourselves and about each other. Sometimes we make love, sometimes we just snuggle and sometimes we get right up to start the day.
   For a long time, I thought that I wanted disciplinary spankings. The idea is still a hot one for me, but we've discovered that it's really the intimacy, the sense of unity and the expression of that dominant/submissive dynamic that drives our need for spanking. We don't really use it to modify my behavior or make me obey.
Our routine of "cuddle/talk, spank, cuddle/talk" is very intimate, very relaxing and yet, very energizing. It gives me a sense of serenity and fulfillment and, without it, the day just doesn't feel right.
I hope this has given some insight into how our version of DD works and why we both love it.

A spanking carved in stone

2011-07-27T15:54:00.001-06:00

Today we went to a museum with our daughter and one of the exhibits was gem carvings. And one of the gem carvings was a Russian sauna scene with a man using birch switches on a naked woman. Lash whispered a suggestive comment and I was weak-kneed for the rest of the morning. Sorry about the blurred image. I couldn't take a photo in front of my daughter and got this from the internet. His left arm has just birched her back and his right is raised to strike her buttocks. Spanking really is everywhere!

Subtlety

2011-07-26T11:53:00.000-06:00

subtle |ˈsətl| adjective

1. so delicate or precise as to be difficult to analyze or describe
Lately our experience of DD has been one of subtlety and nuance. We seldom raise our voices to each other or slam doors or stomp out of the house angry. Of course, we have done all these things in the past and may do them again, but for the present they have faded away. Lash does not chase me around the house with a raised paddle, trying to catch me to turn my bottom black and blue. That will probably never happen. We are not a volatile, out-spoken, short-fused couple so there will be little drama on this blog.
Our last few spankings have happened because of very subtle signals we have noticed inside ourselves. In one instance, I felt tiny pockets of resistance in my submission and asked for a second spanking to help me feel like the wife I wanted to be. Another time, I began to pull away slightly and needed to be reminded to lean on Lash when I am troubled.
Yesterday, we didn't have time for our usual walk and spanking routine in the morning. It wasn't a bad day. We didn't fight or even grow distant, but Lash felt a subtle change inside himself, something not-quite-right. So before we went to bed, he took me in his arms and told me that he needed to spank me. My response was: "I'm yours!"
It was a change for us. We seldom spank outside of our usual daily maintenance. He couldn't explain why he needed it - he didn't have to. He knew I would comply and I never considered refusing. His need was enough for me. My obedience was all he asked. So he spanked (and dang! that man loves my sit spot!) I went to bed with a bottom that not only hummed, but sang out loud all night. Of course, I got my usual morning spanking today. Owwwwie!
We've been toying with the idea of a little "warm up" of my bottom with the strap before bedtime. Lash likes me to sleep in the nude and we both like the idea of my having a tingle in my bottom - another subtle reminder to think of him all night. I'll let you know if this plan works out. If last night was any indication, it might. We both really liked it!

Drifting Away

2011-07-24T13:35:00.001-06:00

I've been drifting away on some inner sea of emotion for a few days. I've read blogs but haven't commented, thought about posting but couldn't write. I turned inward, away from Lash, away from life. A simple visit to my doctor set me adrift.
My blood pressure has been a little high for a while and I finally made an appointment to see my internist. While I was there I asked about stopping my hormones and possibly starting anti-depressants. A couple of years ago, I had problems when I stopped taking hormone replacements which I blogged about here and problems with depression posted here. A flood of memories and feelings has overwhelmed me since I started talking about this to Lash and my doctor. I keep remembering my mother's depression and suicide attempt while I was in college. Not wanting to feel the bad feelings that were coming up, I pulled away from Lash and the good feelings, too.
This morning, I was quiet and withdrawn when we walked. I really didn't want to be spanked which usually follows when we get home. Actually, I didn't want to be held in his arms, to talk quietly, to feel vulnerable and open - which precedes the spanking. Sure enough, the cuddling, the talking, the vulnerability brought on tears - but also relief to be able to share with Lash and ask for help. I needed Lash to be the one who pulled me back and let me know he wouldn't allow me to get lost. I asked him to be strong for me, to be firm and unmovable when I try to withdraw.
I know I can handle my current problems, physical and emotional, with help from Lash and my doctor. And I know that Lash will hold steady on the course we've chosen in our marriage. If I start to drift away, he'll be the firmly set anchor that keeps me safe.
Yes, I got the spanking I needed, one of the hardest Lash has ever given me. I cried long and hard but they were tears of relief as the thought kept repeating itself in my mind, "He won't let me drift away!" An old habit, an old way of reacting simply won't work for me because we have a way to deal with it and Lash will not allow it to happen. As for me, I'd much rather sit on a humming bottom all day than feel that distance between us for one minute.

A Man's Perspective

2011-07-21T17:05:00.000-06:00

Lash is starting to write some posts about his experiences as a man in a DD marriage. I'll be putting up links on our page: A Man's Perspective. They will also be at the top of my sidebar. Here is the first.

In the Beginning......

It Takes a Village

2011-07-18T09:54:00.000-06:00

   I've read some comments about how nice it is to exchange ideas here in cyberspace with like-minded folks - especially when we can't talk about it to anyone in real life. That's one of the things that brought me back to blogging. I seem to remember, back on the old SSS or ASS newsgroups that they had an imaginary village where people had imaginary houses and businesses, all spanko related, of course!
   Wouldn't it be nice if there was an isolated village where we could each have a vacation cottage? We could meet and visit and no one would think twice if some one gave "the look" or pulled out a paddle or if you heard smacking sounds from every window. Some people do go to spanking get-togethers, but it's not like having your own little private town of spankos. Well, I can dream!
   Back to reality! Right now, I can't imagine going public with family or friends. I can't even imagine going public at a spanking gathering. I can only come here to say what's on my mind - to share what it's like to be a spanked wife and happy about it. I don't have to put up with raised eyebrows, horrified frowns or sympathetic advice to "get help". I usually feel more "normal" here than I do in the "normal" world because I don't have to hide certain parts of myself. This area of our life is becoming increasingly important to us. I really didn't realize how much it helps to share it until I was away from it for a year. Thanks for being here when I came back and for not forgetting us!

Random Thoughts on Spanking

2011-07-17T11:05:00.001-06:00

   I really like this morning's post by His First Mate about mixing spanking and sex. I love the way she describes the intimacy that is created by spanking. I also understand (not necessarily agree with) the advice that she cited about not mixing punishment and sex. I have read comments by women new to DD to the effect that their partners seemed to spank them only when they wanted sex and didn't seem to get the idea of discipline being a separate situation. I think it is good, if you want a DD relationship, to at least understand the difference - and that distinction can be difficult for a man who is new to DD and stimulated by spanking his wife. We all come to practice our own flavor of TTWD eventually, but I think that some guidance (from a variety of sources) can be helpful.
   I was also thinking about Sara's post on dominant and domineering. It made me consider the difference between voluntary, active submission and obedience and being made to submit and obey. At one point, I half-jokingly asked Lash whether he would like me to resist a little when he spanked me - if subduing me would bring out his dominance. His response was that he wanted my voluntary obedience, that he loved to see me submit to a spanking without fuss or hesitation, to accept whatever he decided. We don't want any part of a "forced" submission. Just as my love for Lash is a choice I make, even when the "in love" feeling rises and falls - so is the choice I make to be obedient, even when I don't feel like it. To be coerced by words or physical actions into submitting would break the trust between us and destroy all that we have built.
   L (@ Trying to do this thing we do), a new blogger just this month, wrote in her post today that her backside was "humming slightly" from a recent spanking. I absolutely love that idea! Before, I've thought of it as stinging, burning, itching, aching or other words that imply pain, but my bottom really is happily humming a little satisfied tune as I recall this morning's spanking. Hmmm! Hmmm! Hmmm!

PS: Do you know that Spellcheck recognizes Hmmm as a word but not Hmmmm? Funny old Spellcheck!

Blogs & Posts & Comments! Oh my!

2011-07-16T09:43:00.000-06:00

Like Dorothy, I've been wandering through the Land of (spanko)OZ with a sense of wonder and amazement at the strange, colorful, engrossing and informative assortment of blogs. After being away from my blog for over a year, I needed to edit my blogroll and delve into the new writers who had joined the community. It's made me think about what I really like to read and what I'd rather not spend my time on.
I like to read posts and comments by:
   1. People who have some experience with a DD partnership, who are thoughtful about their relationship, always striving to learn and grow, keeping in mind what's important to them as a couple.
   2. Newcomers, who are trying out different approaches, feeling their way along this journey, not always getting it "right" but sincerely trying to deepen their knowledge and experience.
   3. People who are struggling - within themselves, with a partner who is just not "getting it", with loneliness, sadness, hectic lives, irritating relatives, children, illness, jobs and all the real life difficulties.
   4. People who share their playful spanking adventures, go to spanko gatherings, write fun and erotic fiction, make me laugh, ask interesting questions and keep it light.
   5. People who just pop in to comment but always say something helpful or positive.
   6. People who live a different form of TTWD, who delve into areas where I can't (or won't) go, who dare to live their dreams and desires.
   7. People who share the joys and sorrows of their everyday lives so that we can know each other better.

And what I don't like?
   1. Blogs that describe what seems like abuse.
   2. Blogs that are all drama and no insight.
   3. One-size-fits-all comments like: "I'd like to spank your ass." No kidding?
   4. Blogs that "ick" me out. I have a pretty high tolerance, but I do draw the line.
   5. Blogs written in hard-to-read fonts. My age is showing!

I'd love to hear what other readers like, dislike and want to read about.

A Tale of Two Spankings

2011-07-15T09:57:00.003-06:00

I got my spanking this morning but it didn't come about exactly as I had hoped. Lash started the morning with a comment that I took as blame and criticism. I felt irritated and defensive and argued this issue in my mind while we went for our morning walk. I asked him to clarify and he said that he had not meant it that way. I believed him but still had several sarcastic comments spinning around in my head.

OK, some lessons I've learned over the years:
   1. Everything in my head doesn't have to come
   out of my mouth!
   2. Our marriage is more important than being
   "right".
   3. In some ~~rare~~ cases, Lash may be "right".
   4. Holding on to resentment is just my ego acting
   up.
   5. Letting go of resentment makes me feel so
   much better!

To continue: I worked on letting go when we got home, I showered and went to wait for Lash in bed. We cuddled, he spanked long and hard, I cried, we cuddled again and....... something wasn't right. I knew that I was holding back part of myself. I also knew that it would bother me all day if I didn't say something. So I told him about it - told him that I wasn't back to being the wife he deserved, the person I deserve to be.

So, he spanked again - in a position I hate - hard spanks that hit very tender areas. He showed me that he won't tolerate having a fraction of my submission or a portion of my obedience. I have promised them to him and he has a right to a wife who doesn't give them grudgingly. I also have a right to that heavenly feeling when there is nothing standing between us, no walls in my heart.

It wasn't a punishment spanking. It was given and received in the spirit of love, in order to insure that something as small as a misunderstanding will never come between us again. I'm sitting on a very sore bottom but I feel lighter, clearer, happier. I know that this works for us.

Pouting

2011-07-14T09:40:00.002-06:00

   I'm not really too unhappy, but have been feeling the lack of spanking for a few days.
   I had a colonoscopy yesterday which, of course, involves viewing of my bottom by at least a couple of relative strangers. Therefore, no spanking on Tuesday or Wednesday so as to leave said bottom free of marks and redness. Lash had to go out of town today, so no spanking this morning. We've also had workers in the house this week so I'm not even sure about tomorrow unless we get an early start to the day. So today, I'm an unhappy Meow as far as spanking goes. I'll let you know about tomorrow.
   PS: I know, I know! Poor me, who gets a good spanking nearly every day. I shouldn't complain, right? But it's my blog and I'll pout if I want to. (Thanks to Leslie Gore's "Its My Party" for the inspiration! A blast from my past.)

Passive vs. Submissive

2011-07-11T15:12:00.002-06:00

The idea for this post came to me while reading profiles of some bloggers in DD marriages or trying to start DD relationships. Some of them described themselves as sassy or feisty or hard to handle or similar phrases. I wondered how hard it was to define yourself that way and then try to be submissive and obedient to a dominant partner as many of them say they hope to become. It seemed to me that it meant changing your entire self-image. So I started to think about it. I spent most of my life in passive mode: compliant, unassertive, detached, malleable, uninvolved. Part of that has to do with my personality. I'm very introverted, tend to be an observer rather than a participant, prefer to follow rather than lead and hate to make decisions. Passivity also made it easier to get along growing up in my family, church, school and the society of the 1950s. Since submissive and obedient fall under one of the definitions of passive, they should have been easy for me, right? Guess again! I came to learn that my outward passivity covered up inward rebellion. I went along with what authority taught but believed what I wanted to believe and just kept it inside. Of course it came out in a million passive-aggressive behaviors from sarcasm to forgetting to "accidents". Since Lash and I started using our form of DD, with expectations of some degree of submission and obedience on my part, I've had to come to terms with that inward rebellion. I could have complied outwardly, acting the part of a good wife and rebelling inwardly. Or I could really, truly change the way I thought of myself and my relationship with authority in the form of my husband. It has been a long journey to put that inner rebel in her proper place. She still lives inside and I think of her as a friend who keeps me from acting out in destructive ways. I retain the right to think my own thoughts and believe what I believe without necessarily expressing them when it could hurt a friend or family member. I also do not let her come between me and my husband. Inside of me also lives that good wife who actually wants to please, wants to obey, wants to submit. I can treat my husband with respect, honor, honesty, obedience and love and I can do those things actively, not passively! I can work at keeping the rebel and the good wife both alive and healthy inside. They aren't enemies, but coexist peacefully. I need them both. I believe that we don't have to give up being who we are when we enter a DD relationship. We grow, we stretch the limits of who we are. We learn new behaviors, thoughts and emotions and become less controlled by our former self-image. We gain freedom by submitting and gain independence by obeying simply because we choose to do both.

Can't Help Lovin' that Woman of Mine

2011-07-09T11:52:00.000-06:00

I was so overwhelmed by Meow's blog Thursday that I cried for a long time, and certainly couldn't blog then. It brought up so many years of hidden guilt and remorse, always feeling that I hadn't made the best decisions for my wife and children.

I've read Mick's and Stormy's blogs and comments. I identified so much with Mick's blog.

I have always felt that my profession was my "calling", what God intended me to do. After 4 years of post-doctoral training my profession was far more than just a job. I was torn between profession, wife, children and home for 38 years. So many hours with my peers whose goals were the McMansions, boats, planes, world travel, etc. augmented some of my own desires for these things. I usually did have the honesty to know that it wasn't all "just for my family". I knew I had my own demons about wanting those things too. It was always Meow's loving input about values that helped me make the good decisions that I did. Maybe there were times when Meow wasn't understanding about work, but she was always there with absolute support helping me make those very scary leaps of faith. I always knew that our marriage and family were far more important to her than money.

These past few months of retirement have been such a blessing. I cannot imagine ever again giving up our daily love and intimacy for money. Meow, you are really stuck with me now! Love, Lash

Can't Help Lovin' that Man of Mine

2011-07-07T14:17:00.000-06:00

   Stormy wrote a beautiful post here and it really made me think about Lash's job and our ups and downs. When we were first married, I was lonely a lot when he worked late, but I also worked odd hours and we got used to our evenings and nights alone.
   When it was time to settle down in his career, he chose a job that paid less but offered shorter work hours and more vacation. Our kids were young then and he was able to spend more time with his family.
   Gradually, decisions were made at work that meant longer work hours for him and less time with family. It was hard on him in many ways and the stress took its toll on all of us.
   Finally, about 10-12 years before retirement, he decided to chuck that job and begin free-lance consulting so that he could work about half-time. It had some drawbacks but it made sense for us and allowed us to spend more time together and with our kids and parents.
   Today I thanked Lash for making those decisions to put family first. It wasn't easy to go against the tide of work-addiction and money-hunger that drove so many of those around him. We were very comfortable financially, but we didn't have the McMansions, boats, planes, world travel, private schools, etc. that many of his peers felt were necessary. We were satisfied without them.
   And here I need to put in a good word for myself. Some of the pressure to perform and earn came from spouses who never seemed to have enough. I refused to have anything to do with them and tried to let Lash know that I didn't want more "stuff" but more of his time. I encouraged him to quit that poisonous job situation and work for himself. I encouraged him to retire when consulting became too stressful. These were scary leaps of faith. We still don't know if retirement will work for us financially, but we're willing to walk into an unknown future as long as we can do it together.
   I'm certainly not saying that I didn't complain, cry, pout and make his life miserable at times because of my objections to his work. I tried to be supportive, but fell short so many times. Looking back, I can see how impossible his situation was and how well he coped with pressure from all directions.
   Thank you, Lash, for providing for your family in every way possible! I love you!!

Yin and Yang

2011-07-05T15:04:00.002-06:00

When I recently returned to blogging, I re-read some of my older posts and found things that I had written and totally forgotten. One of them was our experiment with using a strap and tawse when Lash had hand surgery. At that time, I was asking to be "pushed" toward crying and was having a hard time relaxing and letting go. I was tense and afraid of the pain.

Recently, after a 4 month hiatus, we started spanking again and I'm suddenly finding myself able to tolerate and even welcome the pain - and to cry much more easily. Lash spanks hard (with his hand) and it hurts, but somehow it doesn't make me tense. I am much more open and receptive to the spanking.

Lash has been training in a field of body/energy healing and is very aware of energy movement and blockages in my body. He tells me that when I am tense during a spanking, he feels as though I'm obstructing a flow of energy. When I begin to cry hard, it breaks down that block and he feels the energy flowing from him, through me, freely. And for my part, I feel a huge release of tension when Lash spanks me through the tears.

For us, one of the main reasons we like spanking, and spanking frequently, is that it releases this masculine/feminine energy and makes us feel like two halves of one whole - Yin and Yang. It centers us, grounds us and gives us both strength and peace.

Of course, we still have playful spankings and punishment spankings and spankings where one or the other of us just can't relax, but when the Yin/Yang works it is a joyous experience!

Our morning

2011-06-29T13:18:00.003-06:00

This big guy was resting just across the street from our house while My big guy was also resting at home. Lash deserved his nap because we started the day before 6am with a long walk at the lake. We saw ducks, geese, a couple of pelicans and a bald eagle along the way. It was a beautiful morning!
When we got home we ate breakfast, cleaned up and made time for a good hard spanking followed by some fooling around that turned to Seriously Fantastic Sex! We hope to keep to this schedule most days because we both need the exercise and the spanking. The SFS will probably be optional depending on time and inclination, but we can hope!

By any other name

2011-06-26T23:44:00.006-06:00

As I’ve been catching up on blogs I ran across one that talked about punishment spankings and mostly rejected the word “punishment”, preferring the terms “choice” or “consequence”.

Shortly after we reinstated spanking after my surgery, I earned a punishment spanking - and I mean really, really earned it by doing something that I promised I wouldn’t do again. It was dangerous, stupid and I did it right in front of Lash. He wasn’t able to do anything about it that day except hold me, listen to me talk about it and let me cry. Then he asked if I needed a punishment spanking. He thought I was being hard enough on myself, feeling miserable, full of regret and remorse. I knew I needed the spanking, told him so and he gave me one the next day. When I read the blog I mentioned above, I began to think about the term punishment.

Punishment is “ the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense”. Retribution is “punishment that is considered to be morally right and fully deserved”.

I felt my spanking was morally right and fully deserved and it was my choice. Lash and I have chosen this kind of life. We mutually decide that some behavior is unacceptable to both of us. We also agree that spanking will be the consequence when I behave in certain ways. Lash has never punished me without my agreement. So it is my “choice”, the “consequence” of my behavior and a just retribution or “punishment” - all three at once. In my mind, I can't separate them.

A punishment spanking clears the air between us, relieves the weight of any guilt I carry and marks a new beginning. Those are the reasons I believe it is good for us, necessary for us and, no matter what we name it, one embodiment of our love for each other.

Retirement

2011-06-25T14:06:00.002-06:00

   Lash officially retired sometime this Spring. Since he worked as a consultant, the actual date was pretty indefinite and it was not entirely voluntary. Jobs in his field were drying up and the offers he got meant working farther from home in less than ideal conditions.
   While I was laid up with my foot surgery, I spent many hours working on a budget to get us through the next few years until our pensions, etc. could kick in. Whenever I came up with something that might work, he always called it the "worst case scenario" meaning, I guess, that retirement was the worst that could happen! I looked upon it as the "best case scenario" since he would no longer have to live in hotels and change jobs every few months. It took a while for him to see retirement as a "good" option, something that might make him happy.
   I think that now, after a couple of months at home, he's satisfied with his decision. He's gotten involved in some community activities and knows that we can easily travel to see our daughters on the spur of the moment since they live only 1.5 and 3 hours away.
   Most important is our time together. We can now eat, sleep, talk, walk, play, make love and spank anytime it suits us. This is so different from the years that he worked 50, 60, 70 hours per week or from the years he worked out-of-town for weeks or months on end. I was told (only half in jest) that having him around all the time would drive me crazy, but I'm so happy to have him with me. I want to cherish this time together because I've seen so many of our friends lose spouses - many of them much too young.
   I want to get in all the loving, spanking, intimacy, laughter and joy that we can while we're on this earth together and still healthy enough to do it all! At our ages, we know we don't have forever, but we can have today and that's enough!

Back Again

2011-06-24T12:05:00.000-06:00

   Hi! I'm not sure anyone's out there reading this but I'll try to check in on some of our old blogging pals.
Lash and I are still here, still spanking and still feeling good about it! The past year has been full of challenges. Our moms have had various health crises. Our kids have had their own life crises. Daughter 2 is over her depression, Thank God! Daughter 1 is back to work after maternity leave and her husband is working steadily but often out-of-town. Our grandson is the joy of our existence and we try to visit him as often as possible!! I had foot surgery in February and am just learning to walk without limping. We completely refurbished an old condo (doing most of the work ourselves) and sold it.
   We just started spanking again after a 4 month hiatus and it has been wonderful! Lash is retired and home full-time so we can get on a regular schedule of spanking - almost daily suits both of us for now. We're getting into healthier eating and exercise now that we have the time. I had a whopper of a bad mood/bad behavior slip yesterday and got a punishment spanking this morning - not what I was hoping for as we renew our commitment to spanking, but I did need it and I'm glad I got it. I was miserable for half of yesterday and now I feel much better. We'll talk about ways to forestall future problems in this area and get on with our lives.
   I'm eager to catch up with other blogs and will try to be a steady blogger again, I promise!

Catching up

2010-05-06T07:52:00.000-06:00

Hi! I can't believe it's been three months since I posted here.
   We've made many trips to see our new grandson and one trip to the Midwest in February to introduce him to his Great Grandmas, his Aunt and various other relatives. He met at least 20 people in one weekend, poor kid!
   In late March, we made another trip to the Midwest to help our younger daughter who was in a deep depression. She's now on medication and doing well, but it was a close thing - very scary!
   While we were there we offered to move Lash's nearly-90 year old mother to a safer condo - safer in the sense of easier access in bad weather. She accepted, so we had to begin renovations on the condo we own. We have been putting these renovations off for over 2 years - everything about it was at least 20 years out of date, so it's proving to be a big job. I plan to get everything done by June, but that means staying in the condo during the renovation and we do not have internet access there. I go to an internet coffeeshop every few days but that allows just time enough to answer email and do some business - no time for reading or writing blog entries.
   Meanwhile, Lash's mom has had a heart attack and been in the hospital for about 10 days. She may not even be able to move, so that decision is still pending. She's recovering, but weak.
   Lash is now back home in the mountains, preparing to start a new job in June (for 5-6 months). The job is in the city where our grandson lives, so we're very happy about it. I'm joining him at home for a few days this weekend and then heading back to the condo for more cleaning, painting, wallpaper removal, etc.
   Spanking is on the back burner right now, but we still look for chances - like being in the same State! I'm really looking forward to this weekend!!
   I'll try to catch up on the nearly 400 blog entries listed in Google Reader when I get a chance. I miss reading about everyone's experiences! Happy Spanking, Everyone!

Still here

2010-02-06T08:41:00.002-07:00

   Lash and I are still alive and kicking - or I guess I should say "alive and spanking". Lash is working a job in a nearby city (about 1.5 hours away including a temporary detour). I visit him for an overnighter when I can. I also spent a week with my daughter and the bambino while her husband was working out of town. It's tax season for us - time to gather, compile and organize our records, both business and personal, before sending them off to the accountant. It's also time for me to hand off the presidency of an organization. I've held the office for two years and March will be the installation of new officers. There is still a lot of paperwork to complete, but soon I'll be free! Hooray!
   We have found time for some spanking and cuddling, etc. I've been stressed lately and have been able to relax and cry during the last couple of spankings. It helped soooooo much! Lash even made a special trip home one morning after working the night shift, so that he could spank me. He needed it as much as I did!! I rearranged an appointment and we had a lovely morning together.
   Today Lash is going to see the baby (and his parents), but I'm staying home because of possible bad weather. Lash can probably get back to his job, but I might have trouble driving up the mountain to our home if the snow is as heavy as predicted. So he gets to have some "Grandpa time"! I guess it's only fair since I spent a whole week with the little cutey.
   I've been reading blogs when I can and will get back to commenting soon. Right now it just feels good to be sitting on a stinging bottom again. I hate it when Outside Life interferes with our Private Life! Hugs to all my blogging friends! I miss this little part of the world when I'm away.

TTWD after One Year

2010-01-17T00:31:00.006-07:00

   One year ago today, I shocked my poor Lash by suggesting that we try DD. Of course neither of us knew what that really meant or what we were getting into.
   Here's how I described our beginning in one of my first posts:
"I think I was born with the spanko gene and have found it exciting all my life but didn’t share my interest with Lash until we’d been married almost 20 years. We incorporated it into foreplay occasionally and that was where it ended, until January of this year (2009). One weekend, I found a website about Domestic Discipline, followed some links, read all I could and felt a buzz all over! This was what I’d been wanting, but I hadn’t known how to express it.
   I showed one of the websites to Lash and left the house to go to the supermarket. I was so nervous about his response I was literally shaking! But, when I returned, he responded with interest that has since developed into enthusiasm. We’ve been gradually refining “our” form of DD ever since."
   Since then we've tried a lot of things, rejected some and liked others. We love being together more than at any time during our marriage. We reconnect and reaffirm our love with every spanking. Most of them are "maintenance", for no particular reason except that one or both of us needs it! We feel both relaxed and energized after a spanking. It has become a comfortable part of our lives - but never boring or routine! Sometimes it leads to more intimate moments, but it has an intimacy of it's own that feels complete.
   When I try to think of beginning DD and continuing it without the blogging community, my mind just goes blank. How could we have done it without the support we've received, without the guidance of those who had more experience? I'm glad we haven't had to struggle on this journey alone - I love looking ahead and behind us on the path of TTWD and seeing friends who lead the way and friends who have just started.
   Most of all I want to say to Lash: "Happy Anniversary, Husband!" I feel like our "real" marriage started one year ago today!

I'm in Love!

2010-01-10T15:02:00.000-07:00

Born this week!

Baby, Mother and Father doing well!

Grandparents, too!

Another "Birth"day Soon!

2009-12-30T14:25:00.001-07:00

   I just got back from two days with my daughter. Her pregnancy is going fairly well in spite of the gestational diabetes. But..... the baby is in the breech position and won't turn. All we need is one half-somersault from the little stinker - but, nope!!
   She was scheduled (Tuesday) for an attempt to turn the baby externally so I've been with her since Monday. This attempt didn't work either, so now she's scheduled for a C-section next Wednesday.
   Her husband will be home from his job for the long weekend and I can be with her on Monday and Tuesday. Her hubby will then come back again for the C-section. And then we'll be grandparents! I'm so excited and praying that all goes well! I'll post again with a picture when it's all over!

Happy Birthday to Lash!!

2009-12-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

Today is Lash's birthday

and he has to work all day and evening.

We celebrated over the weekend

and had a lot of fun,

but now he's back at work and I probably

won't get down the mountain to visit him

until the 31st.

I just want to tell everyone

what a wonderful man,

what a fantastic husband and lover,

what a great provider and caring person he is!!

And what a consistent and dedicated practitioner

of TTWD!

He's my hero and my haven!

Lash, I love you more each day!

Happy Birthday!

Gifts to Myself

2009-12-26T13:12:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Dazygal,
who made me think about this subject.
My comment on her blog ended up
being expanded to these thoughts.

When Lash and I first started DD,

I thought of the changes in my behavior as

#1) a duty that I owed to Lash as my husband,

part of my hope to improve our marriage.

A side benefit was

#2) that I would get the spankings I craved.

And, honestly, #1 and #2 may have been reversed

in my subconscious mind and, at times, consciously.

I wanted to get spanked and DD was the means.

Looking back, it was a kind of bribe:

"I'll act like I'm an obedient wife and

then I'll get what I want."

Gradually, I began to see submission and obedience

as gifts that I gave him out of my love and respect

and desire to make him happy.

I began to see what it did for Lash

as well as what I got out of it.

Just recently, Lash wrote this in an email:

"I am living the life that I have always wanted
and have the relationship with you
I have always wanted.

I feel so masculine and strong."

Seeing this in him has been a huge incentive

to continue on this journey.

Lately though, I have begun to feel that
my submission and obedience are primarily
gifts that I give myself.

Anything less is dishonest and disrespectful

to my own sense of who I am.

Of course, they are also gifts to Lash -

but I have to feel good about myself first

in order for them to be valuable to him.

I am submissive and obedient
because he has helped me

to find these qualities deep within me

and helped me to express them openly

without fear, without shame, without anger.

They are aspects of who I am and to deny them

would be to deny the person I am becoming.

So it doesn't occur to me to try to
avoid submitting or obeying
by tricks or lying or manipulation.
That would only be deceiving Lash and myself.
Neither one of us deserve that.

Does this make any sense?
Has anyone else gone through similar stages?

Holiday Traditions

2009-12-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

   Lash left for his work site yesterday and called last night to tell me his schedule for the week. It looks like he'll be working non-stop with barely enough time to sleep. He's especially tied up on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day all the way into the 26th.
   Now, I have choices in this situation. I can be all grumpy and pouty and stay home alone. (The old me!) I can help serve free dinners for a local charity. (We've done this before and it was fun!) I can go to my daughter's house for Christmas. (Weather depending!) I can stick close to Lash at his workplace - he'll probably have free time to spend with me and there are places I can be out of the way. (This looks like my #1 choice right now!) I could even share the holiday with friends. (Some are probably alone, too!)
   We've spent many holidays (including birthdays and anniversaries, etc.) like this. The nature of Lash's work (and mine too before kids) is that it includes holiday work. Long ago we had to decide what was really important and what was just trimmings. What is really important is the love we share with each other and our families. Our love for each other is celebrated every day! We don't need a special meal or place or gift to show that love.
   My MIL asked my husband when we'll "do" Christmas since he'll be at work. I think her idea of "doing" Christmas is having a special meal and opening gifts. It's not official unless you "do" it that way.
   Now, I love the traditions of Christmas, but I also love being free to make our own memories. The year we served free meals gave us wonderful memories. I'm sure this year will be unique and memorable, too, in a non-traditional way. We'll "do" Christmas in the lobby or waiting room or lounge at work. I'm sure there will be a tree and Christmas music and traditional food in the cafeteria. And even if there's no mistletoe, I bet we can sneak in a few kisses. I'm looking forward to it!

I hope your Holidays are full of love and all the good things that make it special for you!!

Hugs to all, Meow

PS: I think this is my 100th post!

Submissively Sassy

2009-12-17T16:22:00.000-07:00

   One day Lash and I were joking and teasing and I admitted to being sassy but asserted that I was being "submissively" sassy. The old me was disrespectfully sassy and passive-agressively sassy - saying hurtful things under the guise of fun. The difference now is that I always keep respect for Lash as my Husband in the language and tone and meaning of my sass - and that's what makes it submissive! He loves it! It gives him an excuse for some playful swats, too. And I love that!
   While we were out of town, I got 3 very nice spankings but a variety of factors kept us from having a two-fer (two spankings in one day).
   Since we got back I've had two lovely spankings. The one on Tuesday was very painful with a lot of hand spanking and using the tawse. I was able to finally let go and cry just from the spanking which felt very liberating. I've been working on feeling softer and more yielding when I get spanked rather than being tense and defensive.
   Today's spanking was very special. Lash started by saying some very loving and supportive things while we cuddled and that was enough to start the tears. I was able to cry out loud during the spanking (with hand and strap). It felt like I was surrendering to this loving and powerful force. It's hard to describe but it was beautiful. I long for that feeling of surrender and I feel like I'm finally finding it.
   Tomorrow may be our last full day together for a couple of weeks since Lash will be working out of town over both holidays. I can join him after work since it's only an hour away, but it's not the same as having the privacy of our own home. Still, we're grateful for the paycheck after Lash being off work all summer for his surgeries. It ends the year on an upbeat note. We have so much to be thankful for in 2009 and look forward to a great year in 2010!

We're out of town..... again.

2009-12-08T07:17:00.000-07:00

Lash and I are in the Midwest visiting family and awaiting a blizzard. We got our emergency groceries this morning and are spending a few precious minutes in the coffee shop checking email and blogs. Sorry I don't have time to comment on other blogs. We've had one minor drama with family but everything is good with our moms (mostly). Minor drama pales when I hear about a friend at home who was just diagnosed with breast cancer. This kind of real life challenge is happening more and more frequently among our friends. I guess that's part of aging. I'll try to write more later, after the storm. At least we have a nice cozy place to stay and be all by ourselves! Now what can we do when trapped by a blizzard???? Any ideas?

Our Holiday (including spanking)

2009-11-28T12:45:00.002-07:00

"With Thanksgiving around the corner,

I thought this would be a good time

to review my estate plan."

I know this is a little late, but when I saw it, it expressed my feelings exactly! We've talked to several investment advisors, insurance agents, our lawyer and each other until we're blue in the face and I finally feel like I have a glimmer of what we need to do to get ready for retirement! No wonder we've put it off so long. It's confusing, scary and full of tough decisions about the future.

And now I'm Thankful that we did it!

For me, knowing is better than not knowing.

Which brings me to the end of my last post. Lash was waiting for me upstairs and I knew there was going to be a spanking but didn't know what kind. I joined him in bed, we cuddled and talked.

Eventually we came to the usual question:

"Is there anything you want to tell me?"

I hate that question!

So I talked about my behavior last week, how I'd been crabby, snippy, sarcastic, angry, pulling a lot of old behavior and being generally nasty.

Then came the BIG question:

"Do you think you were being loving and respectful?"

Shit!

"Nooooo, I hate it when I act that way!"

So I got the spanking I hoped for followed by the spanking that I needed.

That's another thing I'm Thankful for -

that I get the spankings I want

and the spankings I really, really need!

I cried before and after and felt soooooo good!

That was Wednesday. Thursday, we spent the day with our daughter and SIL. They had planned to cook, but the news about her gestational diabetes, her meeting with a dietician and learning to use the glucometer and food plan made her forget to thaw the turkey. Our SIL who was planning to cook the turkey didn't get home from his job (across the state) until late Wednesday night. So we all went out to eat at Village Inn where the other three had turkey dinners

and I had a Cobb Salad!

We had a great day with no pressure,
watched a movie, visited and relaxed.

On Friday, we picked out paint for the nursery -
7 weeks and counting!

Today, Lash packed up and went to his new job. It's only 6 night of work but he's happy to get back into the swing of the workplace. We had a lovely goodbye spanking this morning! I absolutely love my man when he tells me to join him for a spanking. It wasn't too hard, but it wasn't gentle either, so I'll remember it all day. Mmmmmmm!

So I'm counting my blessings today.

Lash

Spankings - which leads to

Our rejuvenated marriage

Our healthy daughters and SIL

Our (sort of) healthy moms

Extended family

Beautiful weather

A warm house

Good food

Friends

and retirement

(some day)

Update

2009-11-25T14:29:00.001-07:00

   It's been awhile since I posted, other than a Nov. 11th tribute. Mostly, I've been mired in apathy. Oh, I've kept on reading blogs, but haven't commented or posted because it just seemed like too much trouble.
   I also needed to step back to get some perspective because I was getting a little too worked up about issues and controversies and other people's personal problems. It was starting to seem more real than my real life and that's just not true. It's an interesting, even fascinating little world we've created here, but the world outside my door is interesting, too. It's also easier to sit in front of my computer and comment on blogs than it is to contact people and get out to meet them - especially for a true introvert like me. I fight this battle all the time: my need to keep in contact with friends and family vs. my need for a lot of "alone" time.
   And...... some real life stuff has been happening: One friend lost her husband, another had surgery, another is moving away.
   Our daughter learned she has gestational diabetes and is slowly discovering how to take control of her diet. We had a wonderful visit with her and her husband one weekend for a massive baby shower! Tomorrow we will spend Thanksgiving with them!
   Lash has been on a roller coaster concerning his next job. First he was offered work for about 3 weeks in December and then that fell through. Then he had about 10 days of work but it meant changing our holiday travel plans, then that fell through. Now he has the certainty of 6 days of work starting this weekend (when we were supposed to be with family) which will be a welcome return to the job front after a summer of no work due to 3 hand surgeries. Fortunately he's recovering very well and is very glad to be back on the job.
   We've been doing some long-needed retirement planning including changing some investments and changing our health insurance plan. That meant a lot of research into our spending habits, past, present and future - not fun! And meeting with investment advisors, financial planners and insurance agents - also not very much fun - but necessary.
   In general everything is fine with us but we've had some worries about family members, friends and our own future which drew us into real life for a while.
   Spanking has been continuing. In fact Lash asked me if I had posted already (he knew I was planning to) and offered to give me something to post about! He's waiting upstairs for me now!! I'll let you know how it goes.
   Happy Thanksgiving to all my US friends and have a great weekend to everyone else!

Poppies

2009-11-11T06:32:00.005-07:00

For Veterans Day (Armistice Day)
In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel
John McCrae, MD
(1872-1918)
Canadian Army

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Halloween Scarecrow!

2009-10-31T12:59:00.001-06:00

Happy Halloween!

My card from Lash showed

two black cats

on top of a jack-o-lantern

and inside it said:

Hope your Halloween is

absolutely

'meow'velous!

Where does he find them?

Hope your weekend is 'meow'velous, too!

FFF

2009-10-30T07:10:00.000-06:00

Here is a link to my FFF post since I did it on Monday!

Happy Halloween????

2009-10-28T08:16:00.001-06:00

This is what we woke to this morning - with more on the way! It looks more like Happy New Year! At least we have plenty of food, nowhere to go and a gas fireplace in case the electricity fails.

Enjoy autumn wherever you are!

Spanking and Role-Playing

2009-10-27T11:13:00.000-06:00

   You either "get it" or you don't when it comes to kink. I can appreciate, admire or envy what others do or I can sit here, reading blogs, and be perplexed, confused and turned off. I don't say disgusted or repelled, because #1) I believe that adult consensual play is very different from abuse or exploitation, which would disgust me, and #2) there are places I just don't go, things I have no interest in reading. Non-consent and non-adult fall into a very different category, of course, and I'm not addressing that.
   Role-playing is one area that seems to be fun or exciting for a lot of people. I just don't "get" it. There is no little thrill inside when I think of dressing up or acting. I have no desire to pretend to be someone I'm not in order to get a spanking. I'm kind of "color blind" in this area. It just seems gray and unappealing to me. That may be why age-play in all it's forms - child/parent, student/teacher, etc. - is mystifying to me.
   A lot of role-playing seems to be a re-playing of times in our lives when we had no power or control over events. I really don't want to go there. I hated being subject to the whims of adults when I was a child and I hated being seen as "less than" by authority figures because I was an adult female. Probably it's because I hated being powerless in the past that I need to work out the dynamics of powerlessness now.
   Now, many vanilla outsider would see me being spanked by my husband as role-playing or age-play (or disgusting). Some people involved with ttwd might see it that way. Heck, I have sometimes had trouble defining it to my own satisfaction. Maybe that's what I'm trying to do here.
   To me, spanking is an adult activity that allows me to voluntarily give up control and power to another person, not because it is easy or fun for me but because it is the hardest thing I do. It can't be temporary, as in a "scene". It can't be on and off whenever I feel like it. It has to be real and mutually beneficial and done with the one person I trust to use that power wisely. It touches something deep inside that I thought I would never explore. It is emotional and also spiritual, in that I believe that I grow spiritually when I visit those dark, frightening, secret places and open them to the light.
   It has nothing to do with past abuse - there was none. It has everything to do with my own way of dealing with the world. I have been passive, avoiding conflict, holding my thoughts and feelings to myself, staying away from power exchange situations, nursing my fears inside and above all, not trusting anyone - even Lash - to see those fears. Entering into a DD relationship of my own free will meant changing basic life-long habits and traits. Spanking is one of the means to this end, but the major factor is my willing submission and obedience, placing enough trust in another person to give him these gifts and risk their rejection.
   I read the blogs of many women who concentrate on the dominance of their partner as the Holy Grail of DD. And that is a personal situation that I can't judge. For me it is my voluntary submission that is the biggest hurdle I face. Even when Lash is working in a distant state, I can work on my submission because that battle is inside me, always with me. I love feeling his dominance but he doesn't force me into submission, I have to reach deep and find it within.
   This is a long way from my comparison with role-playing. I think it would be fun... sometime. I think, if I didn't have Lash to work on this with me, I might consider it as a way of getting inside to deal with these issues - but it seems like a heavy weight to put on some random top! Anyway, to those who do it - Have Fun! Thanks to all those who read this far in a long and rambling post. Hugs to all!

Trick or Treat!

2009-10-26T14:58:00.006-06:00

Photo from "The Daily Toast"

Flash Fiction Friday on Monday!

Not 100 words either, but what the heck!

I love Halloween!

With my nipples for eyes,

my navel for a nose

and a big, toothy smile

painted just above....

the windowsill,

I'm the jack-o-lantern!

Trick or Treat!

Dangerous, Destructive Street Gangs

2009-10-24T05:21:00.003-06:00

I had to laugh at this email photo I got from my Mom
about "street gangs" in Helena, Montana.

We have a similar problem in our town.

In fact they even invade our yard!

They can be dangerous -

don't mess with the bulls during the fall rut

and stay away from the cows

and their newborn calves in the spring.

They also destroy almost all garden plantings

and cause "Elk Jams"

- our town's version of traffic jams -

when elk and tourists clog the main roads.

But we love our furry friends,

even though some "gangs" recruit

from the youth of our community!

This youngster was recruited by his own mom

right from our property!

What's the world coming to?

When Spanking Does Work!

2009-10-23T13:08:00.000-06:00

   Last week I posted about a problem with our maintenance/reminder/stress relief spankings. After being out of town and then not feeling well, we finally got a chance - yesterday and today - to try out some new techniques. Lash used only his hand both days and interspersed spanking with rubbing and talking. I was able to be much more relaxed and, as I relaxed today, the tears came. This was a wonderful feeling and helped relieve the stress and anxiety that always seem to lurk beneath the surface. The spankings still hurt but it was something that I could absorb and recognize as an act of love. I could be present and engaged instead of withdrawn and tense as I had been before. That made all the difference. I think we're on the right path and will continue to explore.
   PS: CD at Cultivated Discipline and Chloe at She Obeys have joined in the conversation about where we all fit into this blogging world. I'm enjoying everyone's point of view!

Follow-up to my Rant

2009-10-22T15:51:00.000-06:00

   Thanks to all who commented on my last two posts, here and here. Most people responded with the advice that it's My Blog and I can write what I want and don't worry about who reads it and what they think. I agree about writing what I want and need to say. One reason that I entered the blogging world was to have an outlet for all those feelings that I can't express to folks here in Realityville. I love the sense of community online and the support for each other concerning TTWD. Maryann took this idea a step further on her blog.
   Lately, after reading a lot of very diverse points of view, I started feeling exactly the way I sometimes feel offline: like there's no one out there like me, that I'm hopelessly out of touch, that stating how I feel is somehow wrong. I get these periods of self-doubt and it's good to have a place to express them. They always pass, but it's good to know I'm not alone in these feelings. Thanks to Janet, Sarah, Measha, Hermione, Katia, Daisy, Maryann, Ally, Chloe, pb, Ronnie, PK, lil miss trouble, Florida Dom, Sara and Mick. You all made my day brighter by your comments!
   I also want to say that the list of "things I don't do" in my rant wasn't a list of things I disapprove of or don't like. Some of them are things I just don't have the talent, time or inclination to do like writing erotic fiction, going to parties or using harsher implements. Others just aren't a turn-on for me or just don't fit the style of this blog. I really do enjoy reading all the blogs out there - many more than I can list in my blogroll.
   One last thing about Florida Dom's post about genital shaving - I made a second comment to this post which I'll quote here because it's been on my mind:
     "FD, This a touchy subject for me - the blurring of the lines between women and children. I know most people don't see genital shaving in that light and I'm happy for them. The flip side of the problem is children who dress and behave as adults. I really hate to see a 10 year old girl dressed in a skimpy top and skin tight jeans. I guess I'm lucky that my daughters weren't into that, but some of their friends were and it was very sad.
   One more note: Do any guys out there shave "down there"? I've had my share of pubic hair in the mouth and I guess I can live with it as long as it goes both ways. Maybe another topic for you, FD?"

Bye for now!

Rant Over - It's Safe Again

2009-10-21T12:47:00.000-06:00

   I've decided to leave my last post online but post again to say I'm feeling better and will stop whining! Thanks to those who commented and encouraged me to keep blogging or take a break if I needed one.
   I think I'm coming down with a cold - I hope that's all, I haven't had my flu shot yet. When I started catching up on blogs this morning, everything I read just made me feel so old and hopelessly behind the times. That always gets me into a funk and makes everything look bleak. Lash was out of the house - at the doctor's office for a long-lasting cough - and I got into self-pity and some self-disgust kind of thinking. So.... whine, rant, pout and you know the rest!
   Part of the self-disgust came from overeating while we were on our mini-vacation and gaining back some of the weight I'd taken all summer and fall to lose. Today it's high fiber, low carb protein shakes all day and a regular meal tonight. Being hungry makes me whine and pout, too!
   Lash came home and gave me lots of hugs and I got cyber hugs from some online friends and a new "delurker", Janet! I was reminded that I don't have to be or do anything to be part of this community and I don't have to feel "less than" because I'm different. I spent too much of my life doing that!
   As Daisy said in her comment, some people have the ability to write posts that sizzle and I certainly enjoy reading them, but ours just perks along without much razzle-dazzle. I'm happy with my life the way it is - a couple of old fogies with an added twist! I just needed the reminder of how lucky I am! Thanks!!

Bad Mood Rant - Stay Away!

2009-10-21T09:34:00.000-06:00

I may just be in a bad mood and I may delete this right after I post it, but I'm feeling like I have nothing to say that could possibly be of interest to people out there. We don't play publicly at parties or privately with other people. We don't use harsh implements. We don't post about our intimate sex life. I don't feel the desire to shave myself to look like a 10 year old. (After reading comments on Florida Dom's most recent post, I must be the only one!) I don't post pictures of naked women (or men). I don't have multiple doms or multitple sex partners. I don't publish erotic fiction. I obviously don't have a problem if other people do all of the above since I read your blogs, but how many times can I post about our everyday, boring life and spankings? This is a very diverse group of people and I enjoy reading your blogs, but how interesting is it to read about us? I see a few blogs out there with couples in a similar situation to ours, but not many. We're not flashy, we're not daring, we're not young and we're certainly not keeping up with everything new and exciting. I may be back to post tomorrow or I may need to take a break for a while. I'm just feeling alienated at the moment!

Spanking Around America!

2009-10-17T20:06:00.001-06:00

On Thursday Lash and I left home for a weekend mini-vacation and drove 3 hours to the city where our pregnant daughter lives. Friday morning the three of us drove across the state so that she could visit her husband at his job site. The weather was beautiful - not a cloud in the sky, temps in the low 70s and fantastic fall color. We left her with her hubby and drove on to another town for the weekend. Today we visited a National Park and had a great time.
   One thing we did was have our first National Park outdoor spanking! It was at an exhibit like this one (in the picture) and we found ourselves all alone. So Lash leaned me over the railing and gave me several moderately hard hand spanks. It stung enough even through my jeans that I could feel it while we sat on a nearby park bench for lunch. We hope it's the first of many! One of our ideas was to spank in every National Park! I wonder how many that is? Then we thought of National Monuments, State Parks, County Parks, City Parks, etc. This could be fun!
   I packed the LJ again this trip, but we've been exhausted from driving or hiking or sight-seeing every evening. Our diets haven't been going too well while we're traveling, but we can get back on track. We pick up our daughter for the trip home tomorrow and then get back to our house on Monday.
   I want to thank everyone who responded to my last post. Things are great with us. We've talked a lot and will try to implement some new spanking tactics when we get settled back at home. It was never a problem between Lash and me, but a problem that we both wanted to work out. I know we will!
   So.... if you're at a National Park and you see a couple sneaking off for a spanking, wave and say "Hi!" It's just Meow and Lash spanking around America.

When Spanking isn't Working

2009-10-15T17:14:00.000-06:00

This morning before we left for the weekend we had a spanking session and I reacted in an unusual way. Lash has been upping the ante with our maintenance spankings and they are getting quite painful for me. When we started doing this a few months ago, I asked Lash to push my limits and this is what he's been doing.

Now here's the thing.... I'm a pretty stoic person and can tolerate a lot of pain when I'm injured or sick. But I'm finding that what works in everyday life to keep me going, doesn't work during a spanking. When the pain gets to be too much, I tense my muscles and shut down my emotions. It takes me longer and longer to relax and let go after a spanking when the spanking is more painful. This morning it took a very long time and when Lash talked about pushing my limits even more, I started crying. I was scared and confused.

So.... we talked.

We talked about our expectations and why we do spanking at all. One of the reasons we both agreed on was to help me get in touch with my emotions and be able to cry. I feel very cleansed after I cry and I love being held by Lash when I cry - and he loves to comfort me. Crying helps me put emotions into words so that I can share them with Lash. Crying helps heal old hurts and keeps new fears and angry reactions from eating away at me. Crying releases all the stress-filled energy I store in my body. I feel like I really need this in my life but I don't let myself do it.

Lash has been hoping that harder spankings would get me over that edge, help me find the trigger that would allow me to cry. It hasn't been working. Now I don't know what intensity of pain others can tolerate. I just know that I don't enjoy it for it's own sake. I guess I'm not really a masochist or a pain slut or whatever. If spanking at this intensity would help me to cry, to release emotions, I would not complain - I'd welcome it. But for now it doesn't seem to be what I need.

So, we'll keep talking. We'll try less intense but longer spankings. We'll try more talking before, during and after. We'll try a lot of things and see what works. We'll keep loving each other and we'll keep spanking in our marriage because we love what it has done for us. I trust that eventually we will find another level of depth - a new way of knowing what we both need and new ways of satisfying those needs. We can be patient and we can be creative and we can admit when something doesn't work. Most of all we talk, talk, talk until we understand each other and that's what keeps us from giving up!

We Still Have Spanking!

2009-10-14T16:11:00.003-06:00

In case the print is too small, here's my version:

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

OMG, what can I do?

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

My mood is bad - can you tell?

My body's drooping

Have trouble pooping

The Golden Years have come at last

Thank God Lash still spanks my ass!

Welcome Lurkers!!

2009-10-13T06:38:00.000-06:00

I started lurking on the old A.S.S. and S.S.S. newsgroups back in the 90's and didn't progress to commenting on blogs until 2009. It's never too late! Read my Lurk No More notice in the right hand column and give it a try! I've met the nicest people on these blogs and had a lot of fun and gotten a lot of feedback. Stop by one of your favorite blogs today and just say "Hi!"!

Purring

2009-10-10T16:36:00.000-06:00

As Lash posted on his blog, we're having some unseasonable winter weather and planned, in part, to spend the weekend in front of the fire with good books and each other. The other part of the plan was for some spanking, etc. and both happened this afternoon (the spanking and the etc.). Our usual spankings include cuddling but nothing more than a few caresses. Today we had time and energy for a good hard spanking and a lot of caressing followed by an unusually vocal orgasm on my part. So now I sit here on a smarting bottom, extremely satisfied, purring like mad! What more could any cat want?

The Thrill is Back!

2009-10-07T09:50:00.001-06:00

Ever since I was very young, maybe 3 years old, I've been fascinated by spanking. By the time I was 13 or so, it was my major sexual fantasy and that continued throughout my life.
   When Lash and I occasionally used spanking during foreplay, it was pleasurable but I still had an undercurrent of embarrassment that kept me from experiencing it as I fantasized.
   When we started using spanking as part of DD in January, I began to concentrate so hard on the relationship aspect that suddenly spanking wasn't sexual any longer. It was exactly the opposite of what I had hoped for and expected. I was so serious about each spanking, concentrating so hard on the submission, the obedience, the mindset I was trying to change, that I lost track of the joy. Those first spankings weren't very hard and it took us a long time to adjust to what I needed and what was comfortable for Lash.
   Gradually the spankings and whippings got harder and more painful and I began to concentrate on enduring the pain and and learning to let my emotions out through crying. This was satisfying and relaxing but still not sexual. We kept using spanking as part of foreplay, but I now had mixed feelings about it. I felt that I had lost something that had been part of my life since.... forever. Reality and Fantasy had met and Reality had won! Real spankings hurt and, although I enjoyed the intimacy, I missed the Thrill.
   Lately, though, when Lash says to meet him in the bedroom for a spanking, that little thrill has been evident again. Before and after and even during the spanking, I feel the excitement that spanking used to have for me. I've become more accepting of the pain, more aware of Lash's role as a spanking husband and dominant man. The idea of a man who actually enjoyed spanking me was always a very big turn-on and I'm letting myself be more aware of Lash's feelings of confidence, masculinity and pleasure when he spanks me. I enjoy HIS enjoyment and that makes me want him all the more.
   My question is this: Has anyone else gone through this? Do you have any trouble changing gears from spanking as punishment to spanking as foreplay? Have your feelings about spanking changed over time? I'd like to know I'm not alone in this and my curiosity is piqued.

Another Honest Blogger!

2009-10-05T20:30:00.001-06:00

Thanks to Ally of Ally Steps Forward

and ~N of Living Domestic Discipline

for asking me to list 10 honest things about myself.

They may not be Interesting, but they're Honest!

1. I’m an extreme introvert. That doesn’t mean I’m shy. I have no problem interacting with people and actually love to speak before groups, but I need a lot of “alone” time to regenerate energy before I can be out with people again.

2. If I could have one talent, I’d love to be able to sing really well. I come from a family of singers on my Dad’s side and I can sing OK, but I’d love to be able to REALLY SING!

3. If I could have one superpower, I’d be able to become invisible at will. How handy for an introvert to be able to go out in public but just observe and not interact.

4. I love to do research in old libraries or archives full of dusty old books and papers. I love history and especially genealogy.

5. I don’t mind cooking but hate planning to cook and picking food for other people. I don’t like to deal with raw meat, especially if it has bones in it or looks like it came from an animal. Lash cooks the Thanksgiving turkey at our house!

6. I’m practically blind without my glasses and can’t wear contacts, so I have spare glasses in the car and in my travel bag, etc.

7. Maybe TMI, but I’ve only been married to one man, slept with one man and been spanked by one man - all the same man - Lash. I’m not bragging or complaining but I’m satisfied to have missed what I missed and gotten what I have!

8. I was always tall and skinny when I was young. Now I’m tall and not skinny but trying to get back to a healthy weight. It was a pain to be taller than all the boys in school, but now I like being able to reach the high cupboard shelves.

9. I’ve lived in 4 states and on a Native American Reservation. I grew up in a town of only 500 people and had 42 people in my High School class. I went to a State University and got much better grades after I started dating Lash - we did a lot of study dates with “perks” after the studying!

10. I like to read fiction, mostly mysteries, and watch B&W movies from the 40s and 50s. I like quirky dark humor - I loved “Fargo” - and like to watch old 50s Sci Fi movies like “The Thing” and “Them!”

11. Usually I stick to the rules and follow all laws but once in a while I get sassy with Lash or rebellious or stubborn or make a list of 11 items when I’m asked to list 10!

GG Spanking

2009-10-04T19:20:00.003-06:00

This summer has been frustrating! I've been on a plateau with my weight loss for about 2 months, but finally had a major breakthrough to a new level on Friday. Lash offered a "Good Girl" spanking, which I had hoped to get at the end of July. Better late than never, I suppose! In July, I had been fantasizing about a long spanking with multiple implements, trying out some new pervertibles and bringing out some we'd tried before. I was thinking: easy and gentle!
   But, when Lash left it up to me, my only request was that he start and end with his hand and I left the middle part up to him. After our cuddle, he started gently and built up to a nice sting with his hand, mixing in some pleasant rubbing and some talking which is rare for him. By the time he stopped to switch to the strap, he was in good form and brought tears to my eyes. He finished with a really hard hand spanking that left me struggling to stay in position. (Btw, his right hand is definitely healed from surgery!)
   It was exactly what I needed. It was a reaffirmation of his quiet, subtle dominance and a chance for me to revel in my submission to him. I've felt very affectionate ever since - I can't keep my hands off him and want to be close to him all the time. It has made me think about how little our marriage has changed outwardly and how much it has changed the way I feel inside. We don't have many overt signs of his dominance - no collar, no list of rules, no implements left in plain sight, few implements at all. He doesn't give orders or force me to submit or call me names or treat me roughly or make me kneel. We've tried most of those things and will probably experiment occasionally when we feel like it, but the only thing I really need from him is the knowledge that he is now the "owner" of all things related to spanking.
   An example: A few days ago, he told me to be ready to be spanked that morning. I wasn't really in the mood but I obeyed. An hour later, he changed his mind, no reason, no explanation. And I was really OK with both decisions. I've completely given up expectations and the desire to control spanking at our house! I'm amazed!! I feel a deep satisfaction and contentment with our way of using DD. Spankings happen on an irregular basis depending on our schedules and our health (Lash has had a nasty cold) averaging 2-3 per week. They can happen in the morning, afternoon or evening but they are always a time of intimacy, affection and relaxation for us.
   When I am lying over Lash's knee with my legs being held securely by his leg, I feel like I have found my home, the place I've been longing for all these years. With my naked ass in the air, vulnerable and available to him, I feel safe and loved in spite of the fact that I will soon be protesting and struggling against the pain he inflicts. This is the time for him to be the man he's always had to hide and for me to be the woman I've never been allowed to show. This is where we can open ourselves to each other in ways that the world doesn't want to see. Who cares about the world - we have each other!!

Who needs Stiff Nipples?

2009-09-24T09:46:00.002-06:00

I think this is such a funny name for a business!
I also saw a sign locally that stated in large letters:

"Your wife is really HOT!"

Below, it explained that the wife needs a new air conditioner. Is there something about breathing in the freon that makes guys see air conditioning as sexy?

Here in the mountains (our house is at 8000 ft. elevation) we don't even have air conditioning. It's so cool and dry that we don't need it. In fact, it's cool enough to give stiff nipples all summer long! Have I said recently that I LOVE living in the mountains?

This year, the last day of summer brought a cloudy day here, then thunder and lightning, rain, hail, sleet, granular snow and then big flakes of snow! It melted soon after falling, but in 2004 we had quite a snowstorm on September 21st and 22nd!

This was the view from our deck!

So, you can see that keeping our nipples stiff in the mountains doesn't require any air conditioning service
- just Mother Nature.

We've had the fireplace checked out and put the flannel sheets on the beds. Later today, I'll pack away my summer clothes which I got to wear only a few days here and a week when we were back in the Midwest. Summer is my least favorite season and I'm not sorry to see it go. Welcome Autumn!!

Hiking and Spanking

2009-09-12T11:29:00.007-06:00

Lash and I went on a hike this morning. It was 4.8 miles

and not too strenuous, but it reminded me

of the similarities between hiking and spanking.

I look forward to it with great anticipation.

At first it's comfortable and enjoyable.

Next it becomes uncomfortable.

Later it becomes downright painful!

Then I really wish it could be over!!

When it's over I look back on it fondly.

The next day I want to do it again!

Am I nuts or what??

Hardhat on the Bedpost (FFF#3)

2009-09-11T06:40:00.012-06:00

He sees me watching him from the balcony and tips his hat like a gentleman out of Jane Austen.

He can be a gentle man. Or.... he can slip into my bed - always unpredictable - his taste salty, his voice sweet and his desire spicy and urgent. His work-hardened hands delivering spanks that transform pain into passion. His insistent lips bruising my flesh. Teeth nibbling, nipping. Legs pressing, parting. Masterful fingers exploring and claiming.

I don't ask him when he'll return.

He simply arrives.

Tool belt in the entry.

Jeans in the hallway.

Hardhat on the bedpost.

My man inside me.

Sassy, spanked and startled

2009-09-10T08:44:00.004-06:00

Last night I was feeling playful and sassy when our usual spanking time rolled 'round. Lash always tells me what implements to bring for my spanking, but last night he didn't, so I didn't bring anything. As I crawled into bed for our cuddle, he asked "Did you forget something?" I joked that he didn't ask for anything and we laughed and snuggled. Soon, though, I wasn't laughing when he started spanking with his right hand, hard, right across those tender areas that are usually protected. It turns out that the hand spankings I've been missing aren't as mild as I remembered. Another "What was I thinking?" moment!! Next time I'll bring the straps whether he asks or not. After the crying and cuddling that followed, I asked if his hand hurt and when he replied, "Yes" I said "Good"! Maybe not the best response, but we both chuckled and went to sleep very relaxed and happy!

The "startle" came this morning when I was walking with friends. The conversation turned to the California wildfires and the arson that started them. One friend said that when they catch the guy he should be paddled! I was speechless for a while, wondering about her private life. Hmmmm!

FFF#2 on a Wednesday

2009-09-09T10:58:00.002-06:00

Excruciatingly icy! Stones like glass!

We skid and sidle across the rocks
to the base of the falls

where we find it.

Only a legend to some,

but our reality for this one afternoon.

The cave where lovers are blessed -

where we can live our dreams for a day

before our return to the land of estrangement.

Fantasies fulfilled! Delights realized!

His dominance intersects with my submission;

his masculinity converges with my feminine desires.

If only we could make it last
beyond these few hours!

But that's impossible.

Or is it?

FFF#1 on a Tuesday

2009-09-08T12:55:00.004-06:00

Since I missed the first 2 Flash Fiction Fridays, I decided to catch up this week! So here's #1! Silly, but just for fun!

HNT was such a bad idea. Who thought of it? Why did I post that picture? Why did he check my blog while we're out of town? Why did he pack the Loopy Johnny? Did he plan this? When will the maids come back to finish making the bed? Do we have time? Will someone hear? Will my short skirt cover up the marks? What's taking him so long?

Meandering

2009-09-07T10:31:00.012-06:00

My thoughts have been meandering and I've decided to gather them together in a post. Lucky you!!

First, you may have noticed that sometimes there are 2 bloggers named PK who comment here. Most of you know PK from New Beginnings, but you may not know PK from Stories from the Well. Lately she's been on a path that led her to grad school in a new part of the country. She's also on the path to a healthier life (aka dieting). Since a lot of us know how important support is when we're dieting, I just wanted to let you know that there's another PK out there who is quietly journeying with us! Hope you'll drop by to give a word of support!

Meandering on! After several days of traveling, allergies, exhaustion, etc., we finally got back to spanking again. How can I miss something that hurts so damn much? I know, it's the reconnection, but we can reconnect in other ways. I guess I really need the reassurance of his masculinity, his strength, his protection. Nothing gets through the b.s. of life like being spanked - hard - with both straps!

We went for a walk today and met up with an 86 year old lady who was walking up and down the unpaved road - and I do mean up and down, we live in the mountains. She had such spirit and strength. She misses her job as a waitress because she loved the people! Very inspiring!!

I didn't get a chance to comment on Bonnie's Brunch question about ritual, but we've added something lately that I like. We always cuddle, then spank, then cuddle. While he spanks, Lash used to hold me down firmly with his left hand on my back, but now he's started holding my left hand, intertwining our fingers. It's very loving and comforting!

Enough meandering for now. Time for lunch!

Yummy cake

2009-09-06T13:48:00.006-06:00

Sour Cream Chocolate Cake

with Peanut Butter Frosting

Recipe of the month for Daisy

Ingredients:
1 3/4 cup Unbleached All-Purpose Flour
1 3/4 cup Sugar
3/4 cup Cocoa
1 1/2 teaspoon Baking Soda
1 teaspoon Salt
2/3 cup Butter Or Margarine;-Softened
2 cups Dairy Sour Cream
2 large Eggs
1 teaspoon Vanilla Extract

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 350 Degrees F. Grease and flour a 13 X 9 X 2-Inch baking pan.

In a large mixer bowl, combine the flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda and salt, blending well. Blend in the butter, sour cream, eggs and vanilla. Beat for 3 minutes on medium speed. Pour the batter into the prepared pans and bake for 40 to 45 minutes or until a wooden pick, inserted in the center, comes out clean. Cool in the pan on a wire rack.

The frosting is simply butter, confectioners sugar and milk mixed with peanut butter, either creamy or chunky. No particular recipe.

Blogger humor?

2009-09-03T15:38:00.005-06:00

Does Blogger have a sense of humor? After trying and trying to post a comment on someone's blog, this word finally came up as a word verification! I retri(ed) 3 times dammit!!

The SBDLJ

2009-08-30T08:22:00.004-06:00

Since arriving here (anonymous midwestern city), we've been using the Silent But Deadly Loopy Johnny. Lash has used it two days in a row now and it lives up to it's reputation. We have new upstairs neighbors and we're not sure just how "deaf" they are. (This is a 55+ condo building.) The LJ is so quiet that I can barely hear it. Of course, I need to muffle my mouth in a pillow to keep from having every neighbor on the block call 911! It does sting like crazy, but it hasn't left any long-lasting marks so far.

D#2 is moved into her new apartment. It's dry and has a better view than her old place (trees and houses instead of a carwash). It's a little smaller so she downsized to a new loveseat instead of a hand-me-down sofa and took some stuff to Goodwill. All-in-all it's been a good move for her now that the panic has subsided.

We had a birthday party for my MIL yesterday - her 89th is just after Labor Day weekend. Today I take my mom to church and maybe visit some of my brothers or an elderly aunt. Tomorrow I take her to the doctor and shopping. Lash will be doing the same with his mom with minor variations. 3 more days until we head back home!!

PS: The dreaded outdoor switching didn't take place due to the previously mentioned torrential rains and panicked daughter! Maybe at some later date I'll report on an outdoor experience!!

Travel Woes

2009-08-28T17:47:00.002-06:00

As soon as we drove into the good old home state, we were inundated by torrential rains and frantic phone calls from daughter #2. After 5 years in a flood-prone apartment, she was told by the management that she had to be moved out by Sunday - this was on Thursday! They provided an alternate apartment in the next building, but she was naturally stunned to be told move with almost no notice! So after a summer of helping daughter #1 move, moving Lash out of his work condo and helping daughter #1 move more furniture - we have ended up moving daughter #2 to her new apartment these past two days.

I'm too old for this!!

Kids' Recipes

2009-08-27T06:14:00.003-06:00

Until I get Mom's cake recipe, I'll share some recipes from kids!

ICE POPS FOR SUMMER

You need:

1 whole can of any kind of drink except beer

11 or 9 sticks, maybe

Regular 'frigerator silver things that turn ice into squares

THAT IS ALL

Shake up the juice for some hours. Be sure to put the sticks in upside down, else you won't have no handles and maybe you could never get the icepops out.

Now it has to freeze good or - Oh Boy - when you open it, it will spill all over and the floor will get all sticky and bad ants come.

Usually it takes 'til lunch time but not always.

SCRAMBLED EGGS

5# of boiled bacon

2# of eggs

3# of ginger ale

1 fat

8 gal. of salt

4# of pepper

1 knife of butter

First you open the eggs with your mittens. Use only the insides. Throw the rest in the sink. Put the eggs in a 10# can and cook the bacon in a plastic pan. Get your pan real hot. If you get your pan hot first, you only have to cook 2 minutes, but if the pan is not hot you have to cook 3 hours.

Eat them in the morning or the afternoon. And you will sure need some orange juice after!

Tawse Report

2009-08-26T06:31:00.005-06:00

To all the kind commenters who warned me not to order a tawse - you were absolutely right!!

This is what we have been trying out lately - it's 14 inches long and wider and thicker than our other strap and is slit like a tawse with five fingers.

It is noticeably more thuddy and stingy than the strap, too. I can really tell the difference and I can take far fewer spanks from it before I react.

At first Lash used it at the end of a spanking - after quite a few spanks with the strap, maybe 60-70 or more. It only took a few spanks with the tawse (less than 10) before I wanted to move out of position. Then he tried it at the beginning and I could take more. Today he gave me 10 with his hand (for the first time since surgery - Hooray!), 40 with the tawse and the rest with the strap. It was painful but tolerable.

I'll be so glad when he can use his hand more. We both love hand spankings best of all! It wasn't long ago that 5-10 strokes with the strap after a hand spanking was a pretty strong punishment. Now he can give me over 100 with the strap.

Lash likes to spank me almost daily when we are able and these spankings with both straps have pushed my limits. I want him to push those limits, I've asked him to do it, but damn, it hurts!! It's what I asked for at the beginning, but now it's entirely in Lash's hands. He decides when, what to use and how hard to use it. I haven't really been punished in a long time, but the daily (reminder, maintenance, whatever) spankings are much more severe than punishments used to be.

Be careful what you ask for, little girl........

I'm not complaining - just cogitating about the changes in our DD path since we started in January. I had no idea where we were headed, but I'm very, very satisfied with where we are now! I wanted Lash to be in charge and he certainly is!!

PS: I wrote this a couple of days ago and wanted to add a "Thanks!" to all who sent words of encouragement to Lash after his fall. It's pitiful to see the poor man slowly and painstakingly get into position on the bed, protecting his ribs..... and then whip the hell out of my bottom with both straps!! His right arm doesn't seem to be affected at all! Poor me! (grin)

PPS: Lash thinks that, on our drive to the Midwest, we might look for an outdoor spot for a bare bottom switching. I think the forecast calls for rain, thunderstorms, maybe a typhoon!! Not outdoor spanking weather, for sure!

PPPS: I talked my way out of a punishment this morning. Lash couldn't reach me when I promised to have my cell phone plugged in, so I was going to get several punishment spanks on top of our usual daily spanking. Ouch! Fortunately, the truth worked and I didn't get punished. I really did have the phone plugged in, but we were driving separately and I must have been out of range. Coverage can be spotty in the mountains. I remember having to get the phone out of the car the next morning, so it really was plugged in! Really!!

Real Life! Again??

2009-08-25T05:47:00.004-06:00

Updates on our real life:

1. Lash is improving since his second carpal tunnel surgery, but he fell about 10 days ago and injured his entire left side including some ribs. Not fun!!

2. We've moved all Lash's stuff out of his worksite condo, made several trips up the mountain with carloads of boxes, cleaned the condo and turned in the keys. I'll miss our little private get-away place, but that job is over and it's time to move on.

3. Allergy season is upon us, but we're enjoying the cool nights and sunny days!

4. We moved a U-Haul full of furniture to daughter #1 and her hubby's new house. They have empty rooms and we're glad that we don't have to find a place to store all the furniture. PS: All this moving hasn't helped Lash's sore ribs!

5. Daughter #1, who is pregnant, thinks she's feeling the baby move!! She had her ultrasound today, but the Sprout is modest and didn't show if it (?) is a boy or girl. D#1 was very upset, but then she cries over everything now!

6. We're leaving for the Midwest in a couple of days and will see our moms, our sibs, their families and daughter #2. We have some good times with family but get tired of it quickly. I'm so glad we have privacy when we stay at my mom's former condo. Lash told me to bring the strap, the tawse and the loopy johnny! We have new neighbors upstairs, so will have to be careful with the spankings.

7. Tomorrow, I'll report about the new strap (tawse?) we've been using lately.

8. For those who asked for the sour cream chocolate cake recipe, I'll try to get it when we're visiting my mom.

9. Spankedhortic is having trouble getting my blog on his Dashboard list. Anyone else have this problem with my blog or anyone's blog?? Could I have some settings wrong? Or is it some other Blogger thing?

10. With all the packing, moving, falling, allergies, etc., I haven't posted or commented much this month and even though I still read everyone's blogs, I miss the interaction. I hope to make some quiet time each morning at the coffeeshop next week when I'll check email and catch up on blogs - no internet at the condo.

11. That's all for now!!

Spanking Diet Update

2009-08-24T10:38:00.007-06:00

So far, August has been frustrating on the diet front!

I've been stalled at the same weight - or thereabouts - for about a month. Finally today, I'm down a little!

I know this is normal, but here's my immediate problem.

Last time I visited family in the Midwest (May), I gained 7#. Since then, I've lost 15# and it's been a struggle lately! Wednesday, we leave for over a week with family and I WILL NOT gain back that weight.

My plan is to tell everyone that we just can't eat out at all - that we have to eat only what we fix ourselves (we'll stay at my mom's former condo with a kitchen). This won't go over well since Lash's family eats out a lot and my mom gets sick of the food at Assisted Living and likes to go out to eat when I'm there. But.... I need to stay on track!! Lash is supportive since he's dieting, too and it will also save a bundle of $$ because we often pay for everyone when we eat out with them.

It will just take a lot of willpower to stick to our plan and resist the pull of family dynamics. Why is this so frakking hard? Partly because: I hate conflict, I hate to disappoint people, I hate to be the one to spoil everyone's fun. Too bad!! I have to look after myself this time and stop people-pleasing. I'm my own biggest saboteur! I know that! I think we'll have to work out rules with spanking consequences for Lash to enforce. Maybe.....

1. No suggesting that we eat out!

2. No giving in to others suggestions.

3. No cafe mochas when we go to the coffee shop to check email.

4. Take the scale and weigh everyday, just like I do at home.

5. Follow all diet rules that I follow at home.

Wish me luck!!

Meme from Daisy!

2009-08-17T07:35:00.003-06:00

1) How old are you? 50ish - almost 60ish - Eeeeek!!
2) Are you in a steady relationship? Married to Lash for 37 years
3) How many times have you been married? Once
4) How many people have you spanked/been spanked by? Only one
5) State top 3 reasons for enjoying spanking/being spanked? Feeling out-of-control, feeling very feminine, pleasing my Lash
6) What is your favourite meal? Pizza, I haven't had it in sooooo long
7) If a friend offered to bake you a cake, which would you ask for? Sour cream chocolate with peanut butter frosting, a favorite from childhood
8) Name 3 foods you would gag to see on your plate Liver, cooked spinach, lima beans - all favorites of Lash - I'll make anything but liver for him - can't stand the smell
9) Do you have any phobias? If so, name! heights, snakes, enclosed places
10)If you could choose a brand new car, what colour would you pick? I just did and it's RED
11)Describe your dwelling place...(house, trailer, flat, apartment, high rise, etc) 2 level house
12) DO you live in urban or rural area, countryside or seaside? small town
13) How many miles to your nearest McDonalds? 2 miles?
14) How many miles to your nearest train station, bus stop? bus stop - 2 miles, train - 2 hour drive
15) How far to travel to reach a shopping area with a range of shops including large supermarket? 2 miles
16) Do you exercise regularly? I try to, but life can bring it's own exercise, too! (We've been moving lately)
17)Would you consider yourself healthy? Yes - no major diseases or medications
18) Do you feel you are under/overweight? overweight, but losing steadily
19) Are you currently on a healthy eating plan? (never say diet!) ... donuts do NOT constitute healthy eating!!! No-gluten, low-carb - plain meats, veggies and fruits - and donuts have gluten, damn!
20) Do you have any pets? Not since 2002
21) How many hours a week on recreational use of a computer? I take the Fifth - In the US that means "No comment"
22) Do you consume alcohol regularly? (if so, how much on average in a week?) Maybe 1-2 glasses of wine a week and only when I ask permission from Lash - It's not good for me!
23)How many hours a week do you get the opportunity to relax/enjoy privacy with your partner? When he's home, like now, lots and lots. When he's working away from home, zero except by phone.
24) Who does the lion's share of the housework in your household? Lash does his share when he's home, otherwise it's just me.
25) How many hours a week, on average, do you spend watching TV? Like Daisy - none, we don't have cable or Dish and I don't miss it at all. I do watch DVD's and streaming Netflix, but not much.
26) Do you smoke? If so, how many a week? NO!
27) Name any sport you do/would be willing to, take part in. I loved volleyball when I was younger, now it's mostly hiking in the mountains when I can.
28) Would you like to participate in an extreme sport? (eg, hang gliding, bungee jumping...) I always though hang gliding would be fun!
29 What is your partners/potential partners, sexiest feature? (eyes, ass, smile, legs, muscles, chest, voice, etc) Out of bed it's his attitude, his dominance, in bed it's his dominance and his hands!
30) What field of work are you in? (be as general as you need to...) Retired from child-rearing, still do a lot of volunteering, but hope to semi-retire from that in the future.

Aren't You Thankful That.....

2009-08-14T10:00:00.004-06:00

... attraction isn't always based on youth and beauty?

... love can come at any age?

... desire doesn't have an expiration date?

... this wasn't a frontal shot?

New Weapon, I mean, Implement

2009-08-09T15:02:00.007-06:00

This is what we recently got in the mail form Cane-iac. Lash wanted a tawse, but most of them were really long and he wanted it for OTK use. This is only 14" long and is 2.5" wide.

Lash described the results of using it on his leg: "very stingy and left welts for an hour. I will have to start very gently on Meow."

I'm hoping he remembers these words when we use it the first time. He's been using our other strap fairly lightly with his left hand and working his way up to firmer strokes as he gets used to it. I'm not sure he wants to try something new yet since his control is better with his right hand. I'm all for control when the strap is aimed at my tender bottom!

Wish me luck!

Non-Organic Woman

2009-08-08T14:49:00.003-06:00

Okay, I'm back again to my old non-organic self -- pumped full of hormones, antibiotics and pesticides (well, I hope not pesticides). My thinking is clearer. I don't want to kill myself, my husband or random strangers. I can talk to people without gnashing my teeth and twitching. Hooray!! I still think the thermostat is jumping around, making the room hot, then cold, then hot -- but I can live with that for a while!

After turning into the Incredible Weeping Woman on Thursday, I was pretty calm on Friday. Lash tentatively approached me about trying another spanking and we decided to risk it! Hooray again!! It felt harder and longer, but no uncontrollable crying followed. We just had a nice cuddle and talk. I'm getting back my desire to be "wifely": usually submissive, sometimes obedient, learning to feel feminine and always loving my Lash.

I feel as though something inside has loosened, untwisted and relaxed into it's former pattern. I'm ME again! I'm Meow again!

I finally got the car in for service this morning. Lash was with me, chatting with the service manager about the scars from surgery on his left hand and elbow. "Oh" says the service manager, "Tennis elbow?"

"No" says Lash, "It's from beating my wife!" Chuckles all around!! I may kill him yet!!!

Official Meltdown Post

2009-08-06T18:24:00.001-06:00

I haven't written on this blog for a while.

For a week or two after Lash started spanking again (after his first surgery) I was having trouble focusing - both focusing on each spanking and focusing on the whole DD thing. Why did I want to do this in the first place? I could barley remember what my feelings were 6 months ago when I first brought up the subject. I couldn’t feel any emotions or cry when I was being spanked. I went through the motions - he spanked and I submitted but something was missing. We were able to talk seriously about it, to joke about it, to try different approaches but……. nothing. I just stopped feeling the desire to please him, to submit, to obey, to get spanked.

Last week I started getting very tense, irritable, distant and withdrawn. Some days were better than others, but a lot of days were horrible! I had a big 3 day fundraiser over the weekend, Lash’s 2nd surgery on Monday, hosted a social gathering for 50 women on Tuesday, had a painter in the house on Wednesday and an appointment to get the car serviced today.

Before I even had breakfast this morning, Lash said he was ready to try a left-handed spanking - with the strap. We cuddled and talked beforehand and I gave the right answers but with no enthusiasm. So he spanked with his hand and with the strap…... and I started crying….. and I couldn’t stop. I literally cried all morning and half the afternoon and am still weepy on and off this evening.

First of all, I don’t blame Lash - at all. He’s been doing his part of DD and I agree that we need to keep doing it even when one of us loses focus. I want him to and I’m glad he does it. I’m not mad at him and love him so much!! This is just the risk we take when we open ourselves to another person on a very deep level. We can uncover some fears and anger and sadness that have been buried for years.

Now the background: I stopped taking my hormones about 5 weeks ago and the shit finally hit the fan this week. I’d been symptom-free for 5 blissful years (except for the problems that led to quitting the hormones and having surgery last month). Now I’ve had the “Return of the Hot Flashes” and - yes - it could be the scariest horror movie of all time! I’ve been seriously wondering if life was worth living if this is what the next 20 or 30 years might be like. Being tense and withdrawn was my way of holding onto my sanity and not saying all the hateful things that were in my head.

I grew up at a time and place where no one talked about this stuff. Some women just quietly had “nervous breakdowns” and went away for a while to get “fixed”. My mom tried to commit suicide 4 years after her hysterectomy. Late 1960’s, small midwestern town, so much shame, so little real help available! All this lived in the back of my head as I suffered through these past few weeks. Today the dam broke!

I’m starting back on the hormones again and will have a serious talk with my gynecologist as soon as I can get an appointment. I could get breast cancer or uterine cancer or I could live with menopause for the next 20 years and still get breast cancer! I say “Fuck it!” Today is the day I’m living right now and I may be dead of something else next week. I refuse to live in fear, I refuse to relive my mother’s sadness, I refuse to take out my anger on my wonderful husband. If I have to cry another day or two or another week until I get it all out, I will. If it takes more spankings to help me get in touch with the feelings, I’m ready. If you’re sick of hearing about menopause, me too!! I’m getting on with my life, starting NOW!!!!!

Choices, choices

2009-07-26T08:00:00.004-06:00

For a long time, Lash has used mostly his hand for spanking with just a 'touch" of the strap and a tiny sample of the silicon spoon. Now he's thinking about getting a tawse which everyone says is very stingy but the feeling doesn't last long.

So, I'm asking for your input about implements for:

Delicious sting?

Nasty sting?

Comfortable thud?

Painful thud?

Long lasting tingle/burn?

Little or no bruising?

Marks to display proudly?

Discipline that means business?

If you have a favorite or a spawn-of-Satan that you hate I'd like to know what they are.

A girl has to be prepared, right?

Photo is from the London Tanners.

Happy Meow

2009-07-25T08:15:00.004-06:00

I'm a happy Meow since my tummy troubles left and I got a couple of really hard spankings!! Hooray but, Ouch! A week without spankings makes for a very tender tushie!

Lash and I also finished a big project. We painted a large room in a very dark color which, of course, means at least two coats of paint and lots of touch-ups, furniture moving, reaching, bending, kneeling (rug burns), spot-cleaning spills and clearing away all the "stuff". We're tired and bemoaning our lack of flexibility and stamina, but very pleased with the job so far.

I've been doing well on my diet and very happy with my progress......... especially after losing the fluid I retained as a result of the general anesthesia (5 frakking pounds!) I'm still considering asking for a GG spanking if I make my goal this month.

Lash is also losing weight and his left hand and arm are improving after surgery. It's a good thing because he's having his right hand carpal tunnel surgery done in early August. He needs to start practicing his left-hand spanking technique. He does some things left-handed naturally - swinging a bat or an ax - so maybe this will come naturally, too. I have high hopes!

Btw, Lash has been fascinated lately with the idea of getting a tawse. Any advice?

Grumpy Meow

2009-07-22T08:39:00.006-06:00

Thanks to all who sent good thoughts after my last post. My procedure went well and I got a lot of rest for a couple of days. Then we helped our daughter and her husband move into their new home over the weekend. It was exhausting and I probably did more than I should have. (I can hear Lash in the background saying "Probably?".) We got home on Monday and I had a "social activity" that afternoon. Yesterday we had company from out-of-town which meant cleaning the house, preparing food, etc. Our guests were not close friends, but one of Lash's former co-workers and his wife and their two grandchildren who were vacationing in our area.

Now here comes the Grumpy part! Ever since my surgery, I've had an unrelated problem with my stomach. It ranges from annoying to irritating to miserable. Yesterday I was miserable, but I plugged along getting ready for guests that I didn't invite and didn't care about seeing. They arrived and since they'd been camping we let them shower and change in our guest room. Then we visited and cooked and ate. I like the guy Lash worked with but his wife is something else. She wouldn't drink the wine we had - she doesn't drink red wine and our only single serving container of white wine wasn't good enough for her. We put the meat back on the grill 3 times because it wasn't done enough for her. She made little remarks about the food - had I made this or that? - No, I had bought most of it ready-made so that I'd have time to clean the frakking house!! I smiled and tried to be polite. By the time the evening was over I went to bed exhausted, frustrated, in pain and near tears.

Another complaint, while I'm at it! No spankings!!! Lash has offered and been supportive, but my stomach hasn't been up to our usual OTK position. I'm trying a new medication and hoping that today will finally be the day that we get back to spanking again!

Lash has been my ray of hope in this mess of a week. He has been unfailingly sympathetic and understanding and yesterday he bought me roses - not for our guests, but just for me. I put them in a room that the guests didn't see because I didn't want to dilute the joy I got from them by sharing.

And..... so far this morning, no stomach problems!! Maybe the Grump is leaving!

Sleepy Meow

2009-07-15T17:50:00.004-06:00

This is me today! I had an outpatient procedure this morning under general anesthesia, came home about 1:00 and slept from 2:00 to 5:00. All is well with me and Lash is taking good care of his Meow. I'm catching up on my blog reading but not commenting much since I can't seem to make much sense. Maybe I'll just go back to bed. Ho - Hum!! Snore*******! (Hey - Lash says I snore but I think I just purr in my sleep!)

Alpine Wildflowers

2009-07-14T18:00:00.000-06:00

This morning, Lash and I were hiking a short trail on the alpine tundra at dawn. It was at about 11,000 ft., 39 degrees and very windy so we were freezing, but the wildflowers were spectacular!! I'm not much of a photographer, but I'm posting a few of the photos on the sidebar because I like the reminder of this beautiful area and it's fantastic scenery!

Faroozin' in the oficemoo

2009-07-13T14:40:00.011-06:00

I have a question for those of you who use word verification on your comments. Why?

I'm curious to know if many of you have had problems with spam-type comments. Where do they come from and how many have you gotten? Is this a big problem? I have never turned this on in my settings and have never had any problems. Maybe this is because my blog is new and not very well known or because it doesn't trigger the spammers for some other reason. I wonder about this every time I type in one of those nonsense words, so just thought I'd ask.

Go Lash!

2009-07-11T18:38:00.003-06:00

For my 50th blog post, I'm happy to announce that Lash started blogging on his own site. The link is just below our pictures. Something clicked for him today and he wrote a couple of posts in answer to other bloggers, but really in answer to the thoughts those blogs initiated in his mind. I think we all know what happens when we can't stop the thoughts and just have to get them written down. I'm happy that he's gotten over the first post jitters and hope he'll write more! Love you, Lash!!

Meow Words

2009-07-11T08:50:00.003-06:00

This idea came from Davey's Blog

1. What is your blogger name - Meow
2. A 4 Letter Word - Meow
3. A Boys name - Michael
4. A Girls name - Megan
5. An occupation – Musician
6. A color - Mauve
7. Something you wear – Moccasins
8. A beverage - Mineral water
9. A food – Meatloaf
10. Something found in the bathroom – Moisturizer
11. A place – Montana
12. A Reason for being late - Morning came too early
13. Something you shout - Missed Me, Mwhaha!!!!

Trouble??

2009-07-08T16:41:00.004-06:00

Uh-oh! Officer, I don't have them and I'm sorry I was speeding and driving in the wrong lane and didn't use my signal, but I guess it's because I never passed my drivers test and....... Oooo! Officer what a big black belt you have!! Am I in trouble??

Bless you!

2009-07-07T17:47:00.002-06:00

In the past few weeks since I've written this blog, I've come to know a little about some of the people in this online community. Some posts have made me laugh out loud and some have brought tears to my eyes. I enjoy reading about your spanking experiences and about your daily lives and families. And I've shared about myself and my marriage and my family and you've been interested and supportive. So far it's been a great experience and I just want to say Bless You All!

News Flash!

2009-07-03T21:10:00.003-06:00

A right-handed man with his left arm in a cast can still give a pretty hard spanking!

Lash gave his all so that we could celebrate Consensual Spanking Day!

What a guy! Willing to sacrifice my butt for the cause!

Seriously....

2009-07-02T16:17:00.006-06:00

I read a post on another blog about depression and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. The experience of the blogger was what a lot of people would equate with serious clinical depression and included suicidal thoughts, sadness, tears, inability to function and desperation. One comment talked about the side effects of antidepressants, sometimes taking away the highs as well as the lows and removing some of what makes us…. US.

I commented that my experience of depression was just the opposite of this. I was unable to function a good part of the time (as she was), but I was numb, without much feeling at all, going through the motions of life with no highs or lows, unable to care deeply about anything - and this went on for years! I couldn’t understand how other people had energy, how they got so much done and, above all, how they could care so deeply about everything. I was truly perplexed and annoyed that a friend was so grief-stricken when her parents died.

For me, antidepressants gave me back my life and my relationships and my feelings. It was truly a great blessing to me that I could grieve and cry when my father died. I had been afraid that even death couldn’t make me feel human. I had faked being a wife and mother for such a long time - I had faked being human when I felt like a lump of nothing. I actually thought of myself sometimes as the “living dead”. Suicide would have been redundant - it never entered my mind. The meds finally made me feel something... anything… everything! I began to feel love again, not just duty to my family. I felt loss when my kids left home. I felt joy when they succeeded. I actually missed people when they were gone! I felt compassion for friends in trouble.

After a couple of years I went off the pills and things stayed good for me. I’ve never gone back to the depths of apathy that had claimed me for so long. But as the years go by, I still struggle to find a balance. There are lots of times that I feel that I’m on the edge of that abyss and I have to pull myself back. A second try at antidepressants a couple of years ago didn’t work - I started to have suicidal thoughts which scared the shit out of me! I quit the meds and have been working on myself in other ways. I try to keep healthy, keep my energy balanced, exercise, be with the people I love and with friends. I keep busy in the community and try to do things that are creative in some way.

Now to the point of this post, finally! I think that DD has helped me stay real in this struggle. I have to deal with people and events in my life honestly. I am accountable to Lash for taking care of myself. We talk about everything including my bouts of apathy. And… and spanking leads us into areas of intense sensation, intense emotion and intense intimacy. It takes me to feelings that I didn’t know I had. When I cry afterward it is not about the pain - it’s about that unknown depth of experience that I long for. I crave the ability to let go of my peaceful facade and plunge into what seems like madness - that desire to be out of control in every way! With Lash’s help we are exploring this path, tentatively and cautiously at first because, to me, it is like hiking on the edge of a steep drop-off. At least I feel that I’m on the right path, at last. And I'm not alone.

Update

2009-07-01T14:57:00.006-06:00

Lash had his wrist and elbow surgery and is doing well today. Yesterday things didn't go quite so well - lots of pain, a mix-up with his pain med Rx, temporary cast too tight, me running all over trying to get the Rx filled, worrying about him home alone. Anyway, I had a tight-jawed, narrow-eyed, fairly-quiet-voiced tantrum. Luckily, Lash was in too much pain (and then on really good drugs) to remember - I hope. He gave me one last spanking before surgery yesterday and says he hopes to return to spanking in a couple of days. I'm not so sure, but I guess we can be creative. I just hope the drugs make him forget the mini-tantrum and the carton of ice cream I ate to get over it! Definitely not on my diet!

All the rest of life is pretty quiet. I'm mourning the demise of my iPhone but hoping it is only "mostly dead" and will revive if I take it to Miracle Max... umm... I mean the genius bar at the Apple store. More on the tech front: I finally figured out Facebook and now actually have Friends! I'm starting to take some of the advice I read on Bonnie's last Brunch and making my computer more kink-safe. I may even get brave enough to try putting a hit counter on this blog. And all this from a big fan of Vacuum Tubes!

I guess Lash won't forget the tantrum or the ice cream since he'll read this post. I tried to tell him the doctor ordered "No spanking for 6 months!" but he only grinned and said "You'd hate that!" And I would!! He may be ready for some spanking in a couple of days - I know I will be.

Forgetfulness Tuesday!

2009-06-30T09:03:00.004-06:00

I had a long "V" gratitude list ready to post - complete with pictures, but I'm here (out-of-town with my hubby and my laptop) and the post is there (on my home computer). This picture is a true image of my brain with stuff I should remember just shooting out the top, never to be seen (or thought of) again! It collects somewhere near the Van Allen radiation belt in outer space and blocks all replies to our UFO searches, causing Earthlings to feel isolated and alone in the Universe. Yes, It's all my fault!!

I want to think back gratefully to the 1950's when we had one of those old big box type TVs and the back was filled with Vacuum Tubes. I loved it when the repairman would open up the back of the TV and take out a little tube like a funny shaped light bulb, replace it and the TV would work again! Modern technology at it's best! Our radio was filled with them, too. Transistors were on the horizon, but silicone chips were just a dream. So for now Vacuum Tube is my gratitude "V" word.

Maybe I'll get my real gratitude list up by Thursday, unless I'm feeling silly again or unless I forget!

Smite!

2009-06-28T11:45:00.004-06:00

I was startled in church this morning by one of the scripture readings. To be honest, my attention was wandering when suddenly I heard the words: "to give one's cheek to the smiter" (from Lamentations). That got my attention! Not to be too irreverent, but I may have to change Lash's nickname to The Smiter since he certainly smites my cheeks (you know which ones) often enough. Seriously, I love the verse later in that reading that says: "Although he causes grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love". What a lovely description of forgiveness and cherishing after a punishment! That's my favorite part!

Weakness

2009-06-26T08:07:00.004-06:00

All my life I've been encouraged or forced to be independent and strong. I could handle anything that came up. I faced things myself and didn't ask for help unless the situation was dire.

Since Lash has been home this week, we've been spending more time together and it's the little things that are taking their toll on my tower of strength. He drives me places - I'm used to driving. He handles appointments and phone calls - I'm used to doing that. He makes decisions about what we do and when we do it - you guessed it, I'm used to being in charge. I've been getting daily maintenance spankings and getting in touch with feelings like guilt, worry, fear, resentment and weakness. Actually, I'm liking it!

It came to a head for me yesterday when we were dealing with our cell phone carrier. We were in their office and I was set to do battle, but Lash was there. I decided to wait in the car and let him handle it and he did - brilliantly, I might add! LASH: 1 AT&T: 0! Afterward we went to get a bite to eat and I got all teary-eyed in the restaurant. I felt weak. I felt like I was letting someone down by not taking care of the problem myself. I felt like a failure because I was being all feminine and emotional. I didn't know how to make the transition between competent, in-charge woman and submissive, let-him-be-in-charge wife. I FELT WEAK!

Today we had a chance to talk about it and several things came out:

1. He gets a major surge of masculine energy when I am able to show weakness and tears.

2. I don't have to be strong all the time.

3. Weakness isn't bad - we all have times of strength and times of weakness.

4. The areas I see as weakness are just aspects of myself that have never been allowed to develop.

5. I can develop my more emotional, more feminine side without losing my ability to "handle" things when I need to.

6. I like it when he takes care of me.

7. I need to give myself time to learn how to make the transition smoothly.

DD has brought about the chance to work on things that have been "problem" areas in my life. It has given us a framework to communicate, explore and deal with emotional issues. It is working for us in ways I never imagined when we started only 5 months ago. It's working - what a surprise!